Parents want their ten- to thirteen-year-old to act responsibly at night and in the morning. They expect her to go to bed at a reasonable time so she can be healthy and alert, and so they can have time alone at the end of the evening. They also expect their child to get up and get ready on her own each morning. But many kids have trouble with daily routines. In some homes, bedtime and mornings are times for threats, frustration, and conflicts.
Kids resist going to sleep because after a day of school, homework, and chores, they don’t want their free time to end. They’d rather read, watch TV, and talk on the phone, use the computer, or play. Also, as they get older, they want more independence and may argue against a set bedtime. If parents are very rigid about evening routines, kids may procrastinate as a way of rebelling. And some children simply don’t require as much sleep as their parents want them to have.
Morning conflicts can be as troublesome as bedtime ones, especially if everyone has to be out the door early. Some kids, perhaps like their parents, don’t function well when they first wake up. Others may be tired because they aren’t getting enough sleep. If the family’s morning is always rushed and stressful, a child may dawdle to avoid confrontations or to show resistance. She also may oversleep because she doesn’t want to face problems at school, at home, or with peers.
If you and your child argue frequently about morning and evening routines, try changing your approach. She may be more responsible and cooperative if you’re flexible and allow her some choice. As an experiment, push her bedtime back half and hour and see how she gets along, or try letting her stay up later than usual as long as she remains in her room.
You may decide to turn the decision about bedtime over to her. Many kids who are given that freedom go to sleep at a reasonable time. When your child no longer has a rigid bedtime to resist, the evening routine may stop being an issue, and staying up late may stop being so attractive. She’ll probably go to bed when she’s tired.
Letting her choose when to go to sleep doesn’t mean giving up all control. You still have to set limits: “Ten o’clock is just too late for a week night.” Give reminders: “It’s getting late. You have to get ready for bed.” If she consistently stays up too long or is tired in the mornings, she’s not ready to take responsibility for bedtime. Decide on an earlier time for her, but give her another chance to change in a few months.
Once she feels she has some say in decisions about bedtime, she may be more willing to compromise in other areas of her life, including how she acts toward you and her siblings and how she reacts in the mornings. If mornings continue to be a problem even after you’ve eased up on bedtime, talk to her about it: “It seems to take you so long to get ready.” If you want her to get herself up, firmly remind her about setting her alarm. Don’t turn this into a struggle over personal responsibility, however. It’s also fine if you just get her up yourself each morning.
She may always wake up feeling grumpy. Try being patient, but set limits on her behavior and attitude: “You have to stop snapping at me when you get up.” Change parts of family’s routine until you find a morning arrangement that works. For instance, let your child shower last so she can have a few minutes more sleep, make breakfast for her so she doesn’t have to do that task, or have everyone get up ten minutes earlier so there’s less hurry.
If nothing helps, try to find out why your child is reluctant to start her day. Is she having trouble at school? With peers? Is there too much tension at home? Are there too many rules and chores? Talk these issues over with her and let her know you’re concerned and determined to help. You’ll send a message of love and care, which might motivate her to take more responsibility for her mornings and evenings.
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