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Disciplining is a difficult job that gets a little easier when children reach the early elementary years. Six- to nine-year-olds have integrated many of the rules they’ve heard over and over, and they usually behave in socially acceptable ways. As they get older, they need fewer reminders, their impulsive exploration slows down, and they give more thought to what they’re doing. They also become more capable of listening to reason. Parents of a six- to nine-year-old can reasonably expect her to consider other people’s feelings, behave well in public, give of herself, and share with others.

Of course, the need for discipline continues. The purpose is to get children thinking about their misbehavior so they won’t repeatedly do things they shouldn’t. Setting limits is still one of parents’ major responsibilities. Unfortunately, some parents don’t deal with their child’s misbehavior. They may be overwhelmed by their own stressful situations or feel they can’t control her and thus give up trying. Other parents don’t discipline because they’re afraid of making their child unhappy or angrier and more unmanageable. Whatever the reasons, parents who don’t set limits do their child a great disservice. They also reinforce unacceptable behavior as she quickly learns she can act as she wants without significant rebuke or punishment.

All parents must set limits. Kids need to know what is and isn’t acceptable and that there are consequences for bad actions. The consequences don’t always have to involve punishment. Often, kids feel a surge of guilt over wrongdoing: “It really was an accident. I’m sorry - I didn’t mean to do it.” Such uncomfortable feelings may keep a child from repeating certain actions. Her parents can say, “I see you feel bad about what happened on the playground; now remember to play more carefully.” When the child’s guilty feelings don’t deter her from misbehavior, her parents have to state the consequences: “If you don’t stop fighting with Cara, you’ll have to go to your room.” Depending on the nature of her actions, the consequences can be stronger: “If this continues, you can’t play with your friends after school.” Parents usually know which disciplinary methods work best. Taking privileges away from one child might be effective, while another just needs to hear the threat. Some children respond best to being separated from the family for a “time out” in another room.

Many adults use the same disciplinary methods their own parents used: “They spanked me and I turned out OK. Why shouldn’t I do the same to my child?” Yet, if parents remember the feelings they once had - especially humiliation and resentment - they may recognize that there are better ways to discipline children. They should not follow the examples of their own pasts if the examples include spanking, slapping, or verbal abuse.

Effective discipline is neither harsh nor lenient. Harsh punishment, including spanking and other physical punishment, makes children angry and resentful. They aren’t motivated to change their behavior, only to sneak and manipulate and try to get away with more misbehavior. They’ll think about the unfairness of the punishment rather than their own actions. At the other extreme, discipline that’s too lenient is ineffective. A chronically misbehaving child who only has to say a fast “I’m sorry” or tolerate a brief, easy punishment, won’t learn to control her misbehavior. Parents shouldn’t be too quick to forgive and to renew their child’s privileges.

Kids may misbehave because they want more attention paid to their words, interests, and activities. A child who feels left out or unconnected - perhaps because of family problems, a new baby at home, sibling rivalry, or a mother’s return to work - may seek negative attention if that’s all she can get. For example, one sibling may fight frequently with her brother because she feels he gets more of their parents’ time. Then her anger and jealousy might be directed at him.

Sometimes children act out their frustration and sense of helplessness by misbehaving because they’re unhappy, insecure, or unsuccessful in school. In such a situation, parents should talk with the teacher, consider tutoring, offer more encouragement, and closely monitor their child’s progress and behavior.

As you discipline your child, you should look for the source of her misbehavior; otherwise, you’ll spend time treating the symptoms rather than the cause of the problem. You may see dramatic changes in behavior when you give your child more time and positive attention or when you address situations that are troubling for her: a difficult school year, problems with friends, uneasy sibling relationships.

If you’re unhappy with your child’s behavior, set limits, of course, but also talk to her. When she shares her feelings about specific problems you’ll gain insight into her behavior. You also can reason with her: “When you act that way, Matthew feels left out. I don’t think you’d feel good if you were in his position.” Ask, “What can you do to change your behavior?”

Be flexible and give encouragement and praise to reinforce positive actions. If you worry about how her behavior is viewed by other adults, take comfort in the fact that kids who misbehave at home often don’t misbehave when they’re out. More struggles take place between parent and child than between child and peers or child and other adults. A child who says, “You’re mean!” to her parents usually knows it’s unacceptable to say that to her teacher or her friends’ parents. All people act and express themselves differently in the comfort of their homes.

Discipline is a difficult issue. If you’re concerned about your child’s behavior or unsure of your own ability to set limits, take parenting classes on discipline or consult with a professional who understands child development. Such specialists can help guide you in the appropriate direction.

Parents in the midst of separation or divorce can easily feel overwhelmed. They must deal with their own emotional, legal, and financial problems and often have little energy left for their children. Yet, children suffer greatly during a divorce and need special attention just at a time when parents are least able to give it.

When parents are caught up in a divorce, they often don’t see their child’s distress clearly. They may feel helpless and guilty and, as a result, deny his needs: “He’ll be fine.” “The kids’ll keep busy.” “Their father worked such long hours; he didn’t spend much time with them anyway.” “He was an awful father. They’ll hardly miss him.”

Kids often don’t ask directly for help or reassurance. Instead, they may act sad, angry, and frustrated. Siblings will fight, cry, and whine more, or may do poorly in school. Children who act as though everything’s fine are simply keeping their anxious feelings inside.

Divorce can cause lifelong strain for children. They can grow up to distrust all relationships and fear being hurt. The roots of such emotional damage lie in the way children think about and experience divorce.

Often they blame themselves for the separation. They know that parents sometimes argue about child rearing, and they feel responsible for their parents’ fights: “If only I’d been good.” “If only I’d listened more.” Children also believe that their wishes are very powerful. Since they’ve sometimes had negative thoughts about their parents, they can believe those thoughts caused the divorce.

Related to this is a child’s intense desire to have his parents back together. If bad wishes can cause a divorce, can’t good wishes reunite two people? Even when the relationship was tense, argumentative, or abusive, the child will likely want them to stay together. And much as parents may want his approval for the divorce, he won’t believe that living apart is best. Instead, he’ll talk, dream, and wish for a reconciliation, and when one doesn’t come, he might feel angry at himself for his powerlessness and angry at his parents for ignoring his desires.

Parents have to deal with these feelings. There should be open communication between them and their children, and a sense that sad and angry thoughts are acceptable. Kids should talk and parents should listen and reflect back what they’ve heard: “It sounds like you think it’s your fault Dad and I don’t live together anymore.” After a child has expressed his feelings, parents have to continually reassure him.

Children need to ask lots of questions and parents should listen and respond, even when it’s very difficult: “Where will Daddy live? Will we see him? Why can’t he sleep here? Will he ever live here again?”  “If Mom was the only woman in the world, would you marry her again?”

Since he learns that his parents have stopped loving each other, he’ll worry at times that they’ll stop loving him, too. He needs to hear that both parents love him very much, and that, no matter how angry the parent he lives with is, he or she will never leave him. He’ll also want to know he can continue his relationships with grandparents and other relatives who’ve been close to him.

It’s important (now and throughout his childhood) for him to have regular, frequent communication and visits with the parent not living at home. A child loves both parents and will have an easier time adjusting if he sees the one not living with him often. Parents should reject the impulse to belittle each other or try to get their child to take sides. Although this can be very difficult if the divorce was bitter, parents must keep their child’s needs in mind. If he’s put in the middle of an emotional tug-of-war he’ll feel pressured, guilty, and disloyal.

As you help your child, offer him outlets for his feelings and try to smooth the way as much as possible. Talk to his teacher and ask for his or her support. Help your child tell his friends about the divorce. He might be ashamed to talk to his peers about it because it makes him different and more vulnerable.

Offer him books about children dealing with divorce and suggest that he write his feelings down. Be comforting when he cries or asks for extra hugs and attention.

If you’re the primary caregiver, you may find it very difficult to provide him with the support he wants. You may be overworked and emotionally drained. At times, tell him that you can’t pay attention to him: “I’m feeling sad right now. Can I help you a little later?” He may be considerate for a while, but eventually he’ll return for reassurance. You also can try distracting him since, despite the divorce; he’ll continue to have outside interests. If you do have to postpone talking to him, remember to make time later.

Since you’ll be busy and carrying a bigger work load without your spouse, you might be tempted to put some of the burden on your child. The period during and immediately after a divorce is not the time to give him additional chores or responsibilities. He might especially resent doing jobs his absent parent did.

Whatever you do to try and ease your child’s way, understand that you can’t fully keep him from suffering because of your divorce. Take his emotional responses seriously and get help for him and for yourself. Many parents and children have found individual or group counseling useful.

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Moving can be exciting. It also can be very stressful. There are upheavals, physical work, and sad separations for the whole family. As parents pack up toys, Photographs, and clothes, they often feel nostalgic. As a child says good-bye to his room, his favorite play spots, and his friends, he may wonder what his life will be like.

The success of a move depends on the circumstances involved. Families moving because of divorce, unexpected job transfer, job loss, illness, or death face pressures and burdens not shared by those moving under happier circumstances. A family moving to a familiar neighborhood will have an easier time than one going to a strange city or state.

Parents’ attitudes greatly influence the success of a move, since a child will often adopt their viewpoints as his own. If they’re cheerful about going to a new home, he’ll accept inevitable changes more easily than if they’re nervous and upset.

His move will go most smoothly if he doesn’t have to change schools. If he can spend his school hours with familiar teachers and friends, he can concentrate on the nice things about his new home: his bedroom, a nearby park, a bike trail. Some parents who make a mid-school-term move to a nearby community let their child finish the year in his old school. That way, he can be comfortable in class while meeting new neighborhood children.

Because parents get caught up in the physical demands of moving, they often don’t take time to reassure and support their child. They may believe all kids are resilient and have an easy time adjusting: “Don’t worry. You’ll be fine.” “You’ll make lots of new friends.” “Second grade is the same no matter where you go.” Yet, leaving familiar surroundings can upset any child.

The best way parents can help their child is by listening to him talk about the move. If he can express his fears, anger, and sadness, he’ll feel better. If he believes his negative feelings are unacceptable, he’ll hide them and express his anxiety in other ways. He may lose his appetite, act moody and sensitive, whine, cry frequently, or fight more with his siblings.

Encourage him to talk about moving. Ask questions: “What’s the best part about moving? What don’t you like?” “What can I do to make this easier for you?” Show that you understand his feelings: “I know it’s hard to leave our house. You’ll really miss your friends, won’t you?” Talk about the separations he’ll experience. He may be upset about leaving grandparents, cousins, a baby-sitter, or teacher. Let him know he can stay in contact with people who are special to him.

Before you pack, take photographs or videos of each room in your house, and ask your child if he’d like to be in those pictures. Help him plan a farewell with his friends. He may want children over for a party or outdoor snacks and games. He may decide to make cards for friends or offer them a treasure from his room.

He may want to help with the packing, or he may want nothing to do with the process. You shouldn’t insist on his help. As you pack his belongings, don’t get rid of his things without asking him. He may still feel attached to playthings he’s outgrown and, if the move is difficult for him, he may not want to part with any possessions: “I’m keeping everything!” If he feels this way, put all the items you’d like to discard in a box, take them to the new house, and, after he has adjusted, ask which ones he’d like to keep.

Immediately after the move, resume important family rituals like bedtime stories, evening snacks, and breakfast with the whole family. Show him his new school and set up an appointment to visit the principal and tour the building. Enroll him in after-school activities or sports where he’ll meet new kids while doing things he enjoys. And remember, in the midst of unpacking, he needs extra time reassurance, and love.

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At some point, every child is the victim of teasing. Classmates pick on each other: “You don’t know how to multiply yet!” “Kevin has a girlfriend!” Siblings insult each other: “You’re so dumb!” “Your ears stick out like Dumbo!” Occasional harassment is an inevitable part of growing up. However, when a child is consistently picked on at home, at school, or in the neighborhood, this is a serious situation and parents need to intervene.

Parents often have mixed feelings when their child is regularly picked on or bullied: “Is he really so different from the others?” They wonder if they could have shaped his personality differently. Should they have put more emphasis on fighting back? They may wish their child could tolerate a “normal” amount of teasing or stick up for himself: “It’s a tough world out there and you have to learn to get along.” Sometimes his predicament stirs up unhappy memories for them: “I used to get picked on for being short.”

Despite their feelings, a child who’s picked on needs his parents' help. If he’s teased too often, his self-esteem will be affected. He may come to view himself as his peers do and believe he deserves to be bullied. Then his behavior will encourage other children to continue taking advantage of him.

Sometimes he actually invites bullying as a way to get attention. If he feels unlikable or friendless, he may believe any recognition is better than none. He might laugh at himself because he sees no other way out: “See, I’m fat as a pig.”

More often, kids are singled out because they’re vulnerable or perceived to be different. A child may be picked on because of his weight, height, hair style, clothing, lack of athletic ability, or interest. He may be picked on simply because he lacks strong defenders and is therefore an easy target.

Why do any children look for a victim? In some cases, the ones who pick on others have never been consistently reminded to think or care about another person’s feelings. In other cases, they may be strong competitors who need to feel bigger and better at everything. Often, kids who bully others are themselves bullied at home. They may be put down by harsh or inflexible parents or attacked by siblings. Feeling powerless, they seek release by treating someone else as they’ve been treated.

 If your child complains about being picked on, first reassure him: “No one likes to be teased. You wouldn’t treat someone that way because you know how bad it feels.” Let him know that you won’t just leave him to fend for himself. Then together, find ways to make the situation better.

Gather as much information as you can. If you suspect he’s being victimized, but find him reluctant to discuss it, talk to him about hypothetical cases or your own experiences: “Sometimes kids make fun of someone just because she likes different things.” “When I was your age, some boys used to tease me on the bus.”

Ask your child how he thinks he might solve his problem. He may come up with usable ideas: tease back, walk away, tell the teacher or another adult, or get a friend to help out. If he’s worried that defending himself will get him into more difficulties, discuss his fears: “What do you think will happen if you tease Bonnie back?” Offer encouragement: “I think if you ignore Matthew’s teasing, it will make him uncomfortable. He’ll probably get tired of bothering you if he doesn’t get any attention for it.”

Role playing may be an effective method of problem-solving. Create situations similar to your child's: “Imagine I’m Jimmy and I say, ‘you stink at throwing ball.’ What can you do or say to stop me from repeating things like that?”

If he’s picked on at school, you should contact his teacher. She may not be aware of what’s going on, particularly if your child is harassed on the bus or during lunch or outdoor play.

When neighborhood kids tease your child, you can deal with them directly. Watch closely and set limits on their behavior: “You’ll have to stop bothering Phillip.” “If you want to play here, you can’t pick on these kids.” If there’s an opportunity, you can talk to seven- to nine year-olds about what it feels like to be picked on and suggest ways they can control their behavior.

You also may want to call the parents of a child who consistently bullies. They may be unaware of their child’s actions. Although the discussion might be awkward, work at trying to gain the parents’ cooperation: “I hope we’ll be able to help each other out.”

While you’re helping your child deal with his harassers, encourage him to form new friendships. If he’s secure in a circle of friends, he’ll be less vulnerable to teasing.

If your child continues to be picked on, you probably need to examine the relationships in your family. Does your child allow himself—or do you allow him—to be picked on by his siblings? If so, he may similarly allow himself to be picked on by his peers. Are all people in your family treated equally and with respect? Are put-downs common at home? Are you available to notice family interactions? Do you stress harmony in the family? Are you tolerant of differences among your children? Do you point out your child’s strengths and compliment his abilities? Is there too much stress in the home?

If you’ve tried a number of strategies without success, you may finally have to consider some big changes to remove him from harassment. One couple moved to a new neighborhood with more compatible families and found their child was much happier. Another family, unable to affect the behavior of a group of school bullies, put their daughter in a new school. The mother said, “It felt like we gave her a new start in life.”

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Schools, parents, and the media try to give children a clear message—drugs are bad. Children hear, “Just say no to drugs,” and “Drugs can kill you.” Six- to nine-year-old accept the message without question and declare, “I’ll never take drugs!” “You’ll go to jail.” “It’s against the law.” With few exceptions, they have no internal conflict about drugs, they don’t experiment, and they don’t face peer pressure to try drugs. They’re very aware of what’s right and wrong and they even know that drinking and driving don’t mix. One child, seeing a passing motorist sipping from a beer can, urged his parents to write down the license-plate number and call the police.

It’s easy for a young child to say no to the idea of drug use. What parents need to consider is what will happen when their child gets older and is confronted with peer pressure and opportunities. Parents hope that early warnings will keep their child out of trouble, but unfortunately, that’s not always the case. However, they should do all they can now to help their child reject impulsive experimentation later.

First, they should behave in ways they want their child to adopt. Too many parents say, “Don’t use drugs,” and then condone, use, or abuse alcohol or drugs themselves. They need to set a good example. If they drink frequently, kids will accept that as normal behavior. If they smoke, their children may smoke when they get older. Certainly if parents use drugs, their child will be confused about their warnings. Parents may try to hide alcohol or drug abuse, but he will eventually discover the truth. Then he may not only copy their actions, but feel anger and distrust toward them for deceiving him.

At some point, as you deal with the issue of drug abuse, your child may ask if you’ve ever used drugs. If you haven’t, you can comfortably answer the question, perhaps starting a discussion: “What made you curious?” “What did you think I’d say?”

If you did use drugs in the past, this isn’t the time to give your child the details. Perhaps you can share more when he’s older, but at this point simply give your message that drug use is unacceptable. Telling him anything more will greatly increase the risk that he’ll eventually do as you once did.

Keep the lines of communication open. While your child might be enrolled in an elementary school drug education program, don’t count on that to keep him safe. These programs are often ineffective because they’re aimed at young children who are already convinced that drugs are bad. Programs for pre-adolescents and teens tend to be more successful because they target kids who are actually exposed to drug culture and who are much more cynical about laws and prohibitions.

Your child needs your continuing guidance and support to resist drugs. Answer his questions and talk about the dangers of drug use. Your child will hear about political leaders, celebrities, and sport stars who’ve been arrested for drug possession or who’ve died of overdoses; he may be very upset if he admired one of them. Use these occasions to talk about the reasons for drug use and the alternatives people can choose.

As your child grows, you can help him avoid drugs by staying involved and encouraging him to feel good about his abilities and character. There’s value in a strong ego. A positive self-image gives preteen or teenager strength to resist peer influences and comfortably say no to drugs.

During the early elementary years, you’ll have few actual worries about drug use. But don’t ignore the potential problem. As he reaches the pre-adolescent years, keep talking to your child, reinforcing the anti-drug messages he hears, and helping him become strong enough to resist temptation when he encounters it.

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Many parents would like to avoid discussing AIDS with their child. However, kids are aware of the disease. They hear about it on TV and radio, they see stories about it in papers and magazines, and they hear adults and other children talk about it. They’ve heard that AIDS Patients die. They also believe the disease is mysterious, since they aren’t sure why or how people get it. This makes AIDS scary to them.

When you talk to your child about AIDS, you have the difficult task of presenting accurate information without making her unnecessarily frightened. Since children are not likely to pick up the disease, you can be honest but reassuring about her chances of exposure.

Let her ask questions and tell you what she already knows about the illness. Some of her information may be very inaccurate. Some of her questions may be too complex for you to answer without doing some research. Still, open communication is the best way to ensure that she forms a realistic idea of the disease.

She may believe that AIDS is as easy to catch as chicken pox or a cold. Let her know that all viruses are not alike, and that AIDS is very difficult to contract. Give details you consider appropriate for her level of maturity: “People who have the virus in their bodies sometimes pass it on to others.” “Doctors can check people’s blood to see if they have the disease.” “There are things people can do to make sure they don’t get AIDS.” Explain that AIDS is passed on mainly through sex and through drug users’ needles.

Your child will feel less concerned about AIDS if she can discuss it with you. If she doesn’t mention the disease on her own by the time she’s nine, you might want to bring it up as part of a general discussion of health, safety, sex, and growing up. There are good children’s books on the subject that you and she can read together. It also might help her to know that doctors and researchers are actively looking for ways to prevent and cure AIDS.

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“How was I made?”

“Where did I come from?”

Children’s understanding of sex and childbirth changes greatly between the ages of six and nine. Six-year-olds are still egocentric thinkers with personal opinions about how things work. They may reject the facts of life in favor of their own ideas about sex. Eight- and nine-year-olds can accept others’ thoughts and are better able to understand sex and birth.

Learning about sex is gradual. It begins early, with a child’s first feelings about his body. The way his parents respond when he’s learning to use the toilet, when he touches his genitals, and when he asks questions about his body contributes to his self-image and sense of sexuality.

By the early elementary years, all children have some information about sex. They’ve heard it from their parents, their older siblings, their friends, or characters in movies and on TV. Some are just told things, others ask. One six-year-old, watching her mother changes her seven-month-old sister’s diaper, asked, “So how did you get pregnant, anyway?” Another child picked up a tampon and asked, “What’s this for?”

Parents are often startled by how much their child knows. Inevitably, kids pick up a lot by talking and joking with each other about sex. One boy giggled while watching kissing on TV and then explained what “French kissing” was. He’d heard about it from a classmate. A girl told her mother how babies were made: “The S word. You know, SEX! You get naked and have sex.” Her older sibling had told her.

Parents should ask, “What do you think?” to find out what their child knows. Once parents are aware of his ideas, they can decide where to start discussions and how much information to give. It’s necessary for parents to be sensitive when talking about sex. Many children are not ready for all the facts, and too much information at once can be overwhelming. A six- or seven-year-old may be confused and uncomfortable at the thought of adults engaged in sex. A six-year-old, after hearing about childbirth, said, “I’m never having a baby!” At these ages, some children can accept and understand only small doses of information. Parents should tell a little about intercourse, conception, pregnancy, and birth, and then wait for more questions before continuing.

Eight- and nine-year-old may also be embarrassed by talk of sex, but they understand more. If a child this age hasn’t asked much about sex yet, his parents can initiate a discussion. They can begin by asking what he already knows. Some of the information may be right but some may be distorted, and it’s important for parents to correct misconceptions.

The tone of these discussions is important. Parents should be discreet and respectful, never laughing at their child’s questions or comments. Children need to feel they can come to their parents for straight answers about sex. The trust established during the early years will be important throughout childhood and especially during adolescence. If a child feels reluctant to talk to his parents because he feels ashamed or fears ridicule, he’ll gradually stop bringing questions home.

Of course, even the most well-intentioned parents may feel uncomfortable discussing sex. Parents who—verbally or non-verbally—convey their reluctance to talk may inadvertently shut off communication with their child. Parents may want to read about human sexuality before answering their child’s questions. Parents also can mention the awkwardness they or the child may be feeling: “I know you’re a little embarrassed. I am too. But, in our house, it’s okay to talk about sex and ask questions.”

In addition to talking, you might try another approach to sex education - offering your child books on the subject. There are many available. Read several before selecting ones that seem appropriate, considering his age and maturity. Start with a simple book and, as needed, introduce ones that include more details. Yost can read the book with him, offer it to him, or simply leave it, where he’ll find it on his own. Then wait for questions or begin a discussion yourself.

When you talk about sex and pregnancy with your child, you may want him to keep the information from his younger siblings—they might not be ready to hear all the facts. Your older child may try to keep your discussions private, but chances are he’ll tell his siblings what he knows. He might want to share his new information with someone, and a sibling is handier than a friend. If this happens, talk to your younger child, correct misunderstandings, and offer explanations that seem appropriate. If he’s not interested, don’t press the issue. He’ll come to you at a later date with his own questions.

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All young children have some experience with death. They may have lost a pet, seen TV coverage of a tragic accident, or overheard their parents talking about death. They may have lost a family member or heard about the death of a famous person. The circumstances vary and so do children’s reactions, ranging from curiosity about the death of a celebrity to devastation at the loss of a close relative.

Whatever the circumstances, talking to a child about death is difficult for parents, especially if they themselves are grieving. They may feel overwhelmed by their own sadness and unable to meet their child’s needs.

Even when parents aren’t mourning a personal loss, their child’s questions can make them uncomfortable: “Why did he die?” “Why couldn’t the doctor make him better?” “What happens to people after they die?” Parents have no easy answers or quick assurances. In addition, speaking about death forces them to confront their own questions and fears and reminds them of their mortality.

A child reacting to a death feels many of the emotions an adult does: loss, anger, frustration, and resentment. She may feel powerless (“Why couldn’t anyone help?”) and guilty (“I wish I’d seen her more.”). She may blame herself for a death she couldn’t have prevented (“If I’d been good all the time, he wouldn’t have died”).

If your family has experienced a loss, the most important thing you can do is talk to your child and comforts her. Find out what she thinks and, if necessary, correct her misconceptions: “I know it’s sad she was sick for so long.” “No, it wasn’t your fault Grandma died.” “Your thoughts didn’t cause the accident.” Let her share her feelings, and include her in some of your family discussions about the death. She may want to talk about her fears that you or she will die.

Some children don’t talk at all about their loss. If your child shows no sign of mourning or if she seems to be coping too well, she’s probably holding her feelings in. Talk to her about the person who died and help her express her hurt and anger so her feelings don’t become overwhelming.

If she wants to attend the funeral of someone she was close to, consider letting her go, It’s better for her to be with you there than to feel excluded or frightened at home. Explain what the funeral will be like. Let her know that people will be sad and many will cry. If she doesn’t want to attend, respect her decision. One nine-year-old told her parents, “I don’t like funerals and whenever you ask me if I want to go to one the answer is NO.”

As she struggles with her feelings, remember that mourning and the feeling of loss can last for weeks, months, even years, depending on how close she was to the person who died. Let her see that you, too, are still adjusting. With time and help from you and others, such as the children’s support groups found in religious and hospice organizations, your child will gradually come to terms with her loss. Families that share difficult times often find they are stronger and closer as a result.

“If you don’t hurry up you’ll be late for school!” Parents say this over and over while they hurriedly prepare breakfast, pack lunches, and get the family ready for the morning commute to day care, school, or work. In the midst of all this activity, six- to nine-year-old dawdle along, seemingly unaware of the frustration they cause. It can seem to parents that nothing keeps their children from procrastinating—not logical arguments, threats, rewards, or punishments.

One seven-year-old, proud of having gotten up half an hour early on a school morning, used all her time to watch TV instead of getting ready. An eight-year-old who dressed himself after much prodding asked, “Now what do I do?” as if he’d never been told to brush his teeth and pack up his school books. Many children need constant reminders: “Comb your hair.” “Put on your shoes.” “Stop playing and come down for breakfast.”

Most young children procrastinate in the mornings because they aren’t interested in rushing off to school. Getting ready is something they have to do, but it’s not a priority. They would much rather get involved in an interesting activity such as playing, drawing, reading, using the computer, or watching TV. In addition, they have only a loose sense of time. Ten minutes can feel like plenty of time to finish playing and get dressed. Its parents, not children, who think time and morning routines, are important.

Some kids are overwhelmed by the process of preparing for school. Instead of struggling to keep track of the things they must do, they avoid getting ready in the morning altogether. Other children, like some adults, just aren’t “morning” people and have a hard time waking up early. In some families, mornings are so stressful that children deal with the tension by pushing aside demands and distracting themselves in play.

Here are some strategies to try if you, like so many parents, have a child who procrastinates. Try waking yourself up fifteen to twenty minutes earlier so your preparations won’t be as hurried. With a little more time in the morning, you can relax, share a cup of cocoa with your child, talk during breakfast, may be take a short walk. Even five minutes of relaxed time together can make the morning smoother.

You also can wake your child up earlier so he has time to play before getting ready. If he seems tired in the morning, a shower may help wake him up. Try setting an earlier bedtime. This helps some children, although others don’t wake up well no matter how much sleep they’ve had.

You might find mornings more peaceful if you change the timing of your chores. Make lunches, lay out clothes, and help your child pack up his homework in the evening so you’ll have more free time before school.

Prepare a chart for him listing the things he should do to get ready, and use a timer to let him know when to begin. You can try a system of checks and rewards as motivators.

Perhaps he doesn’t clearly know what you expect from him. Calmly but firmly tell him what his morning responsibilities are. At a time when you’re not angry, ask him for suggestions: “What would help you get ready?” Explain the consequences of dawdling: “If you aren’t outside in time, you’ll miss the school bus.” “If you don’t come downstairs early enough, you won’t have time for pancakes.”

What works for one family or child may not work for another. You may have tried many techniques and still find your mornings difficult. In that case, changing your attitude toward your child may help some. Instead of expecting him to take care of himself completely, accept that you’ll have to help him along. It may he faster and more peaceful for you to comb his hair than to yell, “Can’t you remember anything? I told you to comb your hair!” Identify the tasks he has most trouble with and either offer help, do them for him, or keep calmly reminding him. If you change your tone, he may actually cooperate more because he wants to please you.

As your child approaches nine, you’ll see less procrastination in the mornings. He’ll be better able to handle multiple tasks in a short time and be more responsible. He’ll also care a little more about his appearance so he’ll put more effort into getting ready for school.

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“Cool! Awesome! Can I buy this shirt? All the kids at school wear this kind.”

As boys and girls reach the middle elementary years, they define themselves more and more by the clothes they wear. It’s not unusual for them to have strong preferences for certain styles and colors. They copy what their peers and older siblings wear and they pick up messages from TV, magazines, movies, store displays—even dolls dressed in the latest fashions. Because clothing sales are big business, retailers and manufacturers bombard consumers with images of contemporary styles, and kids can’t help but be influenced.

A child most often wants to wear what other children wear. If she looks too different she may feel vulnerable or threatened and may be teased. Parents, too, sometimes prefer their child to dress as her friends do. Looking like the rest of the group gives a sense of belonging.

Children’s style preferences vary; what’s popular in one city or school or neighborhood may not be in another. Some children like conservative looks, some prefer only up-to-date fashions, and others just care about specifics such as shoes or jewelry. The intensity of a child’s clothes-consciousness varies also, from caring a little to caring a lot. Most young children are too absorbed in friends, schoolwork, hobbies and after-school activities to make clothing a major preoccupation.

However, a child’s opinions about clothes can be strong enough to cause conflict. On the one hand, parents want to buy clothes that please their child, but they’re also frustrated if she wants items they find unappealing or expensive. Shopping becomes difficult because it’s hard for them to know what will fit or look good on her, and if she’d like their selections. Most parents have had the experience of picking something out and bringing it home to their child, only to have it hang in the closet unused. To avoid such waste, many parents take their child along on shopping trips. This, of course, leads to other problems. Children often dread shopping and trying on clothes. They act angry, bored, or silly, and find it hard to stick to the task.

You can ease many clothing conflicts by offering your child some choices, involving her in the process of choosing what to get, and preparing her for shopping trips. For instance, before you go to a store, tell her what she can get and how much you’re willing to spend. That way you and she will have similar expectations. Once you’re shopping, have her help hunt through the racks for sizes or colors: “See if you can find a sweater with green in it to go with the pants you like.” Let her make some decisions: “You can get this shirt for twenty dollars or you can get two shirts for ten dollars each.” If she picks an item you don’t like, suggest a modification: “Let’s look for something with a smaller design on the front.”

If she’s firm about wanting only current fashions, you can either avoid arguments by buying some of what she likes as long as you find it appropriate, or you can initiate a compromise. Suggest she pick out pants while you pick out the top. Let her choose a wild sweater and a plain skirt to go with it. Have her pick the styles, and you select the colors. (Fashionable clothes often look far less outrageous in muted colors.) You also can encourage her to concentrate on accessories such as bracelets and hair bands. If she gets some of the clothes she wants, she’ll have an easier time accepting your refusal to buy items you can’t tolerate.

Keeping the cost of children’s clothing down is always important. If your child wants a particular style, look for affordable versions at department or discount stores. A six- to nine-year-old doesn’t care about cost, only about having a certain look. At times, if she wants something you consider too expensive, offer to pay half while she pays the rest out of her allowance.

In addition to cost, consider the practicality of your child’s clothing. Since she needs to run around and explore, don’t buy play clothes that are delicate or hard to clean.

If you are having frequent arguments about clothing, step back and think about the issue. Excessive clothes-consciousness can be the result of power struggles in which parents won’t let their children participate in decision-making and children feel they can’t give in. Instead of getting locked in a battle of wills, considers child’s opinions and remember that she, like you, just wants to dress in a way that’s physically and emotionally comfortable. If you constantly argue about buying decisions, she will continue to focus on clothes. But if you allow her to help choose which to buy, you let her know she’s competent and capable of making some decisions for herself. You may sometimes be giving in, but you will be diffusing the issue of clothes-consciousness and helping your child gain self-confidence.

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In theory giving an allowance is a good idea, and this is a good time to start. Many parents of six- to nine-year-old want their children to begin learning how to save and spend wisely.

There are two main ways in which an allowance is given: conditionally and unconditionally. An unconditional allowance handed out automatically every week. A conditional allowance only given after a child successfully completes certain requirements. Chores are the usual requirements, but sometimes conditions are related to school work or general behavior. One parent who gives her child a conditional allowance said, “I want him to learn how the world works. You get paid for what you do.”

When an allowance depends on a child’s performance, there can be family conflicts. Children may remember only half of their chores or may argue that they’re too tired or busy to do all that their parents want. Parents have to constantly remind a child, “If you don’t clear the table, you won’t get your allowance.” “No money if you don’t fold the clothes.” In addition, he may complete his task, but not to the satisfaction of his parents. They have to continually monitor and judge.

When kids are threatened with losing their allowance, they often do as their parent desire. However, they sometimes try to negotiate. One boy regularly got two dollars a week for making his bed and cleaning his room. When he wanted to miss a day, he started bargaining: “Just give me one dollar this time.” When the negotiating got out of hand, her parents switched to an unconditional allowance and used other tactics to encourage him to keep his room neat.

Some parents use an allowance to try to control their child’s behavior. He may gain or lose money depending on how obedient he is or how well he does at school. While this may work, it may lead to anger and frustration. If he hears, “You forgot your math book. You’re losing 50 cents this week,” he may feel unfairly penalized. Receiving an allowance should be a positive experience, not one associated with anger and feelings of helplessness.

While some families have success with a conditional allowance, others eventually give it up because of the struggles and attitudes they see their child adopting. One parent said her son refused to pitch in and help with anything other than his assigned chores unless he was paid extra.

However parents decide to give an allowance, they should strive for a system that makes them and their child feel good. If one method doesn’t work, they can try another.

At times, children are very interested in money, asking for an allowance at the earliest possible moment each week and eagerly counting their savings. At other times, they may forget their allowances for weeks. Some families have a regular day when the allowance is given, while others are very casual, giving children money at irregular intervals. Again, any method is fine as long as family members are comfortable with it.

A big question for parents is how much money to give. There are no general rules, and amounts vary from family to family. When parents are in doubt, they can find out how much other children are receiving. Families in a neighborhood or parents of close friends sometimes agree to give their children equal amounts.

Many parents open a bank account for their child when they start giving him an allowance. They want him to learn about saving and put at least part of his money away. Yet, it’s often hard for them to know how much should be saved and how the savings should be used. While they should encourage savings, they should also allow their child to make his own decisions about his allowance. He’ll certainly make mistakes, but he’ll learn valuable lessons from the experience.

For instance, if he wants a toy his parents aren’t willing to buy he may decide to save and buy it with his own money. If he does manage to accumulate enough, they should praise him for his patience even if they doubt the wisdom of his purchase.

It takes time for children to learn to manage money wisely. You may be frustrated if your child wants to spend each week’s allowance on gum, baseball cards, or comics. You don’t want him to waste his money, yet you do want him to have control over what is, after all, his. You’ll have to strike a balance, letting him make some mistakes as long as he doesn’t violate your family’s basic ideas about buying and saving. Keep in mind, too, that most adults make unnecessary, frivolous purchases from time to time.

To encourage your child to be more responsible about money, have him occasionally donate a small amount, perhaps at the same time you’re making a donation to a worthy cause. He can use his money to help buy toys for needy children or give a cash gift to a charity. Although he may initially resist, he’ll soon feel good about his donations, especially if you praise him for helping others.

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Money is an emotionally charged subject. Many adults are uncomfortable with their financial situations and therefore reluctant to discuss money with their children. Some parents have feelings of guilt, anger, or confusion stemming from their childhood experiences with money. They may go out of their way to create a different climate in their own homes or may treat their children exactly as they were once treated.

Children’s lifelong attitudes toward money are based on what they learn at home; they’ll pick up their parents’ feelings whether finances are openly discussed or not. For that reason, parents should give careful thought to talking to kids about money.

People often wonder .how open they should be about the family’s finances. Should children have all their questions answered? Do they need to know how much the house cost, how expensive the car is, and how much the family paid for last summer’s vacation? Finances are a very private matter for most adults, and it’s difficult to know how much to share with a child.

 At the least, kids should feel it’s acceptable to ask questions, and they should have their questions answered in a way that will satisfy rather than frustrate them. That doesn’t mean parents have to provide all the details. However, they shouldn’t make money a secretive subject. No child should constantly hear, “I’m not telling you how much I get paid,” or, “Don’t ask. It’s none of your business.” It’s fine for parents to say at times, “The price of this feels private to me. I really don’t want to share it with you.” Then, at other times, they can be open about costs.

When children ask about money, their parents have an opportunity to start a discussion: “How much do you think our house cost? Do you know how much people pay for houses?” Parents can use financial questions to introduce subjects such as borrowing and saving.

Such discussions are valuable because young children have only vague ideas about money. They try to organize the little they know into general theories: “If you don’t have enough money, just tells your boss.” “Go to the bank and they’ll give you more money.” “Sue somebody and you’ll get a lot of money.” “Just trade in your change for dollars and you’ll have a lot.” A six- to nine-year-old has little understanding of buying power. Twenty-five dollars may seem like a lot and the $150 a week her mother spends on food may seem a fortune. A child this age also assumes that bigger means more expensive and she may not understand that a small piece of jewelry can cost more than a piece of furniture.

It’s difficult to give kids a clear picture of where money comes from, -how it’s spent, and how financial decisions are made. A child, not seeing the difference between necessities and luxuries, watches her parents purchase shampoo, food, clothes, and gasoline. She assumes they can buy whatever they want. Then, when they place restrictions on her purchases, she may feel confused and unfairly treated.

Children are quite sensitive to their parents’ financial concerns. When parents argue or worry openly about money, kids worry, too. A child may feel responsible for financial disagreements because her parents have told her the things she wants are expensive. She also may feel guilty if her parents say, “We buy you nice clothes and you don’t even wear them,” “Stop asking for new toys. You’ve got plenty already.”

On the other hand, children can make their parents reel guilty. When a child says, “Benjamin has new skates and so does Eve. Why won’t you buy me some?” her parents may feel inadequate and unable to make her happy. It’s important that they keep such demands in perspective. All young children want what their friends have. Parents should buy or not buy according to their own values and circumstances. They can tell their child, “You’d like to have what Eve has, but we’re not going to buy it,” or, “We have different buying rules in our home.” They should try to answer their child’s requests for purchases appropriately and realistically, without becoming angry or defensive.

Talking to your child about money is not easy. Try to respect her point of view, understanding that her knowledge will increase as she gets older. She’s not capable of adopting your financial concerns, and you shouldn’t expect her to. If you work outside the home, don’t burden your child with guilt by making such statements as, “We work hard to pay for your things.” Listen to her questions and engage in conversations (without lecturing) about money. And decide on what attitudes you want to teach her. How do you ultimately want her to feel about earning, spending, and saving?

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“Why do I have to tell you over and over again to put your clothes away?”

“You should have started your homework earlier!”

“Taking care of the gerbil is your job.”

“Don't race your bike down the sidewalk like that."

All parents want their children to be responsible. They want them to be considerate of others, do their schoolwork carefully and on time take care of pets, follow safety rules, and do household chores. When children don’t act responsibly, parents become Frustrated: “When will he, ever learn to do the right thing?”

It is helpful to know that responsibility is tied to a number of other traits such as thoughtfulness, common sense, generosity, and empathy. Responsibility requires maturity, alertness, and a social conscience. While a nine-year-old may be quite responsible, a six-year-old is just learning to think about the consequences of his actions.

In order to become responsible, a child needs good role models. His parents set the standards he’ll follow. If they emphasize the importance of doing a good job and caring about others, he’ll pick that up. He’ll often behave politely at a friend’s house and attentively at school.

The process of learning is neither quick nor smooth. Six- to nine-year-old need many reminders, particularly about personal grooming and household chores. Since a child rarely enjoys or cares about these tasks, he isn’t motivated to do them. This is understandable; even adults don’t like to consistently clean shop, make repairs, and pay bills.

Kids also don’t understand the reasons for many tasks. Making a bed may not seem important: “I’m just going to mess it up again tonight.” Even when parents explain why jobs are necessary, their child might resist: “It’s not fair that I have to take out the trash. I’m not the one who filled up the bag.” “Why should I put the game away? Shannon took it out.” “Nobody will care if my hair isn’t combed.”

Parents may feel less frustrated if they accept that reminders are a necessary part of teaching a child to be responsible. One mother, angry over repeatedly having to ask her child to clear his dishes after eating, decided to take a realistic approach. Instead of loudly reprimanding him (“Why can’t you ever remember to put your plate in the sink?”), she simply incorporated reminders into her mealtime routine (“Don’t forget to clear your dishes”). She felt calmer, he felt less pressured, and the job got done.

Reminders are important in all areas of responsibility. Children need to be told, in nonjudgmental ways, about safety, consideration for other, schoolwork, and family obligations. For some responsibilities, such as chores or homework, a chart might be useful. Each day, a child checks off the jobs he’s completed. Even with a chart, though, most kids still need reminders. The mother of a second grader tried offering a reward each time her daughter did her homework, made her bed and got herself dressed without reminders. However, this mother’s expectations were unrealistic—a child this age just can’t consistently keep track of this many obligations.

If your child continually fails to be as responsible as you’d like, reexamine your expectations. You might be asking him to do too much. Try eliminating one or two of the less important tasks he struggles with and see if he doesn’t become more responsible about the remaining obligations. Also, be sure to leave him free time to play and pursue creative projects; if he has to spend a big portion of his time on tasks that don’t interest him, he’ll be too frustrated to do his best.

In teaching responsibility, as in many other aspects of parenting you’ll find your child becomes most cooperative when you get involved. Help him clean his room, offer to trade jobs so he can water the lawn while you pick up the toys, occasionally sit beside him paying bills or writing a letter while he does homework, put on your seat belt as you tell him to fasten his, have him help you on a charity project.

If he’s able to behave responsibly after you’ve given him reminders, he’s on the right track. Although you may wish he’d learn more quickly, be assured that you’ll continue to see progress as long as you patiently reinforce responsible behavior at home.

The early elementary years are a time of growing independence. Children generally have an easy time being away from home during the school day, and they often want to play with friends or participate in organized activities in the afternoons. On weekends they may balk at joining a family outing, preferring to spend time pursuing their own interests or being with friends. Kids this age also want less parental supervision. They want to ride their bikes to the playground, walk to the community pool, and stay outside longer.

Parents greet this push for independence with ambivalence. They want their children to become capable, competent people who can take care of themselves. At the same time, the path to independence isn’t smooth and the process of letting go isn’t easy.

Primarily, parents worry about their child’s safety. As she strives for independence, they constantly have to consider her welfare. Some decisions are easy: a seven-year-old is too young to ride her bike on a busy street. Other decisions are more difficult. Is she ready to walk alone to her friend’s house? Can she go to a neighborhood playground without an adult? Kids of this age are confident enough to argue heatedly, “I want to go! Everybody else is allowed to!” They feel justified in pushing their points. They know what they want, and parents have the tough job of determining how much independence to give and when to give it.

Parents also have to deal with their own feelings of frustration and sadness. The frustration comes from gradually losing control. No matter how often a preschooler says, “I want to do it myself.” her parents are still firmly in charge. The six- to nine-year-old has a stronger will, a stronger sense of herself, and a growing need to make some decisions for herself. Parents also have a sense of sadness as she begins to separate from them. Certainly there’s pride as she matures and becomes more independent, but there’s also a feeling of loss. The child who had depended totally on her parents is now growing up.

As you deal with the issue of independence, you’ll make constant adjustments. Sometimes you’ll be surprised at how mature your child seems. One mother was amazed when her formerly reluctant seven-year-old went off confidently for a weekend at friends. Until recently, the girl wouldn’t spend a night, away from home without lots of kisses, hugs, and assurances from her mother.

Sometimes you’ll he surprised at how dependent your child suddenly seems; in development there are always steps backwards. Mixed with your child’s growing independence is a strong need for your guidance and positive feedback.

If you’re finding it hard to let your child do more for herself, consider the benefits of independence. If you allow her some of the freedom she wants, she’ll feel confident about her ability to take care of herself. Let her ride her bike in the neighborhood. Let her make choices—how to arrange her room, for instance—and she’ll feel good about decision-making. And if you let her help you with some challenging tasks, you’ll encourage her sense of competence. For example, let her help you trim the bushes or plant flowers. In the kitchen, let her slice the vegetables, mash the potatoes, or prepare dessert. These are more rewarding activities than such usual jobs as setting or clearing the table.

As she pushes for independence, you may he puzzled (or irritated) to find she doesn’t take on more personal responsibility. You still have to remind her about chores and simple tasks: “Do your homework.” “Straighten your room.” “Get ready for bed.” From her point of view, these are not top priorities. What’s important to her is running around outside, doing an arts and crafts project, reading a good book, or playing a game.

As you tackle the difficult job of deciding how much independence to give, talk to other parents and ask yourself questions about your child. How mature is she? Can she safely cross the street? Would she dart into the street after a ball? Do her friends follow common-sense rules? Would they encourage her to misbehave?

Consider your child’s age and the ages of her friends. Six- and seven-year-olds need a lot of supervision while eight- or nine-year-olds are capable of spending more time on their own. In general, early elementary-aged children need to be checked on. First, there are safety concerns. Seven-year-olds allowed to go off by themselves may be harassed by older children. A six-year-old skating alone may fall and have no one to help her.

Kids also need supervision for social reasons. They may become angry with each other and fight. They may also exclude one another from play and need some reminders about getting along.

After you’ve considered your child’s maturity and age, judge her requests for independence separately. If she wants to go to the playground, will she walk or ride her bike? Will she be with a friend or, an older sibling? How long will she be gone?

You know your child and her patterns of behavior. If your instinct says she shouldn’t go on her own, don’t give in to your child’s demands. You may feel over-protective at times, but it’s better to be cautious. Try to interest her in another activity, or put your own tasks aside and take her where she wanted to go. She can play happily at the park while you sit reading nearby, comfortable knowing she’s safe.

If you and your child argue a great deal about independence, take time when you’re both feeling calm to talk about the problem. Tell her, “It seems like we yell a lot about things I won’t let you do” and give her the reasons for your decisions. When she’s angry, she may not understand why you say no and may assume you’re trying to be meant. Calmly explain your concerns, and then listen to her. Let her know you’re paying attention: “It sounds like you think I’ve been unfair.” Communicating on the subject of independence will help you understand each other and get along better.

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