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Parents always value the times when their child wakes up and plays contentedly in her crib. An infant may be entertained by looking at or randomly batting a mobile and a baby who can sit up may be happy with toys left for her. The cheerful sounds of a child playing in her crib are delightful to parents—and so are the extra bits of free time that come when she entertains herself.

                               The length of time a child will spend playing alone varies, depending on her age and needs. Some children will play happily as long as they hear their parents nearby, while others will stop playing and want to be picked up right away. Many babies won’t play at all and will want to be taken out of the crib as soon as they’re awake. It’s not unusual for babies to go through different phases: a child who’s been happy to play in her crib may suddenly stop wanting to spend time there. And often, a baby who shows anxiety about being separated from her parents during the day will not want to play alone in her crib.

                               If your child doesn’t play when she wakes up, you probably feel frustrated, especially if she’s an early riser. In order to get a little more sleep, you might try bringing her back to bed with you when she first wakes up. Even if she doesn’t fall asleep again, she may lie quietly with you for a while. You can also put some toys on your bed or on the floor nearby and encourage her to play quietly while you rest.

                               If she does play in her crib, be sure the toys you leave are safe and appropriate. And since she does a lot of moving and turning while she sleeps, be sure the objects in her crib won’t harm her or wake her up if she bumps them. You might also want to switch toys in the crib every few weeks so she’ll have some new things to play with. And occasionally try putting her in her crib to play after a bath or meal—you might have a little extra time to yourself if she’s content to stay there for a while.

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A young child often needs his parents during the night. As an infant, he may wake up crying for them, and as a toddler he may call out for them or get out of bed to find them. Some parents meet their child’s nighttime needs by going to his room and comforting him there. But other parents find it easier at times to let their child sleep in bed with them. These parents believe that they and their child sleep better when they’re all together.

                               The thought of a child sleeping with his parents shocks some people who’ve been conditioned by “experts” to believe the experience is harmful. Many parents who let their child sleep with them at night are reluctant to discuss the issue because they think their situation is unique. Actually, many parents have their children sleep in bed with them at some point, and they find the experience easy, enjoyable, and beneficial.

                               Children end up in their parents’ beds for a variety of reasons. Parents might bring a wakeful infant to bed so they can tend to him without having to get up during the night. Or they might want him near so they can be sure he’s safe, and so he can feel emotionally secure. Parents of a toddler may find their child climbing into bed with them on his own during the night. While some toddlers sleep easily in their rooms, others are too frightened or lonely to stay by themselves and try desperately to sleep with their parents. A child who’s determined to be with them will climb out of his crib or bed and go to their room. One child told his parents, “I think of scary things in my bed, but when I get into your bed they go away”. If they won’t let him into their bed, he might try to sleep on the floor next to their bed or in the hall-way outside their door.

                               Parents who do choose to let their child sleep with them still may express concerns. They wonder if they’re being too responsive to their infant or toddler, or if he will become too dependent on them. It’s true that he may develop a habit of sleeping in his parents’ bed, but he won’t be harmed by this. Rather, he’ll benefit from the reassurance and sense of security he receives from such closeness.

                               When parents start letting their child sleep with them, they may wonder if they will ever again have a bed to themselves. Parents of a nine-month-old can feel overwhelmed by the thought that their child may be in bed with them for a few years, although actually, children’s sleeping patterns and needs are hard to predict and parents’ expectations change as children develop. The amount of time a child will spend in his parents’ bed varies between families and within families over time. Some parents have their infant with them for the first six months to a year. Others let their child fall asleep in their bed and then move him to his own room each night; he may spend the whole night there or wake up and come back to his parents’ room. Some children spend part of every night with their parents, while others come to their parents’ bed only occasionally.

                               Ultimately, the parents’ goal is to have their child sleep on his own, and as he becomes less dependent on their reassurance, he’ll be ready to spend nights in his own bed. At that point, his parents can help him get used to sleeping in his room by offering a night light, music, or back rub.

                               Parents wonder how their sexual relations will be affected by the presence of a child in bed. Since sexual relations should always be private from children, parents should not become intimate when their child is in bed with them. They can either be together in another room in the house or carry their sleeping child back to his own room. To assure privacy, they should close and lock the bedroom door when they’re having sexual relations. And if the child does surprise them during an intimate moment, they should try not to overreact to the intrusion. The chances are good that the sleepy child has not observed his parents very closely. Although they might feel that the child who sleeps with them interferes with sexual spontaneity, they should remember that a child who wakes up crying in his own room also interrupts his parents’ intimacy.

                               Aside from effects on sexual relations, there’s another aspect to having a child in bed that parents are sometimes concerned about—the quality of sleep. While many parents are happy to avoid getting up with their children at night, others find that having a child in bed is not very restful. An infant makes many sounds as he sleeps, and a toddler may toss and turn, waking his parents. Some pediatricians recommend that parents buy themselves a queen or king size bed so they can accommodate their child. Another possibility is for parents to place a mattress or crib in their room so the child can sleep nearby.

                               Most parents who let their child sleep in bed with them are pleased with the result. Parents who are away from their child all day enjoy the chance to be close to him at night, to give a middle-of-the-night hug and say, “I love you”, and to wake up next to him in the morning. They often report that he doesn’t have nightmares and has fewer problems falling asleep when he’s in bed with them. And families tend to get more sleep when parents don’t have to wake up and go to a child in another room.

                               If you’re concerned about having your child in your bed, remember that there are different ways to meet his needs. If you’re comfortable going to your child’s room, that’s a good choice for you. And if you prefer bringing your child back to your own room, that also is fine. Whichever way you choose to respond, the important thing is to give him the security that comes with attention and care.

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Many parents have problems getting their child to sleep at night. When it’s time for bed, she may want to be fed, held, walked, sung to, talked to, read to, or comforted. She would like her parents to spend time with her as she falls asleep, but they would rather put her quickly and peacefully to bed and then get on with their own activities.

Parents wonder why their child won’t fall asleep alone when they hear, or imagine, that other people’s children go to sleep easily. It’s true that some quickly fall asleep and that others are content to lie down with a bottle, pacifier, blanket, or stuffed animal. But most young children have a genuine need for their parents to be with them at night.

Bedtime can be a lonely, frightening time for young children, who naturally feel safer and more comfortable if their parents stay with them. Even three-, four-, and five-year-olds prefer not to be alone at night. One child said, “I can fall asleep better if you stay in my room”, and another asked her parents, “Why do you want me to go to sleep? Don’t you want to be with me?” A child finds it hard to understand her parents’ need to be alone—she obviously has no such need herself.

The intensity of a child’s bedtime need for her parents can be judged by the struggles that occur when they leave her in her room. A baby might spend a long time crying while an older child might get up or call out for water, another kiss, a trip to the bathroom, and anything else that would bring her parents close again. Elaborate bedtime rituals can take forty minutes or longer and often leave parents angry and frustrated. It’s not unusual for a parent to sing “Rock-a-Bye Baby” through clenched teeth.

But what happens if, instead of spending forty minutes trying to get the child to fall asleep alone, parents spend ten to twenty minutes keeping her company—feeding her or rubbing her back or lying next to her? She will feel content and secure and fall asleep peacefully without a bedtime struggle.

Once parents see how strong their child’s need and desire for closeness is, they may choose to stay with her at bedtime. In this situation, as in many others, parents will have to lower their expectations. They’ll have less free time than they’d like. But they’ll also eliminate many nighttime problems associated with a child’s loneliness, fear, and insecurity, and they’ll end their child’s day in a calm and relaxed way.

If you decide to stay with your child until she falls asleep, you may find that few people you discuss the situation with will give you support and encouragement. Many parents do stay with their children, but few talk about it because they fear criticism. In a parent discussion group, one mother blurted out that her child would not fall asleep unless she was nursed. She expected to hear criticism, but instead saw other mothers at the meeting nod their heads. Their children behaved the same way.

The time you spend helping your child fall asleep should be restful for both of you. You can use the time to relax, think, enjoy your child’s closeness, or read. At times you will probably nap or even fall asleep for the night. You may want to adjust your schedule to accommodate this by getting up earlier in the morning.

You may be afraid that if you stay with your child at bedtime, she’ll become manipulative or unwilling ever to fall asleep alone. It’s true that she will get used to having you with her, but as she gets older, her need for your company will lessen. And when you think she’s ready, you can let her know that you expect her to fall asleep alone most of the time, perhaps with the help of soothing music, a night light, or another comforting device. At that point, she’ll know that she can count on you, and that when she really needs you, you will come.

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“Does your baby sleep through the night yet?” That’s a familiar question for new parents and one they dread answering if their child is still waking up. Many people believe that a baby should be sleeping through the night by the time he’s three months old, and if he isn’t, his parents may naturally feel frustrated and worried. Losing sleep is one of the hardest adjustments new parents have to make.

Actually, it’s rare for an infant consistently to sleep through the night. Some babies do sleep through when they’re three weeks old, but many are still waking up at ten months and others are two or three years old before they sleep all night. The frequency of waking varies from child to child and depends on many circumstances.

An infant may wake up at night to be fed, changed, or held. A slightly older child may turn himself over during the night, waking up in the process. If a baby has new teeth coming in, he may be uncomfortable and wake up to be comforted. And if he is developmentally at the stage when he believes people exist only if he can see them, he may wake up to see his parents and be reassured. Parents often consider this last type of wakefulness to be manipulative because the child stops crying as soon as they come in his room. But he does not intend to manipulate—he just wants to see his parents and be close to them.

Basically, a baby wakes up because he needs to be loved, comforted, fed, or helped. He doesn’t understand that his parents prefer to meet his needs during the day and sleep during the night. He wants them whenever he needs them—day or night.

A wakeful baby can be difficult and frustrating for parents. If they get up at night to respond to their child, they lose sleep and suffer all the physical and emotional consequences of being tired. They also face the criticism of others who say, “The only way your baby is going to learn to sleep is if you let him cry it out”. Such comments are unfortunate because parents who do get up at night with their children need support and encouragement. Many parents eventually become secretive about getting up because they don’t want to be ridiculed by friends and relatives.

Sometimes parents of a wakeful child become resentful, envying other parents whose children sleep all night, and wondering what’s wrong with their own child. “Does everyone else have an easier baby?” Parents may blame themselves for their situation, believing that they caused their child’s wakefulness by being too attentive to his cries: “If only we had let him cry it out earlier, maybe we’d all be sleeping now.”

There’s really no need for doubt and self-blame. Parents who go to their child at night give him a sense of security and show that they care about his needs. When a child is left to cry it out at night (which is what many childcare advisors advocate), he learns only that he has no options, that his needs will not be consistently met, and that his only choice is to give up. It’s important to go to a baby who wakes up crying.

Parents of a wakeful child need to know that they are not alone. Many babies wake up during the night. One mother who was frequently up with her child in the middle of the night took comfort looking out at the house next door. There she saw a brightly lit window indicating that her neighbors were awake with their own infant. This mother felt relieved knowing that other people were going through the same thing she was. Once parents understand this - that they are not alone — they can alter their expectations about normal sleeping patterns and begin to feel better about their child’s behavior.

If you are the parent of a wakeful child, you will want to help him get back to sleep as quickly as possible. First, try to meet his needs by changing him, feeding him, or making him more comfortable. If he’s still wakeful, try soothing him with rocking or singing. Sometimes mechanical, repetitive sounds are calming. On a “loop” tape you can record the hum of a hair dryer, humidifier, air conditioner, fan, even a vacuum cleaner, and play it when your baby needs to be comforted. There are special tapes, CDs, and toys that play the sounds of heart-beats; you might try one of these. You can try staying with your child in his room, rubbing his back until he falls asleep. Or you might want to bring him back to bed with you so he can nurse or just calm down while you rest.  Having him sleep with you may be less exhausting and frustrating than getting up several times to comfort and feed him.

If you’re not getting enough sleep, try napping during the day or early evening, or going to bed early at night. And recognize that, exhausting as this part of childcare can be, wakefulness will decrease as your child gets older. Eventually, you will get a full night’s sleep again.

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When parents hear how well-behaved their child is with a relative, teacher, friend, or caretaker, their response is often, “That’s not how she acts when she’s with me”. And conversely, when parents hear that their usually energetic child seemed withdrawn while spending time away from home, they wonder, “Why does she act differently when she’s away?”

A child’s behavior does change, depending on whom she’s with and where she is. Parents see this when they pick her up from school, day care, or a friend’s house. As soon as they arrive, she may start acting negatively—whining, making demands, and clinging. When a parent asks if she’s acted this way all along, the usual answer is, “No, she was fine until you arrived”. Parents may be partly relieved to hear their child enjoyed herself, but also partly upset by her actions.

Most often, a child’s behavior changes when her parents arrive because she’s more comfortable when they’re around. Once she sees them, she can express the feelings she may have been keeping to herself. Perhaps the day was frustrating because she couldn’t play with a favorite toy or because a teacher put pressure on her. Or perhaps she was angry at her parents for leaving her with a caregiver. The day’s frustrations all come out when her parents come to pick her up.

It’s natural for a child to feel less comfortable expressing her needs and feelings when she’s away from home. Adults, too, are more reserved when at work or in the company of others. Therefore, it’s not surprising that a child who seems content all day will let off steam when she’s with her parents.

Sometimes parents experience the opposite situation with their child. She seems happy and playful when they arrive and is reluctant to go home. The parents assume that she’s had a wonderful time, but often she has actually spent the day acting withdrawn and uninvolved. Such behavior, typical of two-year-olds, occurs because she’s more comfortable playing and exploring when her parents are around. Therefore, she doesn’t really begin to enjoy herself until it’s time to leave.

If your child seems fussy after a day away from you, or starts complaining when it’s time to go home, be sure to question the teacher, friend, or caregiver. Ask about your child’s interest and activity level, and try to get a true picture of her day. When communication is good between you and your child’s caregivers, you’ll be better able to anticipate and understand her behavior.

If you know that her mood will change when she sees you, you can plan ahead. If she’s whining, try to distract her. “When we get home, I’m going to get the play dough out”. And if you know she’ll want to start playing when you’re ready to pick her up from school or day care, plan to arrive a little early or stay a little longer. That way, she’ll have time to explore comfortably and then leave in a pleasant way.  

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When a birthday invitation arrives in the mail, children are excited. They ask, “Can I go? When is it?” and talk eagerly about presents, cake, and goodie bags. But when the first excitement is over, a child may ask his parents another question: “Will you stay with me at the party?”

For some children, attending a party is difficult. Between the ages of two and three and one-half, a child may only want to go to a birthday party if his parents come along, and he may cling and ask them not to leave once he’s arrived. This can happen even when the birthday child is a close friend and the birthday home is familiar.

Children who are shy are likely to have a harder time separating than children who are outgoing and self confident. A child who’s quiet in groups may prefer to observe at parties rather than to participate and may only feel comfortable doing this when his parents are with him. He also may want them around because he feels temporarily overwhelmed by the excitement, the number of people at the party, the sight of strange children, or the unusual appearance of a friend’s house decorated for a birthday. If the party is in a restaurant or other unfamiliar place, he may feel even more unsure.

Some children feel insecure at parties because their friends’ fathers are there. Many two- and three-year-olds aren’t comfortable with other children’s fathers. In some cases, children have not been around men as much as around women, and they may find fathers a bit scary because of their deep voices, big size, or beards. Occasionally, a child becomes afraid of a father because of the man’s profession. “He’s a policeman and can put you in jail”, one four-year-old told his three-year-old brother.

Whatever the reason for a child’s reluctance to attend a party alone, his parents may experience frustration because of the situation. They may wonder why he needs to be with them when other children the same age seem willing to stay at parties by themselves. And parents may worry about his ability to interact with other children, or his lack of independence.

In addition, parents can become angry, especially if they have other plans for the hours of the party, or if they don’t generally like to stay and participate at birthday parties. A parent may tell a child, “If you don’t stay at the party by yourself you’ll have to come home right now!” Such a message can leave the child feeling unaccepted, angry, and “bad” over something that he’s already having difficulty working through. And an angry parental outburst can make the parent feel bad later.

If parents can recall their own childhood experiences at parties, they may feel more tolerant and accepting about their child’s anxieties. Most of us have mixed memories. We may have been happy about the cake and ice cream and games, but we also remember some disappointments and feelings of shyness and embarrassment.

If your child is anxious about attending a party, you can look for ways to make him feel more comfortable. For example, see if a close friend or neighbor is invited to the same party so the two children can go together. Being with a friend may ease the pressure your child feels and make separating from you easier.

If you take him to the party and he wants you to remain, try staying for a few minutes to see if he begins to feel at ease. The parent giving the party can help by getting your child involved with another guest or with a toy or game. And sometimes just showing your child the cake and goodie bags will be enough to make him feel comfortable. If he decides he can stay alone, let him know that you’re leaving and tell him you’ll be back when the party’s over.

If, however, he wants to have you stay with him for the entire party, you may need to make spontaneous plans to do so. Tell the host that your child will feel more comfortable with you there. Most parents will understand, especially if you offer to help out. And keep in mind that although this situation may seem difficult, your child will become more independent with time. By the age of four or five, he’ll probably go more confidently to parties without you and enjoy participating and playing on his own.

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Between the ages of twenty months and three years, some children won’t let their fathers help them. When a father tries to comfort his child during the night, get her dressed, get her some juice, or even fasten her seat belt, she resists: “No! Only Mommy do it.” Young children are often strongly attached to their mothers, and during this brief developmental phase they seem to reject their fathers.

This stage can be very frustrating. A father who wants to take an active role in caring for his child may find it hard to understand her resistance and rejection. At times he may feel like giving up and telling his wife, “You take care of her. Why should I even try?” His feelings may be hurt and he may show signs of resentment towards his child.

The mother’s role, too, is difficult during this stage. It’s hard for her to see her husband rejected and hard to try and persuade her child to allow him to help. There’s also more pressure on the mother to take over the work of childcare. This means she’s always the one to get up at night, give comfort, and get the child ready in the morning.

One mother no sooner got into bed after feeding her two-month-old baby, when her three-year-old daughter called out for water. The tired mother asked her husband to respond, but their daughter refused his help: “Not you. I want water from Mommy.” To avoid a middle-of-the-night struggle, the mother got up, but the encounter was unpleasant for both parents.

Some parents try reasoning with their child (“Mommy’s tired”) or forcing her to accept the father’s help. They say firmly, “If you want a drink, you’ll have to let Daddy get it.” Sometimes such statements work, but sometimes tears and tantrums follow. It may be easier to give in, at least during the night, and have the mother get the drink so the family can go quickly back to sleep rather than deal with a struggle.

If the father’s unable to help his child because she rejects him, he can still help his wife by taking over additional household responsibilities or caring for the couple’s other children. And both parents should try not to let the father’s feelings of rejection interfere with their basic relationship with their child. In the course of development, the stage of “only Mommy do it” is rather short.

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When they’re at home young children want to be near their parents. While the intensity of need varies with age and personality, children, especially between the ages of fifteen months and three years, are usually most content playing and exploring when their parents are close by.

Young children like to be with their parents much of the time, day and night. Often, parents find that their child has an easier time falling asleep if they stay with him patting his back or keeping him company. In the uneasy moments before sleep, he gains comfort when they are near.

His desire to be with his parents is normal, and the attention he receives from them is essential for his development. As he comes to understand that they are there even when he can’t see them, and that every time they go away they come back, he begins to feel secure and trusting. Gradually, based on these feelings of trust, he’ll develop the ability and desire to separate from his parents.

Waiting for that separation to occur, however, can be frustrating for parents who would like more time to themselves. They don’t often have a chance to be alone at home, especially when they’re followed by a young child who won’t let them out of his sight. And at times, a child who stays close by his parents can be an embarrassment in public or when other adults are visiting.

A baby will indicate his need for closeness by reaching out to be picked up. When he can crawl, he’ll follow his parents’ voices and crawl to be near them. Later as a toddler, he’ll often carry his toys from room to room to be with his parents. And although at three or four years old he may spend time at school, day care, or a neighbor’s house, he’ll still prefer to be near his parents when he’s home. Children, like adults, want company-especially the company of their own families.

When your child wants to be with you, try to be understanding and accommodate him when possible, knowing that this stage of hi development normal. When you need time for yourself at home, try distracting him with an interesting puzzle, book, or box of toys that he hasn’t seen for a while. You also can invite one of his playmates for a visit. When your preschooler has friends over, he may play happily without having you nearby; if the children are old enough to play safely without close supervision, you can have some time to yourself.

If you’re having adult guests over, try to anticipate your child’s need for attention. Suggest he draw pictures for the visitors to take home. Place some interesting toys next to your seat so he can play nearby without having to involve you. Such diversions work, but it’s unrealistic to expect him to leave you entirely alone. If you exclude him, he may become demanding, silly, or whiney. But if you partially include him, focusing attention on him at least some of the time, you should be able to talk to your guests without too much interruption.

As he reaches the early elementary years, he’ll spend more and more time playing with friends or occupying himself in his room, and less time with you. One mother, whose seven-year-old always stayed close to her when he was a preschooler, was surprised to find herself greatly wishing he’d spend more time with her now.

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Parents are puzzled when their toddler shifts from being dependent to being independent and back again. Why, for example, would she suddenly dart away from her mother and then just as suddenly come running back to check that she’s still there?

 Such on and off behavior comes from the child’s mixed feelings about her place in the world. When she first learns to walk, she develops a sense of independence and joy. She’s delighted with her new-found skill and control, feeling that the world is at her command. Soon after exercising her new independence, however (sometime between seventeen months and two years), her perceptions of her place in the world change and she feels quite small and vulnerable, it’s her joy in exploration combined with her feelings of inadequacy that lead her to run off and run back.

Typical of a child at this stage is an eighteen-month-old girl waiting in line with her mother at the post office. She wiggles away and goes to look at a chain hanging across a doorway. As soon as she reaches the chain she says, “Mommy, Mommy,” and runs to get picked up. After a few seconds, she gets back down, runs and touches the chain, and then runs back to her mother. She repeats this cycle as long as she and her mother wait in line.

This developmental phase of emotional dependence-independence, which is a normal part of growth, can last until the child is two and one-half to three years old. Different children show different degrees of dependence. Some aren’t comfortable exploring their surroundings on their own and may cling to their parents. Most children need more reassurance when they’re out of their secure and comfortable homes.

During this stage, your child may be especially sensitive to your responses and easily upset when you disapprove of her behavior, just as she’s pleased when you approve. Over time as she gains more experience, a change will occur and she’ll be able to play, explore, and move about without coming to you for repeated reassurance. Until then, try to accept her behavior, smile and wave when she goes off a bit on her own, and give her the emotional support she needs to feel secure about her world.

People’s reactions vary when they see a child sucking his thumb. Some feel strongly that it’s good for him to fulfill his own needs this way, while others feel just as strongly that it’s not. Because of the differing opinions offered on the subject, parents are sometimes unsure about what to do.

Babies begin sucking their thumbs for the same reasons they use pacifiers and frequent nursing or bottle drinking — to satisfy their sucking needs. The thumb is always there and so the child is always in control, which is not the case with the pacifier, breast, or bottle. And a baby who sucks his thumb may be less dependent on his parents to calm and soothe him since, with his thumb; he’s able at times to comfort himself.

It’s not unusual for a child to suck his thumb for years – sometimes until he is five, six, or even older. During the preschool years, sucking gradually decreases, and by the time he’s of school age, he’s usually sucking his thumb only at night before bed or during an anxious time, such as the birth of a sibling or a move to a new house. Some children, however, may occasionally suck their thumbs during the day when they first enter elementary school.

There are pediatricians who advocate thumb-sucking and even encourage new parents to help their baby get started on the habit. These doctors reason that thumb-sucking is a natural and easy way for a child to satisfy himself. Other doctors say that a child who’s given the breast or bottle on demand will already have his sucking needs met and will not need or desire a thumb. Finally, there are pediatricians who are against thumb-sucking, believing it’s an unnecessary habit that may harm the child’s teeth.

Just as pediatricians offer various opinions, parents, too, have different feelings about thumb-sucking. Many are unconcerned but do feel bothered by negative comments they hear from others. Friends, relatives, and even strangers will criticize a child for thumb-sucking and try to pressure his parents to stop him. For many families, this is the only problem connected with the habit.

In other families, thumb-sucking is looked on with ambivalence. Parents worry about their child’s teeth, about how long he’ll continue, about how he’ll finally give it up, and about whether they should try to make him stop. And there are parents who don’t want their child to suck his thumb at all, and worry about how to stop him right away.

What are parents’ choices? If they notice this habit during their child’s early months, they can try to feed more frequently, which may satisfy sucking needs. Otherwise, they can accept thumb-sucking- as a natural habit and try to make the best of it even if they don’t like it, or they can try to force the child to stop. This latter course can have negative consequences for the child, and it is usually unsuccessful because a thumb, unlike a pacifier, can’t be taken away. If the parents pull a child’s thumb out of his mouth, he’ll cry and then most likely will suck his thumb again as soon as he can. As he gets older, if they paint his thumb with one of the foul-tasting commercial products sold to discourage thumb-sucking, he’ll feel helpless and may whine, show increased aggression, or become obstinate.

Since sucking provides comfort, the more pressure parents put on their child to stop, the more attached and dependent on his thumb he may become. Fearing ridicule and feeling vulnerable, he may depend more and more on himself and his thumb for comfort. This is not an attempt to rebel or get back at his parents, although they may see increased thumb-sucking as a sign of stubbornness or “badness”. He has a strong desire to please his parents, but he also has a strong desire to suck his thumb in order to make himself feel better. One four-year-old who knew her parents disapproved of her thumb-sucking hid under a table to suck her thumb. Parents who want their child to stop this habit should try decreasing the pressure they put on him. This, in turn, may eliminate some of his need to soothe himself.

Another drawback to struggling over thumb-sucking is the bad self-image a child can eventually develop when he senses that his parents don’t like what he’s doing. Parents who try to make their child feel bad about his habit (“I don’t like that!”) may end up having him feel bad about himself. Some parents can remember back to their own childhood embarrassment and pain over the issue.

The best thing you can do if your child sucks his thumb is accept the situation and be patient. Try not to discourage him from thumb-sucking, at least through his preschool years when his need may be strongest. Usually by age five or six he’ll stop because his friends have stopped, he no longer has the need, or he’s self-conscious about doing it in public. Certainly, by these ages you and he can come up with a plan and perhaps incentives for stopping, and you can firmly let him know you want him to give up the habit.

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A baby feels calm when her natural sucking instinct is satisfied. Some babies suck their thumbs, some nurse frequently, some suck on fingers or a blanket, and many use pacifiers. When parents first offer a pacifier to their child, they see how tranquil she becomes and how convenient the pacifier is to use. It’s an easy, concrete, accessible way to soothe a crying baby. Parents can offer it in the car, leave it in the crib so their child can suck as she falls asleep, or, as she gets older leave it near her toys so she can use it whenever she wants.

There’s nothing wrong with a pacifier, and a child who uses one is not harmed. Yet, despite growing acceptance, some people believe pacifiers symbolize dependency and immaturity, especially when used by a child past infancy. A parent can easily feel under attack when told, “That thing looks awful hanging out of her mouth”, or “She’s much too old to use a pacifier”.

Parents look to their pediatricians for advice and support on all aspects of child rearing, including pacifier use, but there are pediatricians who oppose pacifiers. One mother never let her child take her pacifier along on doctor visits because the pediatrician disapproved. It was easier for this mother to hide what she did rather than face ridicule or a challenge to her parenting beliefs.

Aside from dealing with outside criticism, many parents have their own doubts. When and how will the child ever give up such a comforting and satisfying object?

Children do give it up. Gradually, and in spite of the strong attachment you may now observe, your child will limit her use of the pacifier to times when she’s tired or feeling stress. By age two, she may wean herself completely from it, or at least let you know, by rejecting it at times or accepting it less often, that she’s ready to stop using it.

However, if you decide to take your child’s pacifier away before she shows a willingness to give it up on her own, do so gradually over several weeks. Be prepared for the possibility that she’ll begin sucking her thumb, blanket, or other object. Offer substitutes such as a glass of juice, extra holding and cuddling, gentle patting on the back, or a new source of comfort such as a stuffed animal or pillow.

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A child clutching a blanket is a familiar sight. Between the ages of six and nine months, many young children become attached to a security object such as a blanket or stuffed animal. The attachment may last until the child is five or older. This is a natural part of development, although not all children pick out a special object, and some choose several soft items to hold on to. A child with a strong attachment may wake up clutching his blanket and hold it as his parents pick him up. He may put the blanket against his face and carry it around with him as he gets older.

To a young child, a blanket or other soft object is a source of comfort. As he moves away from infancy and his close union with his mother, he nurtures and cares for his special object, receiving warmth and comfort in return. He may use his blanket most often during times of transition throughout the day—when he goes to sleep, wakes up, feels tired or hurt, goes for a car trip, visits the doctor, or goes to day care—and during major changes in his life or routine. Such changes can include the birth of a sibling, the beginning of day care or nursery school, or a parent’s absence. Children who are left to cry themselves to sleep or whose dependency needs are not consistently met may become particularly dependent on an object for comfort.

The child’s attachment to his special object may go through different stages. At times he’ll have an intense need for his blanket and will let his parents know that he wants it, even if he can’t yet tell them in words. At other times, during calm periods and as he gets older, he may have less need for the special object.

One child had a strong attachment to a stuffed animal she’d been given when she was a few months old and took the toy everywhere. When she turned four, her attachment began to lessen. First she threw the animal out of her bed, although she quickly retrieved it. Then she began moving it, night by night, into less favorable positions on the bed. Eventually she simply put it away on a shelf.

If your child is attached to a special object, you may find it hard to trust that he’ll ever give it up. You may wonder if you should remove it or wean him away from it, but such actions are unnecessary. As time goes on, his desire for the object will diminish and he’ll give it up on his own. However, you may not see this happen until he’s five, since many four - and five-year-olds keep their objects with them at night as a source of comfort. Interestingly, when parents recognize how strong and long-lasting their child’s attachment is, they sometimes begin to feel protective of the object themselves.

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A baby, until the age of six months or so, usually is content to be held by relatives and family friends. She may even smile and play when her parents place her in someone else’s arms. But between seven and nine months, she’ll begin to resist people other than her parents, and may cry and reach for her parents when someone else tries to hold her. During this stage, she may even feel anxious about her grandparents and familiar baby-sitters.

Such reactions, which are a normal part of a baby’s development, result from her growing awareness of the world. She recognizes her parents as special and different and views them with pleasure. Because she has good feelings about them, she wants to be with them and isn’t as comfortable or trusting with other people.

Also, at this age she believes that something exists only as long as she can see it. When her parents walk out of sight, she feels anxious and cries. When she’s back in their arms, she feels pleasure.

This developmental stage can be difficult for parents because it sometimes causes embarrassment and makes it hard to accept help with childcare. A relative or friend, offering to care for the baby, may feel rejected by the child’s anxious cries. Some adults blame the parents, saying, “You’ve spoiled her by holding her so much!” Or they may try to persuade the baby to come, saying, “I won’t hurt you. You have to get used to other people”.

When your baby enters this developmental stage, remember that anxiety about strangers and separation is normal. It isn’t necessary to force her to go to other people—she’ll soon do that willingly. Just try to meet her needs and have others talk to her and play with her while you hold her. You can explain to people that, while you understand their feelings of frustration and rejection, you know that your child is acting as most children her age do.

During this stage, many babies have trouble separating from their parents at day care or when a baby-sitter comes. Explain the situation to your caregiver and let her know that your baby may need extra holding and comforting. If your child cries as you go, you also may find it hard to separate. Have your caregiver try to distract her. Call shortly after leaving if you’d like to reassure yourself that all is going well.

At times you might be tempted to leave while your baby is distracted and unaware that you’re going. While this eliminates the initial rush of tears, she may react with surprise and fear when she discovers you’ve left. It’s always better to say a quick good-bye.

You’ll know that your child’s fear of strangers and separation is lessening when you see her reach for someone other than you, and when you see her go happily to someone who’s reaching for her. As this stage passes, she’ll once again feel more comfortable and content with others.

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Is a “good” baby one who sleeps a lot and doesn’t cry much? Most people say “yes”, and their answer is understandable. “Good” and “bad” are judgmental terms people often use to describe the behavior and temperament of a baby. A “good” baby is a quiet one, and a “bad” baby is fussy.

Parents often believe that their child is a reflection on them. They want a contented baby who’s easy to care for and who gives them a feeling of success. And many parents feel bad if their baby cries or has colic. Yet, the fussing baby is not “bad” and the quiet one is not “good”. All babies are different. Labeling and judging them for their behavior is inappropriate because they’re only expressing their needs in the best way they can. When they cry and fuss, they’re telling their parents that something’s wrong. They’re tired, hurt, uncomfortable, hungry, wet, scared, or needing to be held.

Labeling babies begins very early. One new mother was told by a maternity nurse that her hungry infant had been crying in the nursery. “What a bad baby you have!” Out in public, a well-meaning person will approach a mother and infant and say, “What a good baby. Is he always like this?” Such a question can put the mother in a bind. Although she may answer “yes”, she may also remember that the previous week he cried all during a shopping trip.

One of the hardest times to deal with a crying infant is at night, when a wakeful baby may truly seem “bad”. If you’ve been giving to your child all day, you may feel drained and resentful when you have to give again at night. You may grit your teeth when awakened at 3 A.M. and feel overwhelmed. But if you can think of your baby as expressing needs rather than being “bad”, you may feel more accepting.

Once you understand that his crying is a kind of communication, you may find yourself responding differently, trying to understand why he cries or why he doesn’t sleep as much as you think he should, or as you would like. And you may also feel less harassed when he fusses in public. It’s easier to be comfortable with him when you no longer feel pressured to have a “good” baby.

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Many new parents are surprised at how much time, attention, and effort childcare involves. When they discover that their baby is naturally demanding and dependent, they sometimes worry about “giving in” to all his needs. If they pick him up when he cries, offer a bottle or breast on demand, or keep him near through the day, will he soon become too dependent? In our society, independence is viewed as a positive trait, and many parents are concerned if their babies seem too attached to people or objects. Yet, when parents fully understand their child’s dependency needs, they can see there’s no need to worry about their baby’s lack of self-sufficiency.

Infants and young children are almost totally dependent on adults; this is a natural and necessary condition of early childhood. It’s normal for babies to want the constant comfort of being cared for, held, fed, changed, loved, and played with and there’s nothing harmful about giving to a young child. A child whose needs are met and who has a strong attachment to his parents develops a foundation of trust that will allow him to gradually become independent.

Some adults feel that it’s never too soon to start teaching a child to become independent: “He’s going to have to learn sometime that he can’t always have his way”. “He has to find out what life is really like”. And some people also believe that giving in to a child’s needs in infancy will make it that much harder to get him to give up his dependencies later on.

Parents who are uneasy about how dependent their young child is may, in an attempt to foster independence, make conscious decisions not to meet all of his needs. They may hesitate to pick him up when he cries, or hold back on cuddling or frequent nursing. They may feel guilty and full of self-doubt whenever they do give more than they think they should.

However, if your baby learns to trust your care and support, he’ll turn into a toddler who explores his surroundings with confidence. And as he grows, his natural drive for independence will begin to show. The ten-month-old will want to feed himself, the two-year-old will cry out, “I’ll do it myself”, the three-year-old will feel good going off on his tricycle, and the five-year-old will happily spend time with his friends.

Your young child will always have a strong need to be cared for, of course, but as he gets older, he’ll become more and more independent, and you’ll spend less time giving. Although there will be times when he temporarily becomes more dependent - when he enters preschool, when the family moves, when a sibling is born - if his early dependency needs have been met, he’ll move into the world with a greater sense of trust and confidence.