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Trying to clean up after young children is an endless task. They pull toys out of closets, drawers, and shelves, and when they’re done playing with one thing; they drop it on the floor and get out something new. They also take pots and pans out of cabinets, unroll toilet paper, and leave clothes and shoes lying around. In just a short time, a young child can create a mess.

Some of this can be explained. Young children’s interests shift quickly from one object to another, so even a brief play period may result in a big pile of toys. And because they like to play wherever their parents are, they carry (and leave) toys all over the house. Taking toys out is fun, but picking them up is not.

That job usually is left for parents, and the daily process of putting things away can be both demanding and unrewarding. Many parents want or expect help from their children, but until children reach early elementary age, parents get little relief. That’s because young children don’t think about cleaning up in the same way that adults do. Children are truly unaware of the tasks they leave for their parents.

All parents must decide whether to constantly clean up after their children or let the cleaning go at times so the family can accomplish other things. Of course some adults care more about neatness than others. And some parents fear letting things get too messy because of unexpected visitors or the prospect of large-scale cleanups. Parents who work outside the home may feel a particular desire for a neat house because their cleanup time is so limited.

Although everyone would like help in maintaining a clean home, parents who pressure their young children to clean up actually may stifle the exploration and play that are a necessary part of childhood. For example, a child who always is expected to put her blocks away eventually may lose interest in using the blocks or may decide it’s easier to simply watch TV. Also, those parents who feel compelled to establish early patterns of cleaning up may find the process frustrating and time-consuming. They usually have to stand over their young children and coach them through the entire chore. The effort expended in such supervising is often greater than the effort of cleaning up without the help.

Although straightening up after young children remains an adult task, there are ways you can involve your child. Your two and one-half-or three-year-old can put a few toys back in place, particularly if you do the job with her or if you hand her the toys and tell her where they go. Your four- or five-year-old can take a more active role in straightening up, although she will still be most successful when you’re close by helping.

Your child may be willing to cooperate in cleanups if you give her some warning: “In five minutes it will be time to put the toys away.” If your child seems overwhelmed, help her focus by giving specific instructions: “Jesse, you’re in charge of putting the puzzles and books away.” Sometimes she will go along with you if you offer concrete choices: “You can either put the trucks back on the shelf or put the toy soldiers in this basket”. And when several children are playing together you can ask, “Who’s going to put the crayons away? Who will clean up the train set?”

If your child spends time in day care, strike a balance between your child’s desire to play freely when she’s home and your desire to keep cleanup to a minimum. Most evenings let her play with her toys, and some evenings structure her play so she takes out only a few things such as dolls or a game to use in a specific place.

If your children resist putting their toys away, there are many other household jobs they may actually enjoy doing. These include dusting, washing windows, vacuuming, putting utensils away, or polishing silver. As they get older, they will take on more responsibility for putting their things away. In the meantime, your young children may occasionally surprise you with an unexpected cleanup, done just to help you out and make you happy.

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“If you...then you can...” It’s a familiar pattern heard when parents try to persuade their child to do something; “If you come with me now, we’ll stop at the park.” “If you put your toys away, you can stay up fifteen minutes later tonight.” There are always family struggles about the routines and necessities of life: bedtime, bath time, shopping, leaving a friend’s house, getting dressed, and getting ready for school or day care. When logic fails (as it will) and a young child refuses to do what his parents wish, they often resort to bribing.

In theory, most parents are opposed to bribes. They want their children to cooperate and learn to tolerate frustration, and they don’t want their children to expect rewards for good behavior. But it takes years for a child to learn self-control and to understand that certain things have to be done, even when people don’t want to do them. Until he can motivate himself to do necessary tasks, bribery has its uses, and parents will find that an occasional bribe is a strong motivator. But they should be careful not to overuse bribes, or children will look for constant rewards.

One mother could not get her son to leave his friend’s house, even though it was time for dinner. Finally she said, “If you come home now, you can paint with watercolors after dinner.” After hearing this, the boy agreed to leave. Another mother wanted to have her child come and play indoors, but he resisted. However, when she said, “Let’s go in and I’ll play a game with you, and then we’ll have a cookie,” the child came in. Incentives such as these can distract or redirect a child, and often eliminate struggles.

Bribes also can be used to avoid embarrassment. When parents are out in public, they may offer a bribe rather than face a tantrum. When parents go shopping with their child, they may give him a cookie or toy to gain his cooperation and make the shopping trip go smoothly.

You may be worried that once you offer a bribe in a situation your child will expect one whenever a similar situation comes up. But this is rarely a problem, since children can accept compromise and a degree of inconsistency. If you bribed your child to go grocery shopping with you last, week, but don’t, want to offer a bribe this week, let him know ahead of time “Last time I bought you gum, but today I’m not buying a treat.” When you get to the store, remind him of your warning, if necessary, and try to distract him: “I like to bring you to the store so you can help pick out food for dinner.” If you’re firm and allow occasional rewards and compromises, he usually will cooperate.

Sometimes, a way to eliminate the need for frequent bribes is to give your child plenty of warning when you want him to switch activities or go along with you cooperatively. If he’s engrossed in play, tell him, “We need to go to the post office this afternoon.” Then remind him ten minutes before you’re ready to leave so he can bring his game to a pleasant, slow close. That way, he won’t have to abruptly stop what he’s doing in order to do what you want. And the chances are good that he’ll come along peacefully, without needing a bribe.

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During infancy, children find satisfaction in sucking and biting. Until about eighteen months of age, they bite and chew on toys, household objects, and other things they find in their explorations.

Sometimes a baby will bite other people, especially when her gums are sore from teething. Although such a bite can be painful, parents should remember that she is not intentionally trying to hurt. Occasionally, a very young child may bite her mother during nursing. Mothers may be so alarmed at this that they wonder if they should start weaning, but such a drastic step isn’t necessary. If the mother takes the breast away from her biting child and says “no” firmly, the child will learn quickly.

An infant’s innocent biting is very different from the deliberate, frustrated biting of a two-year-old. Sometimes a toddler’s anger cannot be expressed through words, and she impulsively bites. Parents of toddlers who bite don’t often feet understanding and accepting about the problem—and rightly so. When a child bites, parents should set firm limits, saying, “I don’t want you biting anyone,” “I know you’re really angry, but you can’t bite”, “You’ll have to find another way to let me know you’re angry”, or simply, “I won’t let you bite”. Letting her know immediately and firmly that biting is unacceptable is important.

If talking doesn’t solve the problem, parents of a biting toddler or preschooler should move off a distance from their child, letting her know with a quiet but firm tone that they’re angry with her and don’t want to be near her when she bites. Parents also can sit her on a step or in her room for a short while. Since children often change their behavior in order to please their parents, some children will stop biting so they can feel accepted again.

Occasionally you may be tempted to cure your child’s biting habit by biting her back to “show her what it feels like”. But biting a child back is wrong. First, you give a mixed message: you tell her not to bite, but then do it yourself. Second, she can’t put herself in another person’s place and doesn’t understand that the pain she feels from a bite is the same pain that she inflicts. You can teach appropriate behavior best by setting limits, being a good model for your child, and reminding her how to act in socially acceptable ways.

If she continually bites, she’s probably troubled by something deeper than momentary frustration. In such a case, admonitions and firm limits usually won’t work. Since biting is a sign of anger, frustration, and aggression, try to discover the cause of her behavior. Perhaps there is stress in the family or not enough attention for her at home. If you can’t find the cause of continued biting, seek advice from your pediatrician or mental health professional who can explore possible areas of tension in the family.

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Parents often can be heard telling their young child to act more mature: “You’re a big boy now, so you should use the toilet”, or, “You’re too big to make such a mess”. Parents use “big boy” as a discipline tool and as a way to change their child’s behavior, either by appealing to his desire to do what older children do or by shaming him with a comparison to younger children.

The problem with urging him to be a “big boy” is that the child, who already wants to act older and more capable, feels pressure from his parents to change and do things he may not be able to do. When he can’t act like a “big boy”, he may feel bad about parts of himself that he usually can’t control and about not being able to please his parents. In a public restroom, a mother changed her son’s diaper while telling him, “You’re a big boy now. You’re too old for diapers”. He looked ashamed. Yet, if he had been ready to use the toilet, he would have given up diapers on his own. Exhortations to be “bigger” won’t help him—they’ll only make him feel bad about himself.

In a similar situation, a woman took her grandson to a toy store and asked him to pick something out. When he chose a stuffed animals, she said, “Oh, no. Not that. You’re too big to want that”. When adults say such things, they tell a child that his feelings and desires are unacceptable, and that he should be acting differently.

If you think your child is not as “big” as he should be, try to understand why. He might use baby talk or play with a younger child’s toys because of a new sibling or the start of nursery school. And since each child develops at his own pace, your child may just not be ready for the behavior changes you’d like to see. By temperament, he may be a child who cries more than other children or who needs more closeness and security. Also, children struggle as they grow, and for every step forward, there’s usually a short step backward to earlier behavior.

All children have a strong drive to be independent and imitate older people. If you accept your child as he is and wait patiently without pressuring him, you will see him begin to act “bigger” on his own.

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To many people, praise seems like a wonderful tool to use with children. Praise helps them feel good about themselves and motivates them to do what pleases their parents. Yet too much praise, even when delivered with the best of intentions, can have a negative impact.

A young child has strong inner drives to accomplish things for her-self and to succeed at many tasks. She’s excited about learning, motivated to try new things, and eager to imitate adults. Parents can tell how proud their child is when she says, “Look, I got my shirt on by myself,” or, “I know how to count to ten.” Her reward for these achievements is her own sense of accomplishment.

When parents offer moderate praise for these achievements and reflect their child’s own excitement (“I can see how happy you are.”) the child knows that her parents are pleased. But when parents offer excessive praise (“Great job!” “I’m so proud of you!”), especially for everyday aspects of life such as toilet use or eating, the child may begin to expect such praise for everything she does. Eventually she may try to achieve not for internal satisfaction, but for the reward of praise, and her feelings of accomplishment may become of secondary importance. She may think, “I’ll tie my shoe because Morn will think it’s great.”

A child who is praised for every achievement may begin to distrust the praise and her own abilities. Is everything she does really that good? Or is anything she does really well at all? She may become dependent on praise and may not believe she has done something worthwhile unless she hears lavish compliments. Excessive praise can put pressure on her, too. When she’s praised so heavily for doing well, she may feel she has to continue achieving or she will lose the praise and attention. Many parents will understand these negative effects if they consider how dependent they, as adults, are on external praise and rewards.

It is fine to praise your child, and you certainly want to let her know that you feel good about her. But give praise in moderation and try to encourage her to feel good about her own abilities. Focus on her desire to do things for herself, and praise her by speaking more about her feelings than your own: “You really felt good about climbing that jungle gym, didn’t you?” By responding that way, you recognize her pride in her success. You also can praise her effectively in nonverbal ways. A hug, a smile, a look of approval all communicates your good feelings about her.

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Parents often wonder how important it is to be consistent when setting limits. Should they stick with a rule in order to help their child learn what’s expected of him? Does consistency teach the child that he can’t always have his way? Will bending the rules harm him or cause parents to lose control?

When parents are consistent, they provide their child with a sense of what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. And in some areas, such as vital safety rules, consistency is essential. Yet, if parents tried to unfailingly enforce every rule they set, they’d spend all of their time saying, “No, don’t do that,” and, “No, you can’t have that.” Virtually every parent makes exceptions to the rules, depending on circumstance and personality. Some parents are quite flexible, others generally inflexible. Yet, they all find themselves at some point saying, “No, not today,” then changing that to, “Maybe,” and finally saying, “OK.”

One father took his daughter to a convenience store. The girl said, “I want a Coke,” but her father replied, “I’m only going in this store for milk and eggs.” The girl said, “But I want one Coke for me.” The father said, “I’m not buying you a Coke, but I’II give you a drink when we get home.” Minutes later the father and daughter walked out of the store. The father held his bag of eggs and milk and his daughter walked out with a Coke-with a straw in it.

Parents often fear that when they give in, their child will expect the same response the next time a similar situation arises. But as long as parents are generally firm about discipline, they can make exceptions and still stay in control. When they show some flexibility, they let their child know that his desires are important, and that life is not too rigid. He learns that sometimes people get what they want, and sometimes they don’t, and he learns what compromise feels like. And he has the experience of occasionally winning a struggle with his parents.

You probably find that time, place, and mood influence our decision to stick to a rule or give in. Sometimes you feel tolerant, and other times you’re impatient and tired. In public, you don’t want to be embarrassed by your child’s behavior. You may be especially likely to give in when you need to distract him because you’re working or you are on the phone.

One mother would not generally let her son mix spices and water together in a bowl as he had done with great enjoyment at a friend’s house. But he learned a way around the prohibition. Whenever his mother took a business call, he would start getting spices off the shelf, usually with his mother’s reluctant help. She needed to keep him quiet when she was on the phone, and gave in.

If you’re concerned about consistency, consider your overall relationship with your child. If you generally give the message that he is loved, cared for, and accepted, and that you have basic, firm expectations about how he should behave, you don’t have to worry about incidental exceptions you make. Being reasonably consistent is good enough. After all, you can’t enforce a set of rules at all times. Flexibility is an important part of life, and give and take is an important part of parenting.

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Parents may spank their child in anger or frustration or when they don’t know how else to get their point across. Some parents believe that spanking is the only way to teach children to listen and behave well. Yet, spanking is not necessary; there are other, more effective ways to get children to change their behavior.

In our society, spanking is still a widely accepted method of discipline. Although many parents defend spanking by saying, “I was spanked and I turned out OK,” or, “It’s the only way to get the message across,” others feel guilty, defensive, and embarrassed about hitting their children: “I know I shouldn’t have spanked him, but...” They often wince when seeing a child spanked in public and wonder, “Is that what I do to my child?” Some parents feel guilty after spanking and want to follow up with a hug or an apology to assure themselves they haven’t lost their child’s love. Still other parents say that, though they spank, they really don’t believe spanking changes their child’s negative behavior. Even those parents who strongly believe in the effectiveness of spanking say it usually only temporarily stops inappropriate behavior.

There are problems with spanking. One is that a child will imitate what her parents do. If they hit her in order to change her behavior, shouldn’t she also hit when someone does something she doesn’t like? Can they fairly tell her not to hit when they discipline her spanking?

Spanking can be a particular problem with a child under two and one-half, who often doesn’t understand ahead of time that an action is wrong. She may touch a glass vase because she thinks it’s beautiful. If she’s suddenly spanked, she won’t easily see that she has done something inappropriate, but rather will focus on the pain and shock of the spanking. It’s very difficult for a child this age to make a connection between her own behavior and a spanking, yet one of the goals of discipline is to have children make those connections.

Spanking a child who is over three or four may actually hinder discipline. Parents hope their child will eventually develop self-discipline and a sense of right and wrong. As she grows older, she should begin to feel bad about her unacceptable behavior, and her gradual emerging sense of guilt should start to keep her from misbehaving as frequently. But when she is spanked for her wrongdoings, she doesn’t learn to monitor her own behavior. She may learn instead that as long as she doesn’t get caught, she can misbehave. And if she does get caught, any guilt feelings she has will be relieved by the spanking, since she has “paid the consequences.” Eventually, she will learn that if she can tolerate the spanking, she no longer has to feel bad about her negative actions or try to alter her behavior. Even when parents explain to the child why they have spanked her and how they want her to change, she may be too angry or humiliated at the time of the spanking to listen and learn.

Discipline works best when parents set firm limits verbally and then follow through by removing their child from the scene of her misbehavior, taking away an object or privilege she’s abused, or having her spend time alone until she can change her behavior. When punishment is relevant to the inappropriate behavior—when the child who throws a block has to stop playing with the blocks—she can make the connection between her actions and its consequences. Until children develop self-control, they are motivated best by the desire for parental approval and the fear of losing privileges and toys.

Even a child under two can make a connection when she’s given a firm “no” and removed from a dangerous situation. Parents often feel that they must spank their young child to teach her critical safety rules such as not to play in the street. But firm and consistent warnings, frequent reminders, and most importantly, close supervision are effective in keeping children out of danger.

Sometimes parents say, “When I tell my child to stop, she ignores me, but when I spank her, she does what I want.” One mother who was browsing in a department store with her three-year-old became angry when he tried to investigate the dressing rooms. She repeatedly warned him not to go near them and then spanked him for not listening. He cried, turned around in circles several times, and looked defeated. The situation is a familiar one, yet the mother had other options that would have left her and her child feeling happier. Since young children have a hard time listening to limits when they have an intense need to explore, the mother could have acknowledged her child’s interest and even taken a moment to look into the dressing room with him. This might have made it easier for him to do what she wanted. Or she could have gently but firmly told him there was no time to explore that day. She also could have tried to distract him or to carry him away from the area of the dressing room.

Because children’s behavior can be so frustrating, parents sometimes find themselves on the verge of “losing it” and may feel ready to hit or spank their child. At such times, it’s important to remember that young children have only a limited ability to integrate rules.

Disciplining children is a complex, gradual task. Your young child needs to be reminded of the limits over and over, and you will have to be patient as she slowly learns self-discipline. If you spank her, she will feel defenseless, humiliated, and angry, and may not understand the connection between what she did and what you are doing to her. It takes a lot of self-control not to spank and to trust that she can still learn appropriate behavior. If, instead of spanking your child, you set firm limits and follow through in relevant way, she will be able to listen to you without feeling vulnerable and defeated.

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“I want this now!” shouts a two-year-old, pulling candy off a grocery shelf.

“Not today,” says his mother.

“Yes, I want candy!”

When his mother again refuses, the child responds with a full-fledged temper tantrum: screaming, crying, thrashing, and kicking. Tantrums like this are hard to watch, they are embarrassing, and they can make parents feel helpless.

Why do children have tantrums? At times, the child is simply overtired or hungry. Most often, however, the answers are rooted in developmental characteristics. Children have very little self-control; they live in the here and now and act on their immediate desires. When Parents respond to a child’s wishes by saying “no,” he reacts negatively sometimes sensing rejection. Young children lack the ability to think logically and follow adult reasoning. A child will probably not understand why his parents deny one of his wishes, even, though their explanations may make perfect sense to them. Another reason for temper tantrums, particularly with preverbal toddlers, is the young child’s inability to express his needs and wants fully. When his parents can’t understand him, he becomes easily frustrated.

If you’re concerned about temper tantrums, there are a number of approaches you can try, including prevention. Since you know your child’s wants, you can guess which situations are likely to cause tantrums and plan ahead for these times. For example, when you anticipate a struggle at the candy counter or when shopping at a mall, carry a few small toys, some juice, or crackers with you. If the situation becomes tense, use these to distract your child. You also can set limits for your three- or four-year-old before you leave the house: “We’re only looking today,” or, “Remember, I’m only buying you one thing.” Try to be sure he understands the limits, but remember it’s hard for him to “only look” and not buy.

There’s another technique that may prevent a tantrum: compromise. You can tell your child, “I won’t buy candy, but I will buy you a pretzel.” This and the other prevention methods sometimes work well, but at times he may have a temper tantrum in spite of your efforts. If this happens, you’ll have to decide how to respond. Most likely your reaction will vary with the situation, depending on where you are and whom you’re with. But your choices will be the same-you can meet your child’s demand, distract him, or let him have the tantrum.

You may choose to meet his demand because you realize that it’s not so unreasonable after all. Perhaps you were being too rigid when you first rejected his request. Or perhaps you feel that saying “no” is not worth the struggle or tantrum.

If you don’t give in to your child, you may try distracting him. Remind him about a recent pleasurable experience, point out something interesting, or talk about something good that will happen soon ‘you may be surprised at how effective distraction can be in defusing a conflict.

Finally, you may choose to let the tantrum run its course. Although coping can be hard, if you wait calmly, your child will soon quiet down. Just be sure he’s safe during his tantrum and unable to harm himself or others or cause any damage.

Tantrums are difficult for you and your young child. But as he grows older he’ll gain more understanding and you’ll find it easier to set limits. Once he outgrows that urgent need to have everything now, there will be far fewer tantrums to struggle with.

Parents often feel they spend a great part of each day disciplining their young children: “Don’t use the toy that way-you might hurt someone,” “No hitting,” “Leave the dog alone,” “You have to come in now,” “That’s too loud.” Setting limits for young children can be difficult, complex, and time-consuming, but it’s essential. Parents have to teach their child acceptable behavior while controlling or changing unacceptable behavior until she’s old enough to exert some self-control and understand why rules are important. In order to handle this task effectively, parents need information about their child’s egocentric development plus realistic expectations, empathy, patience, love, and respect for their child.

Disciplining young children is an extremely important part of parenting, yet there are parents who don’t set adequate limits. Some feel overwhelmed by their child’s behavior and may not know where to start. Other parents just don’t think about the importance of setting limits or leave the job to neighbors, friends, relatives, and most commonly, teachers. Probably the major reason parents fail to discipline their child is because they fear her anger and the loss of her love. Rather than face rejection, they ignore unacceptable behavior, give in, or rationalize, “Kids will be kids.” But setting consistent limits is one of the major responsibilities of parenting and is not a job that should be ignored or put off.

Many parents doubt their ability: “Am I too strict or too lenient? Do I expect too much?” Parents are embarrassed by their child’s misbehavior in public and wonder what they’ve done wrong or why she seems worse than others. Since a child’s behavior is often a reflection on her parents, they feel vulnerable and judged by others when their child acts inappropriately; such feelings are normal. Yet, parents should realize that misbehavior is a basic art of childhood. A child learns what is correct by trying all sorts of behavior, “good” and “bad,” until she finds out what is and isn’t acceptable.

Parents should base their expectations and methods of disciplining on their child’s age and ability to understand. A child under two needs constant watching and reminding, while a four- or five-year-old is developing enough self-control and understanding to have some sense of right and wrong. Methods that work with older children, such as telling a child to spend “time out,” or spelling out the consequences of her misbehavior, are ineffective with younger children who do not understand or have trouble remembering the rules.

Children three and younger have such strong developmental needs to explore, touch, and do things for themselves that they have difficulty sticking to limits. Because their immediate needs are so great and because they focus so completely on the here and now, they usually don’t realize they’re doing something wrong, even if they’ve been told many times. When reprimanded, children this age often will look surprised and hurt.

In order to set limits, parents (or caregivers) have to stay fairly close by, offer frequent reminders, get involved with the child, and always be aware of what she’s doing. When children are not supervised, they lose sight of acceptable and unacceptable behavior. If a child is playing inappropriately, her parents have to be right there, gently but firmly correcting her: “No, you can’t play that way-it’s too dangerous.” If talking doesn’t work, parents should remove her from the situation and then involve her in something else. “I’m not going to let you climb over that chair because you might fall, but you can play here on the cushions.” Sometimes offering an alternative works because children can be easily distracted by interesting objects and activities. Connecting a restriction to an activity also works because a Young child can understand the relationship: “If you want to ride your bike, you have to stay in front of the house,” “If you want to play outside, you have to keep your jacket on.”

Children three and under often reject limits and say “no,” not only because they want to continue their activities, but because they are asserting their independence and learning what they can do. And sometimes parents set limits unnecessarily because they underestimate what a young child can do. A three-year-old who wanted to hold a ‘screwdriver was told, “No, it’s too sharp.” But when she protested, her father decided to let her try as long as she sat at a table next to him so he could supervise. She was happy, and her father realized that he could relax some of the limitations he’d set.

Usually, though, parents know how they want their child to act. When she misbehaves, parents may feel angry and momentarily withdraw their love and attention. Since a young child wants parental approval, she feels hurt when she’s criticized for doing something wrong. She can’t separate her action from herself and feels that she’s being rejected for who she is, not for what she has done. The removal of parental acceptance often motivates a two- or three-year-old to change her behavior and to run to her parents for a hug after she’s been disciplined.

A four- or five-year-old may not react this way. After being disciplined, her hurt feelings and embarrassment might turn to anger and resistance, and she may test her own power and her parents’ limits. Yet, she too wants to be loved and accepted, and finds parental approval a strong motivator.

Verbal limit-setting and distraction work with four- and five-year-olds, but since they have a better understanding of consequences than younger children do, they also respond to other methods of disciplining. When a four- or five-year-old becomes angry and aggressive, her parents can try to distract her. If she doesn’t calm down, they should firmly say, “Your behavior is unacceptable. If you keep acting this way you’ll spend time in your room.” If parents have to follow through on this, they can tell their child she can come out of her room as soon as she is in control of herself.

It’s better, in such a situation, to let her determine the amount of time she’ll spend in her room. When parents set a limit, but not a time limit, the cooling off period lasts only as long as is necessary for her to calm down. If instead parents dictate a waiting period of twenty minutes or half an hour, she may calm down and then forget why she was sent to her room as she involves herself with her toys and books. Even fifteen minutes of isolation is a long time unless the choice to stay ay is the child’s. The point of taking time out is not to spend time away from the family, but to change unacceptable behavior. However, if the child abuses the right to set her own time-out period or if her behavior remains unchanged, her parents should set a time limit themselves.

Many times, parents punish four- and five-year olds by taking away toys or privileges. This can be most effective when there’s a connection between the misbehavior and what’s taken away. For instance, if a child uses her bike in a dangerous way, an appropriate consequence would be to have her give up the bike temporarily. A child who continually throws sand would lose the privilege of playing in the sandbox for an afternoon. Before taking something away, parents should warn their child about what will happen if she continues to misbehave. The object or privilege should not be removed for an excessively long time or she’ll concentrate only on the unfairness of the situation, not on her misbehavior. The point of this punishment is to help her see a connection between, for instance, abusing the bike and losing the bike. Often the warning that there will be consequences is enough to deter a child from misbehaving again.

However, it’s not always possible to find a connection. If a child hits her brother, what should her parents take away? Parents sometimes remove something unrelated, such as a toy, privilege, or dessert. Although it’s unwise to make dessert a focus of power, many parents find that their child changes her behavior when threatened with the loss of sweets for a meal. She does this not because she understands her parents’ point but because she wants to avoid the punishment.

When taking something away, or using any other form of discipline, parents should be sure the consequences come soon after the misbehavior. This gives the child a chance to connect her actions with their consequences, and it ensures that parents will follow through. Often, when parents tell a child in the morning that she’ll be punished in the evening, she knows that they may forget or change their minds.

One mother, eating lunch in a fast food restaurant with her five-year-old, said, “If you keep misbehaving you’re going to bed at 7:00 tonight.” When the child continued acting up the mother said, “All right. Now you’re going to bed at 6:30.” The punishment seemed so far away and so drastic to the child that she felt helpless and continued misbehaving. Instead of making a distant threat, the mother could have tried distracting her daughter or telling her she would have to move to the next table, or warning her they’d have to leave the restaurant. Then the child could have made the connection between her behavior and the consequences.

A disciplining method that some parents find successful with three- to five-year-olds is counting: “By the time I count to five, I want you indoors,” or, “I’ll count to ten while you get ready for your bath.” This usually offers a limit, a warning, and a bit of time, although if the technique is overused it becomes ineffective.

An important element of disciplining a child of any age is the tone of voice parent’s use. When they sound firm and sure of themselves, children often respond well, but when parents are unsure about what limits to impose, their children get mixed messages. The most effective tone is respectful but firm. Parents should begin setting a limit by speaking in a quiet, polite, firm voice. If that doesn’t work, they can assert themselves more forcefully and speak in an authoritative voice. But yelling at a child is not as effective as firmly stating a limit (although it’s often difficult to keep from yelling). It’s sometimes helpful to stand close to a child, quietly repeating a warning or prohibition.

When disciplining a child, parents should always consider their own anger. Sometimes, when bothered by personal problems, parents may overreact to their child’s behavior. They should let their four- or five-year-old know when they are in a bad mood and at some point apologize if they’ve been unreasonably mad. When they feel out of control and unable to deal with their anger, they should spend some time in a separate room away from their child until they calm down.

Parents should not be too forceful and harsh when disciplining their child. If the child always loses, or is always given negative feedback and doesn’t feel accepted, what incentive does she have to behave well? Parents who are too hard on their child only encourage her anger and aggression while causing her to feel bad about herself.

It may be helpful for parents to remember their own feelings as children. Were they disciplined harshly? Do they want their child to know the same anger and frustration they once experienced? Parents who felt unfairly disciplined often say they won’t treat their child the same way, but in moments of anger, it takes a great deal of patience to deal with misbehavior in appropriate ways.

Remember that children learn not just from your words, but from your actions. If you treat your child with kindness and respect and show that you value her, she’ll model her behavior after yours. When children feel good, they usually behave nicely and have an easier time accepting the limits you impose. And when children are treated courteously, they learn what courteous behavior is. It’s as important to praise and encourage your child when you’re pleased with her as it is to set limits when you’re unhappy.

It takes time and patience to help children learn self-discipline. Distinguishing right from wrong is a gradual process, and children these ages don’t yet have the necessary reasoning skills. If you have tried everything you can and your child still acts inappropriately at an age when she should have learned a fair amount of control see if something is disturbing your family relationship. The birth of a baby, a move, family illness, or divorce can cause behavior problems. Perhaps you’re spending too much time away from your child. If discipline problems caused by such circumstances persist, consider seeking professional advice on how to help your child.

Children want to try doing many things for themselves. An eighteen-month-old wants to push buttons, put a key in the keyhole, walk down the steps, and get his own vitamin. A two-year-old wants to take the wrapper off his candy and fasten his seat belt, while a three-year-old wants to work the computer and pour his own juice. Sometimes children are successful at the tasks they choose for themselves, and at other times they struggle in frustration because they lack skills and dexterity. Still, the drive to do for themselves is very strong.

Parents who respect their child’s desire to do things for himself help him develop a strong sense of autonomy. Since his self-image is partly determined by the way his parents respond to his desire for independence, he’ll feel good about himself when he’s allowed to tackle jobs on his own. On the other hand, if his parents discourage him too often, he’ll begin to doubt his own abilities.

In general, parents should let their child at least start a task he’s interested in. If he’s unsuccessful, they can offer guidance, and if he’s unable to follow their suggestions they can then offer to do the job for him. Parents often jump in too soon because they find it difficult to watch their child struggle with a task. They naturally want to help, but often he doesn’t want help. If they find it too hard to stay uninvolved, they should occupy themselves with something else while he works.

Sometimes parents will not be able to let their child do a task for himself. One family, for example, was about to go home after seeing a circus when their two-year-old insisted on tying his own shoe. As they tried to help him and hurry him along, he became angry and frustrated, and nearby families stopped to watch the struggle. The parents finally solved the problem by telling their son he could carry his shoe out and tie it himself in the car, but often such conflicts are not easily resolved.

Despite the best intentions, parents may find themselves in an embarrassing situation, carrying away a screaming, angry child who wants to stay put until he’s finished a task. Such times are difficult for parents, who feel judged by others and frustrated by their child’s actions. Yet, he doesn’t understand his parents’ feelings, and often will focus only on his own needs unless he’s distracted.

Sometimes parents don’t want him to do a job for himself because they don’t want to deal with the mess that will result, or because they’re in a hurry. But when they say, “Let me do that for you,” they may be in for arguments, struggles, or temper tantrums.

To minimize such resistance, warn your child ahead of time if there won’t be time for him to dress himself or do some other task. “We’re in a hurry today, so I’m going to help you.” Try to distract him: “Why don’t you look at this book while I put your shoes on?” “Let me tell you a story while I get your breakfast ready.”

If a task your child wants to try is too difficult or messy, break it into steps and let him try a small part of the job. If he can’t yet brush his teeth, let him hold the toothbrush while you put the toothpaste on, and let him hold your hand as you brush. He will feel pleased to participate, and in time, step by step, he’ll take over the job for himself.

Being patient with children at this stage is difficult because patience, distraction, and preparation don’t necessarily work-your child will angrily demand to do something for himself when you don’t want him to or when he is incapable of doing the job. Still, the more he is allowed to try on his own, the less likely he is to argue when you have to take over a task. And as you see how pleased he is with his accomplishments and how good he feels about his abilities, you will understand why it is important to let him do many things for himself.

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The transition from diapers to toilet use is an important one in a child’s development. If parents are patient and non-pressuring as their child learns to use the toilet, the family will get through this stage easily. But if they try to force toilet-training, this stage may cause a lot of anger and unhappiness.

Parents often initiate early toilet-training because they feel a great deal of pressure. Nursery schools and day care centers want children to be trained, and friends and relatives offer criticism: “You were trained at two! What's wrong with your child?” “You really should start toilet-training him.” There’s often competition among parents to see who has the youngest toilet-trained child, as though toilet-training were a race. Many people mistakenly feel that the faster a child develops (and the sooner he’s toilet-trained), the smarter or better he is.

Aside from starting toilet-training in response to pressure, many parents start because they don’t believe their child will acquire the skill on his own. Although they have seen their child learn to crawl, walk, and talk, they find it hard to trust that he’ll also use the toilet when he’s ready.

Children can train themselves, but the ages at which they’re able to do so vary since in this, as in all areas of development, some children are ready sooner than others. Between two and three, most gain enough bladder and bowel control to be able to use the toilet on their own, although some don’t use the toilet until they are three and one-half. Emotional factors such as the birth of a sibling, a move, or a mother going back to work can delay a child’s readiness.

Often, children show an interest in the toilet at eighteen months, but parents should not take this as a sign that a child is ready for toilet training. At this age, a child’s body is not mature enough and any toilet use will be controlled by his parents. He’s just temporarily interested in flushing the toilet, tearing toilet paper, and imitating the other members of his family. Some children under two are afraid of the toilet. It’s large, and they fear they’ll fall in or be flushed down and disappear. A small potty seat is less frightening, but many children won’t use one, insisting on the same toilet the rest of the family uses.

If parents initiate toilet-training before their child is ready, the whole family may suffer. Parents use up a great deal of energy putting him on the toilet every twenty minutes, constantly praising or scolding him, doing the extra laundry and cleanup that results from frequent accidents, and working out reward systems using candy or stars to motivate their child. It’s particularly difficult for parents to handle the resistance of a two-year-old who reacts negatively to any parental pressure or suggestions. At that age, a child strives for autonomy and wants to assert himself and take charge of all aspects of his life: “I can do it myself!” Certainly there are some children who are easily trained by their parents, and other children who quickly learn to use the toilet because they temporarily fear losing their parents’ love and acceptance. But most are not successfully trained if their parents start too soon.

Often, all of the efforts backfire, and the child becomes strongly opposed to using the toilet. This situation can develop because he has been over-praised for toilet use. Once he sees how important the issue is to his parents and how happy they are when he goes to the bathroom, he may realize on some level how unhappy he can make them by not going. This may become his weapon in power struggles.

Toilet-training efforts also can backfire because he has been pressed too hard to be “a big boy.” Sometimes he feels so anxious about disappointing his parents that he won’t even try using the toilet for fear of failure. Finally, a child who doesn’t like to be pushed and controlled might try to exert his own power by rejecting his parents’ suggestions. Rather than use the toilet, he might become constipated or else urinate or have a bowel movement as soon as he’s taken off the toilet, soiling the floor or his pants. If parents feel they must initiate toilet-training, they should hold off until he’s three and make sure training doesn’t interfere with other developmental changes.

The best approach is simply to wait until the child is ready to start on his own. Children have an innate drive to grow and develop a strong desire to imitate and please their parents, and determination to do things for themselves. All of these urges will come together if he’s not pressured to use the toilet before he’s physically and emotionally ready. It takes a great deal of patience and confidence in your child to wait. But eventually he will let you know that he wants to use the toilet. Offer support and help: “Would you like me to turn on the light? Can I help you with your pants?” You can give simple acknowledgment of what he’s done, or you might want to reflect back to him his own pleasure and pride.

Once he’s initiated toilet use, he’ll quickly give up diapers. However, even past four years old, he’ll occasionally have accidents because of stress or he’ll forget to get to a bathroom on time because he will be too busy playing. As long as you haven’t excessively praised him or shamed him for his previous toilet use and accidents, he won’t feel too bad when he wets.

Your attitudes towards toilet-training determine, in large part, how successful this phase of your child’s development will be. If you anticipate struggles, you’ll probably have them. But if you’re relaxed and willing to let your child set the pace, you and he will have an easier time.

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One of the first tasks most children try is getting dressed on their own. They feel proud and excited when they dress themselves, and they look to their parents for approval.

There’s no need to try convincing or teaching a young child to dress herself because most children express an interest in the activity on their own. First, a child will learn to take off her shoes, socks, and pants, since children are able to take their clothes off before they can put them on. By age three, she may want to do most of her own dressing (excluding snaps and buttons), although her clothes will often be inside out or backwards. By the time she’s four or five, she’ll be able to dress completely with little help.

When your child begins dressing herself, she may be frustrated by zippers, snaps, buttons, and shirts with small neck openings. Even though she can’t master these, she may insist on trying-a situation that often leads to anger and tantrums. You might want to avoid difficult clothes and buy pull-on pants and tops until she’s ready to use fasteners.

As she learns to dress herself, she may want to practice her new skills by changing her clothes several times a day, creating great piles of clothing to clean up or launder. She also may want to choose her own clothes, sometimes picking the same easy-to-put-on outfit over and over, or choosing clothes that don’t fit well, don’t match, or are inappropriate for the weather or the occasion. As long as you’re staying inside, there’s no need to make an issue out of how she looks. But at times when you want her to look nice, you may end up struggling over her choices.

You can eliminate some of the problem by laying out two outfits and letting her choose one to wear, or by putting in her drawers only those clothes that fit and are suitable for the season. Another possibility is to fill one drawer with a few sets of clothes that mix and match, letting her choose what to wear from these preselected outfits. These suggestions require time and energy, but the effort might be worth it if she’s determined to pick out her own clothes each day.

When you’re rushed, you may end up struggling with your child if she’s determined to dress herself. If you leave the house every morning, you may be able to avoid arguments by setting the alarm clock fifteen minutes early to give her time to dress. At other times, let her know that you are going to help with dressing because you’re rushed. If she has generally been allowed to dress herself, she may not resist your efforts. But if she does, try offering a distraction such as, “Let’s get dressed quickly so we can get some crackers.”

A surprising development may occur once your child has learned to dress herself efficiently: she may not want to do it anymore. She may say, “I can’t,” or “I don’t want to,” or, “You get me dressed.” Frequently, when a child has mastered a skill such as dressing, she loses interest and it becomes a chore rather than a challenge. You may feel that if you give in and dress her, you’re being manipulated. You may even try to force her to dress herself, although when children are forced, they often slow down and procrastinate. You have to decide whether this is an issue worth struggling over.

Compromise and flexibility seem most effective. If your child is tired, uninterested, or simply wants to be taken care of for a while, it’s all right to dress her yourself. At other times you may want to help her get dressed: “You do the shirt and I’ll put on your pants.” And when you want her to consistently dress herself, usually by the time she is five, let her know: “Before you come down for breakfast, I want you to get dressed.”

It’s best to avoid power struggles over getting dressed. In child development, steps forward are often followed by steps backward. Enjoy your child’s pride when she’s able to dress herself, and trust that by age five or six she will take on the job permanently.

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Everyone likes to touch interesting and attractive objects. Adults in stores are drawn to gadgets they can manipulate and products they can pick up and feel. Children also want to handle what they see in stores, but many store owners and parents are too impatient or fearful to let children touch.

Touching is one of the main ways a child learns about things around her, especially in new surroundings. She explores with her hands and often can only “see” something by feeling it. One three-year-old told her mother, who was holding an interesting object right in front of her daughter’s eyes, “I can’t see that far.” The child was really saying that she wanted to touch.

When children shop with their parents, struggles often develop as parents pick up, handle, and buy items, and children want to do the same. And because most stores try to display their products in the most attractive and appealing ways possible, the temptations for a child to touch are great. Parents usually keep their children from handling merchandise because they’re worried about items getting broken. While it’s true that young children don’t understand the consequences of breaking things, it’s also true that most children, if properly supervised, won’t hurt items in a store. Parents can hold fragile objects for close-up viewing or gentle touching, and can allow their children, within limits, to pick up interesting merchandise.

Sometimes a child will feel satisfied in a store if she is just given enough time to examine an object. Parents are often in too much of a hurry while shopping to wait while she looks at boxes of paint brushes or piles of scarves. But many struggles can be avoided if parents slow down a bit and allow an extra few minutes for her interests.

Some stores make shopping easier by providing toys and play areas for children. If possible, try to patronize such stores and let the owners know that you value their service. Always support their efforts by watching your child while she’s in the play area and by straightening up some of the toys before you leave the store. If children are left unsupervised and store employees have to take complete responsibility for clean up, owners may discontinue the service.

Although play areas are very helpful, most of the stores you shop in will not have them and will show little tolerance for children. Since that’s the case, carry small toys from home when you shop with your child, or have her bring a backpack with her choice of a few small items. Such playthings may distract her from some, but not all, of the attractive merchandise around her. When parents, store owners, and employees recognize and become more patient with children’s needs to see, touch, and explore, shopping will become easier for everyone.

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Childproofing the home is important because young children explore indiscriminately. If an object is within reach, a child under three will touch it without considering his own safety or the value of the object. Because young children have such a strong natural compulsion to touch, see, and explore, their parents have to protect them and make their environment safe. But parents also have to balance their child-proofing with an understanding of their child’s need to explore.

Most parents know to put plugs in electrical sockets, to put locks on cabinets containing dangerous substances, to keep plants and sharp items out of reach, and to put away valuables. But beyond that, they wonder how much accommodating they should do. Some parents feel they should teach their child the meaning of “no” by leaving out objects that he’s not allowed to handle: “Sooner or later, he’s going to have to learn not to touch everything.” Other parents leave out forbidden objects or refuse to let their child touch accessible items in order to train him to behave well in other people’s homes. One mother who wouldn’t let her son play behind the living room curtains, said, “I don’t care about my own curtains but I’m afraid he’ll play with the curtains at his friend’s house.” Such fears prevent many parents from allowing their child to explore his own house. Yet, children can be allowed to touch and play with things at home and taught not to do the same thing at other people’s homes.

Parents who leave out knickknacks and declare many items and appliances untouchable find themselves in constant conflict with their child, who simply does not have the impulse control to resist touching. One common battleground is the kitchen. Frustrated parents who don’t understand the developmental urge to explore sometimes try to limit their child’s access to the dishwasher, trash can, and refrigerator by tying up doors and lids. Yet, such denial may only make him more frantic to experiment with the interesting appliances he sees his parents use. He may run to the kitchen every time he hears the refrigerator open, or he may struggle to climb on the dishwasher door to get at the silverware. He just wants to touch, but parents often expect too much from a child under three and then feel drained by having to say “no” all day.

It’s certainly true that a child needs limits, but he will inevitably learn his limitations because there are dangerous and valuable objects that can’t be put away: a fireplace, lamps, a TV, a stereo. There is no need to intentionally leave out other forbidden things, just as there is no need to automatically declare all appliances off-limits. The dishwasher for instance, won’t need to be tied up if parents keep some spoons and plastic dishes and cups within their child’s reach inside and let him occasionally practice taking them out and putting them back. Likewise, if parents put some healthy snacks on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator, their child will probably feel satisfied to help him-self to those without feeling a need to touch everything else in the refrigerator. If parents are firm about not letting their child handle a few items, but otherwise allow him freedom to touch, both he and they will not be overly frustrated during this developmental stage. The more freedom he has, the more likely he’ll be to listen when they tell him not to touch.

Once you have fully childproofed your home, you’ll feel comfortable leaving your child alone in one room for a brief time while you work or answer the phone in another room. If you have limited the number of objects he may not touch, you won’t feel tense when he explores. However, expect to keep reminding him of his limits; his urge to touch is so strong that he may not be able to stop himself.

If you want to keep your child from handling things at someone else’s house, try telling him ahead of time, “I know you play with the cushions here, but when we’re at Grandma’s you can’t do that.” You might find that your child is more cautious when he’s away from home and that he does less exploring in other people’s homes than you expected.

Whenever you visit, you may have to do some temporary childproofing, especially if your host has no young children. Ask if you can temporarily move fragile items. Most people will understand, particularly if you offer to put the objects back in place before you leave.

Childproofing is basically a way of accommodating the normal developmental needs of a child under three. Young children want to touch and try everything, so if you prepare for this stage, you will have an easier time getting through it. And, although it may seem to you that the touching phase will never end, you’ll see a gradual decrease in your child’s need to explore everything in sight. By the time he’s three and one-half, he’ll gain more understanding about objects, safety, and impulse control, and have less need to touch. You will then be able to put back on your tables and shelves many of the objects you had to keep out of reach.

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After a child has been walking for a month or so, she’ll probably start climbing on chairs, beds, couches, counters, and anything else she can reach. She climbs because she has a strong urge to touch and explore things around her. When she sees her parents doing seemingly magical things like talking on the phone, washing dishes, turning on the lights, or opening doors, she wants to get closer and imitate them. And in order to do that-to reach the phone or the desktop-she has to climb.

The climbing stage can be difficult for parents because they have to keep their child safe, and that can mean almost constant supervision. If they leave her alone for even a few moments, they may hear the sound of a chair scraping along as she prepares for her next climb. They often stop her from climbing because they fear for her safety, or because furniture might be damaged, or simply because they don’t want her to climb just then. But her urge to climb is strong and she may get angry and frustrated when she’s held back. Then her parents will either have to deal with her behavior or try to distract her.

A child who climbs during the day may climb out of her crib at night or at naptime, either to be with her parents or to explore the room. Parents often are surprised the first time this happens. One mother put her child in the crib for a nap, and then went to take a shower. As she was lathering her hair, she heard a noise in the bathroom and looked out to see her daughter standing there.

It’s almost impossible to force your child to stay in her crib, but you can take precautions to make her climbing safer. If she is consistently climbing out of her crib, clear the nearby area and be sure there are no toys or pieces of furniture for her to trip or fall on. Close the stairway gates whenever she’s in her crib, and use a night light in the hall so she can see if she climbs out during the night. If you feel she’s ready, you might want to put the crib away and have her sleep in a bed.

To keep her safe and satisfied during the day, try at times to make climbing easy for her. You might give her a small stepstool to carry around or get a small piece of indoor climbing equipment, such as a slide, for her to play on safely. You also can place a chair near a window so she can look out, take cushions off your couch so she can climb on them, or even put a mattress on the floor so she can climb, jump, and explore in safety.

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