My Science School

 

How should I tell my parents that he is the one I wish to share my life with?

You have rightly said that there is a lot of time before you can decide on settling down and spending a lifetime with this young man. There is no urgency now to broach this subject. Two years is a sufficient time.

Use that time constructively. Concentrate on your work and job and at the end of two years, think the matter over and come to a decision. Right now there is nothing much to do except concentrate on your studies and get a good job and become independent.

 

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I have been wondering about the kind of trauma and problems being faced by a large number of people, especially the youngsters. Could you enlighten me?

It is indeed nice of you to show such care and concern for the quake victims, especially youngsters like you. It is traumatic for children and adults alike. It is agonising because over the years people have toiled and saved money to build up their homes and businesses as well as bring up their children. Young children, teenagers and youth who have been planning to study further or appear for certain examinations, etc., suddenly find that all their efforts and toils have been destroyed in  few seconds. They are shocked, frustrated, angry and totally devastated by these sudden happenings. They don’t believe that this has happened to them. There is total dismay and helplessness at this natural calamity where humans could do nothing.

Initial shock over, most people try to get over their grief at the loss of their near ones and try to look after those who are alive for which they gratefully thank the Almighty. Many suffer from what is called Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. The essence of this is a delayed distress response to a very atypical and significantly traumatic event. They may show both anxiety and depression. Some need very specific psychological help as they have lost not only all their belongings but their nears and dears and thus feel totally lost, helpless and highly distressed.

However most people try to come out of their grief and work towards normalising themselves as they were before the tragic event occurred. What is perhaps most important is to draw oneself out of the tragedy, start organising one’s daily activities and learn to think and behave positively.

 

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My parents have been divorced for 10 years now but they see each other often. I have been living with my mother ever since. However, my father has now decided to remarry. Now while I know that he is well within his rights to do so, I feel its a sort of cheating.

I agree that there had been a lot of acrimony between my parents earlier on but now I feel they have been able to evolve a nice arrangement in which both meet each other without any bitterness over previous quarrels.

However, if my father marries again, it will disturb this arrangement and then there will be no scope for any relationship between the two. How can I help retain the status quo? I feel very disturbed about the new development.

I can understand your predicament. However for 10 years they have lived separately and you have lived with your mother. You had no problems. Perhaps you feel concerned that your father remarrying you may not be able to meet him as often as you do now. Perhaps you don’t want your father to remarry at all. From your letter I cannot understand the real issue. If you don’t want your father to marry again, you could talk to him and find out the reasons for this action. Then you could express your own feelings and apprehensions about the issue. I am sure he will be able to arrive at a solution. Maybe you can talk to your mother, who may be knowing more about this matter and then come to a decision.

Once you know the facts and the implications, I am sure you will feel at ease because then it will be easier to accept reality with understanding.

 

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The fear of failure is making you edgy. There is no reason why a good student like you will not do well at the class 12 exams. As you have rightly realised, there is still plenty of time before you come face to face with the reality of the exam. It’s time that you told yourself that negative thoughts do hamper performance.

Worrying about the exams and wondering whether or not you will do well is the cause for anxiety and headaches. Since you are hassled you will only think about failures. As a result, you will be distracted and find it difficult to focus on your studies. You will find it difficult to remember all that you read. This in turn will cause more anxiety and panic. This sets off the chain reaction and you begin to forget and feel miserable, all over again. The only way to overcome these headaches is to learn to relax. Try the following things:

• Relax all the muscles of your body, loosen them up and sit in the most comfortable relaxed position possible in a chair or a reclining one. You may even lie down in bed. During this period don’t think of anything. Empty your mind of any thoughts.


• Take a deep breath. Inhale slowly until you feel a beautiful pleasant feeling inside your head. This happens when the oxygen goes to the brain. Now slowly exhale while continuing to relax.


• Repeat this slowly and in the most comfortable way for around five to six times. Do keep your eyes closed during this exercise.


• Gradually, open your eyes and get back to your sitting posture. You will feel like a new person. Your head will feel light and wonderful. The negative thoughts would have vanished by this time.


• Now pursue your work at a pace that suits you. You can then take a five-minute break. If you feel tense again, return to the exercise. Otherwise, resume work right after the break.


• Organise your course and lessons in such a manner that you complete the easy sections before moving onto the difficult areas.


• Whenever you have a doubt, mark the lesson and keep it aside to seek clarifications from your teacher.


• During all this, don’t think about next year’s exam. Focus on your work. Do not worry about the results.

         Adopt this strategy with a bit of discipline and very soon you will see your tension and anxiety disappear.

 

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What do I do in this dog-eat-dog world where there is no future sans a high-profile education?

You are right when you say that you need an education. You can complete your education as you work through a distance education programme. The Indira Gandhi Open University (IGNOU) offers many courses in different disciplines at the graduate and post-graduate levels. Many universities across the country, including Delhi University, offer correspondence courses in variety of subjects.

All you need to do is get a form, fill it up and work towards your graduation and post-graduation in the subject of your choice and at your own pace. There is no need to feel low. You have the essential ingredient of motivation and desire to acquire a higher education. With your capacity to work hard and diligently, you will achieve your goals.

The past, however bad it may have been, cannot be set right. So treat it as a bad dream that is best forgotten. Concentrate on what you want to do. Set clear goals clear and start working towards them now. I am sure no one can stop you from 

 

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Hailing from a middle class family or not having been exposed to certain experiences has never come in a way of anyone’s thinking or behaviour. If you are confident that you have an opinion on a certain matter, go ahead and express your opinion. By not expressing yourself you may tend to become more withdrawn. If you feel that you have read about a topic as much as your friends have, do not restrain yourself from speaking about it.

You need to think well of yourself if you want others to think well of you too. Similarly, if you want others to appreciate your views, do ensure that they are worthy and the result of sound reading.

To be able to do this, make it a habit to understand the subject matter, think about it and then arrive at your point of view. Express your opinion without fear, as you will be able to defend it even if someone contradicts you. Practise this art in the privacy of your home. Adopt this strategy and you will soon be on your way to speaking your mind with others.

 

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I have lost all faith in myself and I don’t know what to do. Can you help?

It must of course be disappointing to you that you could not get through the CAT exam. But this is not the end of the world. There are many more avenues for which you can train yourself. All that needs to be done is to ascertain first where possibly you could have gone wrong in attempting the CAT. Is it knowledge, speed or content that has prevented you from getting admission? Think back objectively and see if you would like to take one more chance after getting over the shortcomings that you have.

Get some good coaching from a well established centre. Keep your options open. If CAT is going to be difficult, then think of other courses that you can possibly take.

 

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When they playfully tease me for being dark, I get hurt. Please find some solution for me.

A girl so talented like you should not really be worried about your complexion. After all, you do know whether brown or black or white or whitish, every person is a human and there is no need for a person with a darker complexion to feel inferior to the fairer ones. If you accept your complexion as part of yourself and keep it glowing and fine, you will find that being dark is not bad at all. You are in college to study and to enjoy and you can do both if only you do not think that dark complexion is inferior. Remember, only when you allow yourself to be teased will you be teased. The person who teases you would stop doing so if she finds that it has no effect on you. You also know that there are dark complexioned people who have made a name for themselves (Williams sisters, the tennis wizards) and show how proud they are of their achievements. Dark complexion does not really bother them. Try to be confident about yourself, carry yourself with dignity, with your head high on your shoulders.

 

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Your problem is what we call identity problem, especially related to the gender factor. For some reason you are unable to accept the fact that you are a girl. You do not seem to feel nice about being a girl and thus you have been dressing up like a boy. Normally, upto a certain age boys and girls are almost indistinguishable in terms of their clothing and attires, but after the bodily changes that occur during puberty and adolescence, girls generally start wearing feminine clothes. This is also the time when boys and girls are attracted towards each other physically and the boys are interested in you as a girl than as one of them.

Both boys and girls have their own wonderful qualities and none is less than the other. Whether it is studies or occupation or any other area of life, both do equally well and none is inferior to the other. However, there are certain things in life that the masculinity of the boys may be able to accomplish better, while there are certain other things in life which the femininity of girls will be able to successfully manage. Many a time, you do not like being a girl because you feel you are not valued by parents, teachers or society which all show preference to the boys. That happens because of certain cultural norms and traditions. Trying to be something that one is not, will only create more and more conflict, anxiety and unhappiness. It is important to feel happy and proud of what one is, not because one is a male or female, but because of what one has been able to accomplish in the best possible manner. Think of yourself as a student, daughter and friend and how well you have been able to play effectively all these roles and how proud you have made your parents.

You need not rush into changing your style of clothing, etc., but what you need to do is to occasionally, that is, once a fortnight or a month, or on some festival days, dress up like a girl and see as well as experience how nice it feels. As you start wearing feminine clothes, you will get used to it in course of time and also you may not only start accepting these dresses but also enjoy being a girl.

 

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