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There are two ways a child learns about respect. He listens to what his parents say about respectful behavior, and he copies the way they actually act. Ultimately, he’ll learn more from their actions than from their words. If they treat him and others courteously, he’ll eventually copy their behavior. But if they speak harshly to him—“Get over here now!”--and consistently belittle him when he expresses his needs or makes mistakes, he will not learn to treat others with respect, even if his parents admonish him to behave well.

Day care and nursery school teachers sometimes say they can tell how respectful parents are by listening to children playing in the housekeeping corner. When two preschoolers pretend they have a crying baby, one might say, “Let’s pick her up. She’s crying,” while the other might reply, “You get out of this house right now and take this crying baby with you.”

A young child doesn’t automatically know how to act appropriately. He has to have good models and be taught and frequently reminded because he’s egocentric and easily forgets about other people’s feelings when his own needs are strong. Parents often feel defeated after telling their child again and again to be nice to others, only to see him act selfishly again. At such times, they should remember that learning to show respect is a slow process and that it’s natural for young children to think mainly of themselves.

If you feel constantly unhappy with your child’s disrespectful behavior, perhaps you should re-evaluate your expectations of him. It’s possible that you’re asking for more than he’s capable of giving. The younger he is, the less likely he is to control his emotions and put himself in someone else’s place. Therefore, it’s necessary for you to put limits on his behavior, “You can’t say such mean words to your sister.”

Look for ways you can model respectful behavior: “Let me pick you up so you can see well.” “Let’s go over there and thank that man for helping us.” When children are respected, they internalize feelings of self-worth, believing that their ideas, needs, and desires are important. Over time, your child will give back the kind of respect you’ve given him, and you’ll see him begin to consider other people’s needs and feelings.

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  When a young child gets angry with her parents, she shouts, “I hate you. You’re dumb!’ This outburst might come after her parents have said she can’t go outdoors or have a friend over or do something else she wants to do. A preschooler has a hard time putting her exact feelings into words. She doesn’t know how to say, “Dad, I think you should allow me to stay up later tonight because...” or, “I’m angry with you because you said...” She’s too young for such articulation and too young to show respect. Instead, she expresses her anger by saying, “I hate you.”

Most preschool children say, “I hate you,” to their parents. Some parents accept and understand these words as the beginning of their child’s expression of negative feelings. But all parents can feel betrayed when their child, after receiving love and attention, turns on them over a minor disappointment. It can be frustrating when adult reasoning, logic, and caring fail to keep a child from yelling, “You mean mom.” Many parents are tolerant when their two- or three-year-old yells, “You dumb mom,” but feel less understanding when their four- or five-year-old says, “I hate you.” A child’s words can feel threatening to parents who don’t like their children to be angry with them.

Parents who can’t stand to hear “I hate y you” often say, “That’s not nice! Don’t let me hear those words again.” But the child needs to release her angry feelings somehow, and if she isn’t allowed to express them verbally, she’ll find other, perhaps more destructive ways. She might turn to aggressive behavior such as biting or hitting, or she might take out her anger by becoming deliberately slow, acting excessively silly, Pretending she doesn’t hear her parents, or finding other ways to annoy them. However, if her angry feelings are acknowledged and allowed to be expressed, she eventually will learn to state her feelings more appropriately.

If your child says, “I hate you,” offer her other ways to tell you how she feels. Suggest she say, “I’m mad at you,” “I’m angry,” or, “I don’t like what you did.” Acknowledge her feelings, but say, “I want you to tell me in different words.”

Children are natural mimics. Your child uses the word “hate” because she hears it so often. Adults say, “I hate this dress,” or, “I hate it when people do that.” It’s natural for your child to use the word to express her dislike of something or someone. You can take advantage of the fact that she’s a mimic and gradually teach her to express her anger in acceptable ways. When your child says, “I hate you,” rather than make an issue of it, simply restate her words. Say back to her, “You’re really angry at me, aren’t you. You don’t like it when I say it’s time to come in.” If she hears you express her anger in this way, she gradually will begin to use similar statements herself.

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Hearing a child whine is very annoying. Young children often whine when they’re tired, hungry, angry, or frustrated, and once they start, it’s difficult to stop them. When parents ignore their whining child, he usually just continues until they finally speak to him. And even those parents who try to be patient or who believe its best not to focus on a whining child often end up shouting, “Stop whining!” One mother constantly scolded her four-year-old, “What did I tell you about whining? Use a grown-up voice!”

There are no easy ways to keep your child from whining. You can try redirecting his attention, although your attempts at distraction may be unsuccessful. You also can try letting him know, without attacking him, that you’re unhappy with his tone. When you say, “You’re whining!” or, “Stop whining!” you imply blame. Instead, try expressing your feelings in a less negative way, without using the word “whining” at all. Say, “When you ask me in that way, I don’t want to do anything for you,” or “You’ll have to ask me in another way.”

Sometimes, particularly if your child is three or younger, you won’t be able to understand what he says when he whines. You can tell him, “You'll have to ask me in a voice I can understand,” or, “When you talk to me that way, I don’t feel like listening to you. Can you find another way to tell me what you want?” You may not be able to stop a three-year-old’s whining until you discover what’s causing it. Sometimes a child with an older sibling whines because he feels he can’t compete with his brother or sister. He turns to whining and baby-talk in order to be noticed and to take on the qualities of a baby, who, he feels, couldn’t be expected to act like the older sibling.

By the time your child is five, he should be better able to express himself and understand the limits you place on his whining. If he whines continuously despite your efforts, he may believe whining is the best way to get what he wants. You may need to listen to him more and give him more time and attention.

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It’s very common for a first-born child between the ages of eighteen months and three years to call her parents by their first names. She imitates what she hears and since her parents and their friends, neighbors, and relatives all use first names when talking to each other, she uses first names too. Even if her parents call each other “Mom” and “Dad,” she may still use first names because those are the ones she hears most often.

Many parents don’t mind if their child occasionally uses first names, although some consider anything other than “Mom” and “Dad” disrespectful. When a child uses her parents’ first names, however, she intends no disrespect - usually she’s just mimicking what other people say. Over time, this imitative behavior will diminish and the child will stop using her parents’ names.

If you’re bothered or embarrassed when your child calls you by your first name, remind her to say “Mom” and “Dad”. But remember that it will be hard for her, especially if she’s under two, to call you “Mom” and “Dad” consistently, since she doesn’t usually hear other people call you that. If you have a second child, you’ll notice that he or she rarely uses your first name. That’s because there’s an older sibling to copy, and because the second child is used to hearing “Mom” and “Dad.’

A common question related to first-name use is; “What should my child’s friends call me?” Some parents are most comfortable with first names and believe they’re easier for young children to remember and use. Other parents want to be called “Mrs.” or “Mr.” Choose whichever makes you comfortable and let your child’s playmates know what you’d like to be called.

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In most families, children are expected to kiss their relatives hello and good-bye. When a child does this spontaneously, his parents are pleased, and when he doesn’t, they usually prompt him, “Give Grandma and Grandpa a kiss. They haven’t seen you in such a long time.” Parents know how nice it feels to be kissed by a child. They want their child to be liked by relatives, and they feel that they’ll be judged unfavorably if he child doesn’t give a kiss.

Yet, many children are uncomfortable kissing their relatives and often don’t want to do it. This can create an awkward situation, especially when a relative feels rejected by the child or feels that he’s not excited to see her. And if the relative has brought him a gift and still doesn’t get a kiss, she might feel particularly frustrated and begin to say negative things such as, “What’s the matter with him? Is he shy?” His uneasy parent may urge him to “give Aunt Sue a kiss since she gave you a present,” and Aunt Sue may say, “I’ll take my gift back home with me.” All of this can put a great deal of pressure on the young child, who will usually give in if harassed enough. But the resulting discomfort for him and his parents is often not worth the struggle.

A child who resists giving a kiss is probably not rejecting a relative. Most children are excited about seeing family members, but feel uneasy giving a kiss hello for any of a number of reasons. A child may just not be comfortable with the physical contact of a kiss, or, feeling shy and self-conscious, may reject kissing because he doesn’t like to be focused on. He may want to stay close to his parents, even cling to them, until he feels adjusted to the visitors or to being in a relative’s house.

Sometimes a relative is one the child rarely sees, and he resists kissing because he needs time to get used to a strange face. A few children have private or magical concerns about kissing. One five-year-old worried that he would “turn old” if he kissed his aunt, while another child reported that she didn’t want to kiss her relatives because “people give you germs on your lips.” And at times a child won’t give a kiss good-bye because he doesn’t want a visit to end, although he may not explain this.

If you’re faced with a resisting child, try to let the kiss go - most children just need time to ease into a visit and feel friendly. Instead of insisting, suggest other options for your child. He could tell his relatives about something that has recently happened, demonstrate a new skill, or show them a favorite possession. And even if he won’t kiss, he may willingly “give five,” shake hands, blow a kiss, or give a hug good-bye.

We can all remember being small and having a relative pinch our cheeks or demand a kiss. If we recall how we felt then, we can understand our own children’s reluctance to give kisses, and can help them find other ways to begin and end enjoyable visits with relatives.

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“Katie, let’s play house. I’m the mommy, you’re the baby.”

“No, I’m the mommy, or I won’t be your friend.”

“Then you’re not coming to my birthday party.”

This exchange is typical of what preschoolers say when they argue. They may play well together and then suddenly tell each other, “I hate you,” or, “You’re a dummy.” Young children, whose emotions are close to the surface, concentrate on their immediate wishes and needs. And because they’re egocentric, they don’t consider each other’s feelings but let their anger come out in harsh words or actions. Some children give in when spoken to in this way, while others either fights back and persist until they get their way, or try to find an adult to help.

Parents wonder what to do when children are angry with each other. They should begin by setting limits on their child, who is egocentric and needs this adult guidance; on her own, she doesn’t think about others when she’s mad. However, if parents restrict her expressions of anger too much, she may end up believing that anger is bad and inappropriate. When she’s kept from expressing her feelings, they’ll be released in other ways. She may become destructive with her toys or while playing, manipulative with her parents or friends, or tricky as she tries to get other children to do what she wants. She needs a chance to let her anger out, and even if her parents don’t like to hear her say, “I hate you! I’m not playing with you,” they should realize that children are not very good at expressing their exact thoughts. Harsh words are sometimes a young child’s way of letting her strongest negative feelings be known.

When it seems appropriate, parents can let arguing children try to work out their differences themselves as long as no one is getting physically injured or having his or her feelings terribly hurt. Children are sometimes surprisingly good at settling their arguments and can gradually learn to work problems out with one another. A child who seldom has a chance to settle her own arguments may become a “tattle-tale,” dependent on her parents for help even with minor difficulties.

Parents who see that children cannot resolve arguments alone can offer suggestions. “Why don’t you both pretend you’re mommies and let your dolls be the babies?” If one child shouts something mean to another, parents should avoid saying, “That’s not nice!” and instead say, “You’re really mad because Tanya doesn’t want you to play now. Why don’t you tell her that?” Even if angry children ignore parents’ suggestions, the very presence of adults will have a restraining effect. Children tend to be less aggressive with each other when parents are nearby.

You can lessen your child’s involvement in arguments by avoiding situations that usually lead to problems. For instance, your child may play well with one child at a time, but not when a third joins in. Three can be a difficult number - two friends will often pair up and exclude or attack the third. If you can’t avoid this situation, give all three children frequent reminders about getting along and including each other in play. If your child consistently argues with one particular playmate, limit their time together or tell them, “You have to find a way to get along with each other or I’m not going to let you play together.” Your young child’s anger, no matter how momentary, is very real and very strong. Allow her emotions to be heard, but when necessary, help her control her anger by setting firm limits.

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“It’s mine!” screams the young boy, yanking a toy from another child.

“That’s not nice,” his mother says. “Michelle is your friend and I want you to share with her.”

“No, it’s mine!”

At times almost all young children have trouble sharing. Even eighteen-month-olds argue over toys, although conflicts generally peak between the ages of two and two and one half. Episodes of screaming, crying, and even biting are not uncommon when children struggle for a toy. Sometimes the severity of the anger and anxiety that young children exhibit is incomprehensible to adults. One mother who took care of several young children described her daughter’s behavior during this stage as horrifying: “When Tali was two she would stand at the front door with her arms spread out and yell, ‘MINE’!”

What parents should try to understand is that a child’s possessions are important to him and that he feels violated if another child handles them. When a friend comes into a child’s home, the child suddenly is asked to give up his toys, to share with someone who usually doesn’t ask before using something. His biggest fear is that he will lose his toys, or that they will no longer belong to him. That’s why he screams and tugs at a possession, crying, “It’s mine!”

Because a young child’s thinking is egocentric, he sees things only from his point of view and is unmoved by his parents’ logical reasons for sharing: “Your friend wants to use this toy. How would you feel if he didn’t share with you?” The question doesn’t make sense to children these ages and it won’t change their behavior. A child also won’t be moved by his friend’s obvious distress at not having a chance to share a toy. One three and one-half year old child became interested in her toy vacuum cleaner only after her friend took it out of the closet to use. A struggle ensued between the two children until the mother intervened. “Jesse was using the toy first. How would you feel if your friend Niki took her toys away from you while you were visiting her?” The child stood quietly with a blank look on her face and said, “It’s my vacuum cleaner.” Such lack of concern for another’s feelings may be difficult for parents to accept because adult thinking is so different from a young child’s.

Parents who are frustrated or embarrassed by their child’s unwillingness to share may blame themselves or have negative feelings about their child, considering him to be bad or selfish. After watching him grab a toy, parents may become angry and try to force him to share. But once they realize that trouble with sharing is a normal aspect of development, they usually feel more comfortable and tolerant. Talking to other parents about sharing also may help. It’s helpful to remember that sometimes even adults have problems sharing. People argue over parking spaces and cut each other off during rush hour. And an adult need only imagine a visiting friend opening drawers and looking at personal belongings to understand how a child feels.

Understanding your child’s difficulty with sharing may bring some comfort, although you’ll still have to deal with struggles over toys. Unfortunately, there are no magic answers to the problems of sharing, but there are things you can try to lessen the tension. First, you can prepare your child. If a friend is coming to visit, say, “When Michelle comes over she’ll want to play with your blocks, your puzzles, and the sliding board.” Ask Michelle’s parents to send along a little bag of toys for your child to play with. Don’t expect your child to share all his toys when a friend visits. You may want to put away a few special possessions, or explain to visitors that there are some toys he doesn’t want to share.

If he grabs everything away from his friend, tell him, “Michelle’s using that now and when she’s finished, you can use it.” Then tell Michelle, “When you’re done with that toy, please share it.” Sometimes you may want to set time limits for taking turns, but understand that your child may be frustrated by having to give up a toy he’s playing with or trying to master. Imagine that you’re attempting to make a cake. You take out the ingredients, start to mix them, and then hear, “Time’s up! It’s Sharon’s turn.” You’d indignantly reply, “I’m not done yet!” and even a few minutes more wouldn’t help. That’s how your two- to five-year-old feels when forced to stop what he’s doing and take turns.

When the struggle over toys becomes intense, you can try to interest your child in playing with something else. Or it may help to offer him choices: “Which toy would you like your friend to use - the ball or the puzzle?” If he can’t choose, you choose for him. You may have to distract him by playing with him yourself or reading him a book. Although this can be frustrating, especially if you’re involved in conversation with another adult, you should recognize that conflicts among young children, and the resulting interruptions, are unavoidable.

Parents often find that sharing is easier if children play outside, if they play at a friend’s house rather than at their own house, or if they are involved in something together, such as coloring, using play dough, or painting. Whatever you try, though, sharing will probably still be a problem. As you set limits on the struggles, reassure your child that you understand what a difficult time he’s having. And remember to model the behavior you want him to adopt. If you are giving, if you share courteously, your child will eventually copy you. Children learn more from parents’ examples than from parents’ admonitions.

By the time your child is three or four years old, you’ll notice a general change in his attitude toward sharing. He’ll show less anxiety when a friend uses a toy and will begin to say, “Here, you use this,” or “Let’s both play with these.” When he’s four or five, he’ll begin to place more value on friendship. Eventually, he may be sharing more openly than you’d like, and you may find yourself saying, “Don’t let him use your bike - he might ruin it,” or “Don’t let her take that toy home with her.” In the meantime, though, you can help your young child get past his difficulty with sharing by being patient, understanding this developmental phase, and not applying too much pressure.

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“How long till my birthday?”

“When is three weeks up?”

“Is it Halloween yet?”

Parents hear such questions whenever special occasions approach. Children have a hard time waiting, and since their concept of time is different from an adult’s, they ask about holidays over and over again. Parents can tell their excited child that Christmas is four weeks away and almost immediately, she will ask again, “How long before Christmas?”

She begins anticipating a holiday as soon as preparations begin. Her day care or nursery school class might make Valentine cards weeks in advance, and her friends might discuss Halloween costumes long before October. Christmas preparations sometimes begin before Thanksgiving, giving children a great deal of time to watch holiday commercials, see store decorations going up, and think about presents.

When there’s a long period of anticipation before a special event, children get anxious and excited and may go through behavior changes, becoming sillier, more active, and more likely to whine. Children who are admonished to “be good” in order to get birthday or Christmas gifts may feel pressured and become more aggressive. It’s very hard under any circumstances for a child to be consistently good, and when she’s anxiously anticipating a holiday, behaving well is that much harder. Some parents find that their child’s behavior improves if they ease up on the holiday pressure, perhaps giving a surprise treat (“Just because I love you”) to slow the build-up.

Parents also can try to help their child deal with the waiting period by giving her a calendar to mark off, or by making a special paper chain. Each day for a week or two, she can tear off one link; the day all the links are gone is the day she’s been waiting for. These devices help some children stay calm, but generally children remain very excited. Parents should be patient with the excitement and expect that their child will continually want the celebration to begin “now.” They can sympathize if they consider their own feelings before special parties or vacations.

Your child may get particularly worked up before her birthday. Since party preparation takes time, you may start planning the celebration weeks before the date, while your child considers whom to invite and what presents she’d like. She may be very excited about the gifts and party or she may have mixed feelings about being the center of attention and may decide, as one five-year-old did, “Nobody should sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to me at my party.” She may worry ahead of time about having eight or ten friends over at once, and may be concerned about sharing her toys and letting the guests see her presents. One child, concerned about her anticipated gifts, said, “At the party, no one can come and play in my room.” Although there is no way to keep your child from feeling excited and anxious before her birthday, if you anticipate her feelings, you will be better able to reassure her.

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Children like to do what their parents do, and parents spend a lot of time on the telephone. Even before a child is two years old, he’ll imitate his parents by using a toy phone, holding a real phone, pushing the buttons, and making sounds. When he’s between two and three, he’ll want to talk on the phone and, given the chance, he may do comical things. He might listen and nod without saying a word, or he may hold objects up to the phone so his listener can see them since he assumes that if he can see something, everyone else can. One two-year-old had his aunt hold on while he got his pet gerbil. “See,” he said, holding the animal up to the receiver, “he’s moving around.”

Children like to imitate their parents by being first to answer the phone. Parents who want to avoid this situation shout, “I’ll get it,” but sometimes their child also shouts, “I’ll get it,” and races his parents to the phone. When a two-year-old answers, he might just hold it, saying nothing. A three-year-old might pick up the phone and say, “Who is this?” or “What do you want?” and a four- or five-year-old who is given a message by a caller will probably forget it. At these young ages, children’s conversations are all about themselves. Once they’ve said what they want to say, they may simply hang up without thinking or caring about the person on the other end.

Children are fascinated by the telephone not only because their parents use it, but also because it has a magical quality. It’s both tool and toy, and it lets a child share his thoughts with other people, something children like to do. They also like to talk on the phone because they don’t want to feel left out. If parents are having a conversation, children want to be in on it and they want the attention their parents are giving to whoever is on the line.

Parents often are frustrated when their child wants to talk, especially when they’re engaged in important calls. He might yell and have a tantrum if he’s not allowed to talk, and such noise can embarrass parents. If he becomes too disruptive, his parent might have to end an important call prematurely, hoping that the person on the other end is understanding. Although parents can gradually teach a five- or six-year-old not to interrupt important calls, explanations do little good with younger, egocentric children. Sometimes they can be distracted by a silent offer of toys or food, but more often they just keep interrupting.

Parents may feel particularly embarrassed if their child answers an important phone call. One mother expected a business call from a man named Paul Jones. Her son picked up the phone, listened, and then shouted, “It’s Paul Bones. Who’s he?” A four-year-old can be taught to answer the phone politely, but parents of younger children have to be tolerant and hope their callers understand children’s behavior and have a sense of humor.

One way you can accommodate your young child’s desire to answer the phone is to ask relatives or friends to call at prearranged times; then you can safely let your child answer and talk. If you have an adult who enjoys making such calls, you may be able to keep your child from interrupting you. Tell him, “As soon as I’m off the phone, we’ll dial Aunt Ellen and ask her to give you a call.”

If you’re having a phone conversation with the parent of a child the same age as yours, ask if your child can talk for a few moments. The other parent will certainly understand and may want to put his or her own child on to talk to you. And since children like to talk to each other, your child may especially enjoy a chance to call one of his friends.

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Parents probably benefit from playgroups more than their children do. Parents of very young children often feel isolated, so they welcome a chance to meet with other adults, compare child rearing stories and advice, and observe how other parents handle their children. Of course the children also can benefit from a playgroup, and as they get older, they enjoy seeing their friends regularly and playing at each other’s homes.

If you’re interested in starting a playgroup, talk to other parents about the possibility. Ask your neighbors and friends or look in grocery stores, houses of worship, and newsletters for notices from other interested parents. Although playgroups are most convenient when the participants live near each other, groups often form between people in different neighborhoods.

Your playgroup will probably work best with three to five children of mixed ages. If all the children are two and one-half, there will be a great deal of arguing over possessions, but if some are two and some are four, group meetings will be more harmonious. The youngest child will be happy playing alone next to the others, and the oldest ones will be more likely than the two-year-olds to share toys.

Many playgroups are successful meeting in the morning, although some meet between 3:30 and 5:30 in the afternoon, normally a slow time for at-home parents with young children. Other playgroups meet on the weekends so parents who work full-time can participate.

Your playgroup will probably get together once a week, meeting at each member’s house in turn. In some groups, every parent comes every time, while in others, parents rotate attendance so that in a group with six children, two parents attend any one session while four have the time free. The success of this rotating method depends on the ages and personalities of the children, and how well the families know each other. Some young children do not want to be separated from their parents and may cry for a few minutes or for the whole play session, particularly if the parents in charge are not familiar.

Before your playgroup begins meeting, get together with the other parents involved and develop rules and standards for practical issues. What kind of snack will be served? What happens when children fight? Who should bring toys? How will you handle the problem of sharing toys?

Your playgroup will be most successful if the parents involved share similar interests and attitudes, especially regarding parenting, since conflicts can arise when one group member accepts behavior that bothers another. As long as the adult members of a playgroup are basically compatible, they should be able to talk about their differences and try to work out solutions to the group’s problems.

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All young children, even those under a year old, love to be around other children. When children one and one-half years old and younger play together, they usually get along well. They play side-by-side, independently engaged but enjoying each other’s company, and there are few arguments over sharing. Occasional disagreements pass quickly because these young children can be distracted easily.

By the time children are two or three years old, however, playtime is full of arguments for playmates of the same age. They struggle with each other over possessions, sharing, and autonomy, and constantly shout, “That’s mine!” A parent often has a difficult time watching children this age play together. They don’t pay attention to each other’s needs and don’t give in without fighting. When children turn four, they do get along better, although there’s often a streak of competitiveness as each tries to exert power.

Play is generally much smoother when children of mixed ages play together. A group made up of two- to five-year-olds will struggle less because each child is at a different developmental stage with different needs. A younger child will watch and imitate an older one, asking for help with games and tasks and getting information. An older child, who is less possessive, will give in to the younger ones, offering help and leading games.

Although parents are usually comfortable when their young child plays with an older friend, they’re not as sure when their older child plays with a younger one. Parents may feel that he will be bored with younger children or will be brought down to their level. But a five-year-old playing with three-year-olds will stimulate himself, depending on the activities he’s involved in. He’ll play elaborate games with the simple toys available, lead a complex game, or create his own arts and crafts projects. He might enjoy the chance to play again with toys he’s outgrown. And he may feel good playing around younger children because he can be helpful and knowledgeable and direct his friends’ play: “Let’s put the blocks here and build a castle.” “The puzzle piece goes there.” “Do you want to hold my hamster? Be gentle, he has fragile bones.” His own confidence will be boosted when he can teach and lead.

Sometimes there are problems with mixed age groups. An older child may engage in elaborate play that the younger one doesn’t understand, and both children may become frustrated. And some older children may feel compelled to boss a younger child, knocking over his buildings and grabbing toys. When such children (who are often reenacting what happens to them when they play with an older sibling or friend) sense they are bigger than the children they’re playing with, they try to exert power. Parental supervision is needed in such situations to keep the play between younger and older children peaceful.

When you arrange playtime for your young child, encourage him to choose playmates who seem right for him. At times you may find it works best when he plays with children his own age; at other times you will want him to practice relating to and accepting children of different ages. After all, in the family, in the neighborhood, and out in public, he will be involved with people of all ages. What is more important than the ages of playmates is how well the children get along.

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Many preschoolers - especially boys - still want to play with toy guns despite all the frightening news about gun violence. They enjoy squirt guns, space guns, cap guns, and rifles, and they’re impressed with how toy guns can shoot water, flash, and make loud noises. If a toy gun isn’t available, a child will make one out of wood, a stick, a straw, even paper. And if he can’t make one, he’ll shoot with his thumb and finger.

A child is attracted to toy guns because they give him a sense of power and control. In his everyday life, he is relatively helpless, but when he holds a toy gun (which looks real to him), he feels he can protect himself while telling other children what to do: “Stand over there and put your hands up.” Children like to play roles: firefighter, mother, father, nurse, doctor, policeman, cowboy, bad guy. Children see armed guards at airports, hear news about fighting and terrorism, see shooting all the time on television and in computer games, and they act out what they see. The good and bad guys have guns, and when the good guy shoots and wins, he’s a hero.

There are parents who are comfortable letting their children play with toy guns. Some even encourage it. Many parents have mixed feelings. They don’t like gun play, since they know the danger and violence associated with real guns, and they want their children to play less aggressively. But even many of these parents eventually give up and let their children use toy guns. The parents find that, despite their arguments and their efforts to involve their child in other activities, he may still want to play with toy guns, and if he doesn’t have one, he’ll improvise one.

You may decide not to let your child use toy guns, or to use them only in a limited way. If toy gun use in the house bothers you, tell him to go outdoors. Tell him not to shoot at people who don’t agree to play and not to aim a toy gun in someone’s face. Gun play may be difficult for you to watch, since it imitates a frightening part of life. Yet, gun play doesn’t seem to encourage general aggressiveness. In fact, it can be an outlet for naturally aggressive children.

As long as your child plays with toy guns in moderation, there’s no harm in the activity. He’ll probably stay interested in these as he goes through his elementary years. If you see gun play becoming your child’s dominant activity, you need to try to figure out why. Does he feel unaccepted at home? Does he feel verbally or physically under attack at home or at school? A child who engages in excessive toy gun play may feel powerless or rejected. Pay more attention to him at home and try distracting him from toy guns by introducing him to alternative activities and organized games.

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There are many kinds of coloring books available, such as cartoon books “educational” books, animal and history books. They all are based on the same activity - a child colors a pre-drawn picture. Although this may seem enjoyable to an adult, a young child who spends too much time with coloring books may miss out on the chance to create his own artwork and know the enjoyment of drawing.

Parents sometimes buy these books because they think coloring within the lines will improve their child’s hand-eye coordination. Yet, so much of what he does involves hand-eye coordination. When he picks up a raisin, puts together a puzzle, builds with blocks, or zips a zipper, he’s improving his skills. He doesn’t need a coloring book for practice.

Some parents believe that a child will learn to complete tasks if he works in a coloring book. But often, he is unable to stay within the lines and becomes frustrated. A child between three and five may feel like a failure when he sees how “messy” his coloring looks. And parents may be more critical of his work when the task is to color within the lines rather than to draw whatever he likes. Eventually, he may lose his interest in drawing and coloring: “I’m just not good at this.”

Children are often given pre-made or partly completed artwork in nursery school or day care centers. They shouldn’t then spend most of their arts and crafts time at home with pre-drawn coloring books. Parents should limit their child’s use of coloring books until he is at least five- or six-years-old. At that age, he will be better able to color within the lines and may find the activity more satisfying. But even then, the use of coloring books should be limited.

The best kind of artwork is the child’s own. Your three- to five-year-old will enjoy using pens, pencils, markers, and crayons to color on blank paper. When he has a chance to draw what he likes, the drawing will be a part of him, and his pictures of people, animals, boats, and so on will be unique. Of course, some children are more interested in arts and crafts than others, and some will show more skill. But all children enjoy drawing if they feel successful. And as one four-and-one-half-year-old said, “When you draw and draw, you get better.”

Keep art supplies available so your child can color when he wants to. He can draw on plain paper, scrap paper, newsprint, paper plates, lunch bags, and grocery bags. If you have a variety of pens and pencils, he can pick the ones that are most comfortable to use. Many young children who have trouble drawing with crayons do much better with pens and markers.

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Although stores offer a multitude of toys, you can create kits and play-things that provide enjoyment and encourage children to be creative. The following are suggestions for games, toys, and gifts for two- to five-year-olds. The kits take time to assemble, but probably no more time than searching the stores for the “right” toy. And your child will have fun helping you put these playthings together and decorating storage boxes with crayons or contact paper. Choose materials that are appropriate for your child’s age and supervise as he plays.

Art box

In a plastic or cardboard shoe box, place any of the following supplies: colored pencils, magic markers, crayons, chalk, yarn, string, pipe cleaners, watercolor paints with brushes, small sheets of paper, glue, tape tissue paper, felt, scraps of fabric, a ruler, old greeting cards, Popsicle sticks, strips of cardboard or balsa wood, scissors, and a hole puncher.

Play office

In a large plastic or cardboard file box place any of the following: a calculator, a clipboard, a loose-leaf binder with paper, stationery, folders, pencils and pens, envelopes, paper clips, an eraser, stickers, stamps and a stamp pad, and rubber bands.

Tool box

For three-year-olds and up, make a kit including: a hammer, nails, a screwdriver, a wrench, pliers, nuts and bolts, measuring tape, sandpaper, a child’s saw, and Styrofoam pieces to put nails and screws in. Wood scraps can often be found for free at lumber yards. You can drive nails and screws partway into a piece of wood 12” x 6”. Then, a young child can hammer and unscrew these safely. Children should be supervised by an adult when they use the tool box.

Play dough

To make your own play dough, use the following ingredients: 1 cup of flour; 1/2 cup of salt; 2 teaspoons of cream of tartar; 1 cup of water; 2 tablespoons of oil; 1 tablespoon of food coloring (optional). Combine the first three ingredients in a large saucepan. Gradually stir in the water mixed with the oil and food coloring. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly until a ball forms. Remove the dough from the heat and knead it until it is smooth. The dough can be stored in plastic bags or containers, and put in a kit with cookie cutters, a rolling pin, small cups, an empty egg carton, empty thread spools, plastic knives, or other objects that would be fun to use with dough.

Sewing kit

In a cardboard box or a lunch box, place: cardboard, poster board, large plain file cards, a hole puncher, string, buttons, a plastic needlepoint needle, yarn, burlap, and scissors.

Forest ranger or camper kit

In a knapsack or cardboard box, store: a canteen, a flashlight, a compass, nature books, binoculars, a whistle, sticks, water bottle, a small cook pot, a magnifying glass, a hat, and boots.

Hair stylist’s supplies

In a large plastic bag or box put: a mirror, rollers, hair pins, a blow-dryer (toy or real with the cord cut off), combs, brushes, towels, magazines, empty plastic shampoo bottles, emery boards, play makeup, jewelry, a pencil, paper, and play money.

Painter’s kit

You can use a bucket to store: a hat (which you may find for free at a paint supply store), different sized brushes, and a paint roller, an old piece of sheet for a drop cloth, a rag, and sandpaper. Your child can paint outdoors with water.

Firefighter’s equipment

This kit, which can be stored in a big cardboard box, can include: a fire hat, raincoat, and boots, an old cut piece of garden hose, a pretend walkie-talkie, goggles, and gloves.

Doctor’s kit

In a box or bag, place: cotton balls, a play thermometer, empty pill bottles, labels, paper, pens, an old white shirt, bandages, Band-Aids, plastic syringes, and a toy stethoscope. Some of these supplies may be obtained for free from your pediatrician.

Sets like these also can be made for police officers, scientists, nurses, shoe salespersons, grocers, astronauts, magicians, and waiters/waitresses. You can vary the contents as your child grows and changes. If you decide to give one of these homemade toys as a gift, let your child help with the wrapping. She can color on white tissue paper or newsprint and make her own card by folding paper in half and decorating it or making a card on the computer.

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There are toys that all children use--balls, puzzles, blocks, clay, crayons, and board games--and there are

“boy” toys and “girl” toys. Some parents try to avoid stereotyped or sexist toys and allow their children to choose playthings from the full range available. But other parents are uncomfortable when their children play with nontraditional toys. These parents, who do not buy cars and action figures for their girls or baby strollers and tea sets for their boys, fear that playing with toys intended for the opposite sex weakens a child’s identification with his or her own sex.

Some parents may discourage their daughter when she acts like a “tomboy” or shows an interest in aggressive, supposedly masculine toys. But parents who pressure her to follow traditionally feminine pursuits may limit her potential.

Parents of boys also can restrict their child’s development by demanding only masculine activities. Nursery school and day care teachers often hear parents tell their sons that the classroom’s housekeeping area is “just for girls.” Yet, there’s nothing wrong with a boy who wants to play house or dolls. Boys need to learn how to nurture just as girls do and an interest in playing house is normal.

Some parents who don’t mind if their children play with nontraditional toys still feel uncomfortable buying such toys. One mother was pleased that her son played with dolls at his friend’s house, but couldn’t bring herself to get him a doll when he asked. Similarly, a parent didn’t mind her daughter’s use of war toys in the neighborhood, but resisted buying her a tank of her own.

Some parents who have children of both sexes encourage their sons and daughters to share toys, thus allowing nontraditional play. Other parents buy each sibling a few toys intended for the opposite sex so that brothers and sisters can play well together. One little girl had her own set of mini cars to use whenever her brother’s playmates came to the house. She joined in the boys’ games and her parents avoided the struggles that come when one child is excluded.

When a child is under the age of three or four, he or she will probably be attracted to toys of interest to both sexes, but by the time children are five, they clearly identify which toys “belong” to which sex. One five-year-old girl noticed a two-and-one-half-year-old boy wearing nail polish and she began to question him about his interests: “Do you like Barbie? Do you like robots?” When he answered yes to both questions, she turned to her mom and said, ‘He’s girlish-boyish.”

Parents who encourage a child to play with whatever toys he or she likes - regardless of sex stereotypes - often are surprised when their child chooses the traditional “girl” or “boy” toys anyway. Girls are drawn to dolls, toy houses, and dressing up, while boys are attracted to cars, war toys, and space toys. Girls enjoy playing baby and house; boys like playing pirates, fire fighters, and spacemen. Certainly the media have a powerful influence here. Advertisers clearly market their toys for a particular sex, and children never have a chance to see nontraditional play on commercials. But even considering the influence of television, children seem to have their own innate interests in typical, traditional play.

Given this strong drive girls have to play with “girl” toys, and boys with “boy” toys, there’s no need for parents to worry when their child shows an interest in toys for the opposite sex. And there’s no reason parents should not buy nontraditional toys if their child wants them.

In rare cases, parents might observe that their child seems particularly dissatisfied with his or her gender. A child who consistently tries to play and act like a member of the opposite sex may sense his or her parents’ disappointment (“I wish he’d been a girl!”), may be reacting to family stress, or may be influenced by genetic factors. If you’re concerned about your child’s behavior, keep an eye on the situation and in later years seek additional information and guidance on gender issues.

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