My Science School

       Every day care center and nursery school is different, and parents have to search carefully to find a good place for their child. Schools might claim (as Montessori, Waldorf, co-op, and religious schools do) that their Programs are based on familiar philosophies, but parents have to see how the philosophies are actually implemented. The personalities of staff members, the physical layouts, and the day-to-day programs are what determine a school or center’s quality. The only way for parents to make an informed choice is to observe a number of programs.

       Parents who want a program that meets three mornings a week and parents searching for a day care center open twelve hours a day will be looking for the same qualities. All parents want caring staff members, a pleasant facility, and a flexible program that will meet their child’s needs for the one to four years she will attend. The difference for parents looking at full-time day care is that their child will spend most of her waking hours at the center they choose. Therefore, the selection of a quality day care program is essential.

       As you look for child care facilities, narrow your choices to centers that are easy to get to. If you’re considering nursery schools, you’ll probably want one close to home, while you might find a day care center more convenient if it’s close to your work. Narrow your choices further by asking friends, neighbors, and coworkers for recommendations. Then visit at least two or three programs before making a decision.

       When you go to a center or school, think about the physical space. Are the rooms inviting, clean, and safe? Is there ample room to play inside and is there play equipment outside? Are there places in the classroom where your child can play quietly? Are there a variety of toys and materials within easy reach? Where will your child take naps, and where can she go if she doesn’t nap? Does the overall environment seem exciting?

       Watch the teachers and aides carefully, since they set the tone for the program. Do they seem to enjoy their jobs and relate well to each other? Do you like the way they interact with the children? Good teachers will be warm, understanding, and respectful of children. Do they seem reassuring and flexible enough to let a child follow her own interests? Are you comfortable with the way they set limits and carry out discipline in the classroom?

       Try to imagine your child in the programs you observe. How would she react? Are the teachers’ expectations appropriate for her? Would the schedule allow her flexibility? What if she wanted to continue with one activity when the teachers had scheduled a switch to another—would she be allowed quietly to finish what she was doing?

       See if the teachers pay enough attention to the children in the room. One parent saw a teacher who was so involved with a small group working on the day’s curriculum project that she ignored the rest of the class. When the teacher finally became aware of an argument in the block corner, she was too late to help a child whose building had been destroyed.

       Consider how many teachers there are at the center or school, and the makeup of the groups. Young children need a lot of attention and comfort. Older children need fewer adults, but the teacher-child ratio in all cases should seem satisfactory to you and meet local licensing standards. Are there mixed age groups in a single classroom, or are children placed with others the same age? You may prefer one arrangement over another.

       Pay particular attention to the school or center’s program. Too many are highly structured and goal-oriented, arranged with parents’ and not children’s needs in mind. Many teachers say, “Parents want academics. Parents expect projects.” But when academics are over-emphasized, children lose opportunities to play, experiment with different materials, and come up with discoveries and their own answers to problems. In an effective program, children have plenty of time to explore on their own and teachers value active play and socializing.

       Look at the children’s artwork. Most nursery schools and centers have children do one or two art projects a day. Is the work displayed at a child’s eye level? Are all the projects precut by the teacher? Do all the finished projects look alike, or are they truly products of the children’s effort and creativity?

       Finally, see if the activities are appropriate for the children. One group of two-year-olds was expected to dye Easter eggs in school, but the children were clearly incapable of following the necessary steps. Rather than drop the activity, the teachers did all the dyeing themselves.

       Teachers should build on children’s interests and abilities, not give them tasks they can’t perform. Look for a program that stresses exploration and discovery and teachers who will follow up on your child’s own interests and abilities.

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     It can be difficult for parents to find a teenage baby-sitter they feel comfortable using. When they leave their child for an afternoon or evening, they want to know that he’ll be happy and safe. Yet it’s hard to tell from a quick conversation or a few minutes’ observation whether a sitter will be responsible. The best way for parents to select a sitter is to ask for recommendations, get to know the sitter, and monitor carefully the way she performs the job.

     To find potential sitters, ask friends, neighbors, relatives, and coworkers for recommendations. You also can ask local high school teachers or counselors for suggestions. Good sources of names are sitters who may be too busy to work for you but who can pass on names of friends. Whatever your source for baby-sitters, get suggestions from people you trust. Also, as you seek referrals, keep in mind the ages of baby-sitters. Parents of infants may prefer an older teenager while parents of four- and five-year-olds may be comfortable enough with a twelve- to fourteen-year-old sitter who will keep their child entertained.

     After you’ve contacted a potential sitter, invite her to your home so you can observe her with your child. Ask questions about her activities, schoolwork, and friends. She’ll be pleased that you take an interest in her, and from her responses you’ll get to know what she’s like. Watch as she interacts with your child. Is she friendly, playful, nurturing? How does your child respond to her? One father was delighted when the girl he was interviewing spontaneously took out her keys and jiggled them in front of his whimpering eighteen-month-old, calming the child. If the sitter is young or inexperienced, you may want to meet her parents—and they may want to meet you.

     If you decide to use the sitter, have her arrive early on the day she’ll watch your child so you can give her instructions. Teenagers need strong guidance and limits, so be prepared to tell your sitter in detail what your expectations are. Describe how you want her to handle feeding, playtime, television, toilet use, and bedtime, and write down your instructions so she can refer to them later. Make it clear if you don’t want her to talk on the phone, invite her friends to your house, or take your child outside.

     Before you leave, let your sitter know how you can be reached and leave emergency phone numbers. You might want to write down a list of activities your child enjoys and another list of things to do (take out play dough, read books) if he gets silly or hard to handle. A four- or five-year-old may spend time testing a new sitter and feeling a sense of power: “This is my house, my food, my TV.” Let your child know ahead of time that you expect him to behave appropriately, and let your sitter know that it may take time for him to feel comfortable.

     If he has a difficult time separating from you, you might feel tempted to leave without warning him or saying good-bye. But if you do this, you’ll probably increase his anxiety. It’s better to tell him you’re going and have the sitter comfort him as you leave. If he’ll be asleep when you go, tell him before bedtime, “While you’re sleeping, Kim will come and baby-sit for you.” You also can take time before the baby-sitter arrives to tell your child about the fun he and she will have. If you let the sitter do special things with him—give an extra dessert, play a new game—he may be less anxious about your leaving.

      While you’re out, call home to see how things are going. Occasionally, your sitter will tell you that your child isn’t feeling well and you’ll then have to cut your evening short. This can be frustrating and at times upsetting. But it will happen less and less as your child gets older.

      Trust your instincts. If you feel that something happened while you were away, try to find out about it. If your child seems unhappy with a sitter, try to learn why. You can ask a three- to five-year-old, “What do you like about Michelle? What don’t you like?” Although you may hear some exaggerated stories, you should take him seriously when he says, “She yells too much,” or, “She tries to scare us.” If you’re unsure about a sitter, ask a neighbor or relative to come by and check next time the sitter is at your house. And if you feel that a sitter is not responsible, stop using her and look for someone else. In order to enjoy your time away from home, you have to feel good about the person watching your child

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Every family wants a pediatrician who’s dependable, competent caring, and easy to talk to. Some doctors are all of these things, and others are not. Therefore, when parents are looking for a pediatric they should (to the extent allowed by insurance) take the time to visit several doctors, seek recommendations, and ask questions. Because the family’s relationship with its pediatrician will be a long and involved one, it’s important that parents choose their child’s doctor carefully.

To get the names of pediatricians you can interview, ask for recommendations from friends, relatives, your obstetrician or midwife, and your insurance company. Check with local hospitals and the referral services of local medical societies. Once you have the names of several pediatricians, set up appointments to visit. It’s always best to see at least two doctors so you can compare them before you make your decision. Some charge for consultations, so ask about fees.

When you visit each pediatrician’s office, look around. Are there toys and books available for children? Is the floor clean enough for a baby to crawl on? Are sick and healthy children and newborns separated? Do the receptionists and nurses seem pleasant?

When you talk to the doctor, ask questions and pay attention to how she responds. Does she answer you fully in terms you can understand and does she listen to your point of view? Do you feel comfortable with her? How do you think she relates to children?

Here are some of the questions you might want to ask during your interview: where and when will the pediatrician examine your newborn? How does she feel about breast feeding and bottle feeding, and does she approve of the feeding method you’ve chosen? Does she make herself available to discuss nonmedical issues such as pacifier use, sleeping habits, and nutrition? Does she have regular call-in hours when you can ask questions over the phone? Is there a fee for phone consultations?

As you consider which pediatrician to use, think about such practical issues as the distance from the office to your home, the office (some pediatricians have extended hours for working parents), the doctor’s fees, her procedure for emergency visits, and how her office handles insurance. If she practices alone, find out who covers for her when she’s sick or on vacation, and try to meet that doctor briefly. If the pediatrician you interview is part of a group practice, ask if you can choose one of the doctors as your primary pediatrician.

Choose a doctor you feel comfortable talking to, since you will frequently consult with her about your child’s growth and development, as well as medical problems. You may find that after you start taking your child to a pediatrician, your feelings about that doctor will change. You may not have known at the time you first interviewed her that you would be facing such issues as thumb-sucking, sleep problems, or late toilet use. Now you discover that her opinions about these issues are contrary to yours. She may, for example, be against giving bottles to a toddler, while you think it’s acceptable.

In such situations, parents who feel intimidated by their pediatrician choose to hide their child’s habits when they come in for appointments. They leave their child’s blanket, pacifier, or bottle at home, rather than face the doctor’s disapproval. Such parents may eventually grow distant from their pediatrician, seeking her advice only on medical issues. Other parents in the same situation may become more open with their doctor, letting her know just how their child behaves and discussing differences of opinion on parenting issues. If you find yourself disagreeing with your child’s doctor too often, you’ll have to decide whether to work out a compromise or switch pediatricians and start a new relationship.

It’s not unusual for a young child to handle his pet roughly and play with it in inappropriate ways. He may touch its eyes, pull its fur, put his fingers in its ears, and even sit on it. One child carried her hamster in her purse, while another was delighted to let his pet gerbil “have fun rolling down the steps.”

Parents frequently react to such mistreatment by saying, “How you would like it if someone did that to you?” One veterinarian became so irritated by the way his daughter carried the family’s new dog that he carried his daughter around the same way to show her what such treatment felt like. However, logic and examples have little effect on children under five, who have a difficult time putting themselves in another person’s (or pet’s) place.

A child doesn’t mean to cause harm when he mishandles his pet. He just intends to play with it and explore it, and he doesn’t understand the consequences of his actions. In fact, most children are very fond of their pets, and some develop strong emotional attachments to them, since pets can serve as comforting companions. One child, seeking acceptance after his father disciplined him, hugged his cat and said, “You like me, and you’re my friend.” Children often share feelings with their pets: “Mommy won’t let me go outside and I want to.”

Your child may feel a great deal of affection for his pet, but if he’s under five years old, you have probably seen him mistreat the animal. In order to protect the pet, show your child exactly how to handle it and be prepared to remind him often about appropriate holding and touching. You may also have to set consequences: “If you handle the dog roughly, you won’t be allowed to play with him.”

If your child is four or five years old, consistent reminders and firm limits should sometimes work, but if he’s three or under, he’s too young to remember how to play with a pet safely. In any case, you’ll have to supervise closely whenever a child these ages is playing with an animal. Because watching a young child and a pet takes a lot of time and energy, many parents decide not to get a pet until their child is at least five years old. That way, he will be old enough to take responsibility for some of the pet’s care and will better understand how the pet should be handled.

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Family dynamics change drastically when a second child is born. While parents give constant care to their infant, their older child often reacts negatively because of the major adjustments she has to make. Reactions vary, of course, with the age of the older sibling. A four- or five-year-old will be much more independent and understanding than a one- to three-year-old, but all older siblings will have some negative feelings. The way parents respond to their older child’s feelings about the baby often sets the tone for the children’s future relationship.

Some parents who pressure their older child to love the baby try to censure their child’s feelings: “Don’t say that about your little brother—it’s not nice.” “Be gentle with the baby.” A child who’s not allowed to share her negative feelings with her parents will continue to have those feelings; she’ll just express them in other ways. She may not take her anger out on her parents since she, like all young children, fears losing their love, but she may take her anger out on her sibling.

The older child needs the freedom to express her negative feelings so she can resolve them. If her parents allow her to say, “Take the baby back to the hospital,” and show that they understand her situation by Saying, it’s sometimes hard, isn’t it to have a new baby in the house. Mommy and Daddy can’t give you all the attention we used to, but we love you and know how you feel,” the child will be reassured. She’ll begin to accept and even like the baby once she knows that she can express her dislike without risking her parents’ love. The more she’s accepted and reassured, the more likely she is to develop positive feelings about her sibling, although there will always be some negative emotions as well.

Your older child will begin to feel good about her sibling when the baby starts smiling, giggling, and seeking her out: “He likes me!” you should support and encourage this early interaction by saying, “yes, he really does like you. He seems to think you’re funny and nice.” At this point, she might enjoy helping you take care of the baby.

As your children grow, you’ll have to consciously encourage them to respect each other. When they show consideration, give them positive feedback: “That was nice of you to pick up his toy.” “Thanks for letting him play with you and your friend.” If you treat each of your children with love and show that you accept them and their similarities and differences, they will respond positively.

Don’t make one child seem more important or more deserving of consideration than the other. If you say, “Let him do it—he’s younger,” or, “She’s older, so she can go,” or, “She’s better at it, so let her go first,” you will give your children reasons to feel resentful and jealous, and you will encourage a cycle of competitiveness. And if you say, “The baby needs to be carried, but you’re big enough to walk,” or, “Don’t play with the baby’s toys. You’re too old for that,” your older child will feel anger that will be directed at her younger sibling, not at you.

At times you may sympathize with your older child, but be careful not to encourage her negative feelings. Listen to her complaints about her younger sibling, but don’t say, “Yes, he really is a nuisance, isn’t he?” She will consider your comments a license to feel and say what she wants about her sibling, and your younger child may end up feeling rejected.

Be matter-of-fact about the different things you do with your children: “She’s going to bed later because she slept later this morning.” “I’m putting this together for him because he doesn’t understand how to do it.” If your children are four or more years apart, there will be many times when you treat them differently. The older one will be allowed to watch a special television show or stay outside by herself while the younger one won’t. In such cases, don’t present the older child’s activities as “better,” or as privileges, since your younger child will interpret the privileges to mean, “She’s better than i am.” Discourage them from feeling competitive about what they’re allowed to do. Rather let them both know, “This is just the way things are right now.” Each child does what’s appropriate.

When your older child wants to play alone or with his friends, you may have to distract your younger one by reading to him or having one of his friends over. The older child needs her privacy and her possessions, but at times she also has to give in and let her younger sibling join in the play. You may be tempted, if your children are at least four years apart, to make the older one responsible for entertaining her sibling. However, this is unfair to the older one, who may resent having someone “follow me around all the time.” Forcing one child to stay with the other will probably increase the bad feelings between them.

If they are one to three years apart, they’ll share many of the same interests, toys, and friends--a situation that can lead to conflict. When a friend comes to play, encourage them to include everyone. The child who brought the friend can have more control over the games, but siblings should be allowed to play. Although the child who must share her friend may be resentful at first, she’ll soon focus on playing. If you let one of your children exclude the other from all play, the one left out will develop strong negative feelings about his sibling.

If your children are close in age and argue over toys, try to downplay the issue of possession. Rather than say, “That’s his toy,” encourage them to share and trade their playthings, and provide some toys that will interest both. If our younger child wants to play with something that belongs to his sibling, distract the older one for a moment so the younger has a chance with the toy. Then thank your older child for sharing, even though she did not do so intentionally. Similarly, distract the younger child so you can return his sister’s toy, and tell him, “Isn’t it nice she let you play with this for a little while?”

In Spite of all you do to encourage a good relationship, your children will I still argue with each other, probably some every day. Allow them to work out some of their minor problems themselves and try not to take sides. Too often parents end up blaming quarrels on the older child “who should know better.” When this happens, she gets angry at her parents for scolding her, but she takes out her anger on her sibling because he is a safer target. Try to understand and accept that some arguments are inevitable. And take comfort and pleasure in the times you see your children showing genuine love and consideration for each other.

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Parents often forget that children are active listeners and imitators. If parents use profanity (and most do, either regularly or during moments of anger), so will their children. And children are surprisingly good mimics. They swear with their parents’ tone and intensity, and they use curse words in the appropriate contexts. Young children pick up profanity, which they also hear from playmates and on TV, just as they pick up other phrases.

When people respond with surprise to a child who’s used a curse word, or when they say, “That’s bad,” the child learns that profanity has power. He may continue to use swear words to test out their shock value and to try to understand what makes certain words bad.

Parents are usually alarmed by their child’s swearing. They fear embarrassment and worry that he will be blamed for teaching profanity to other children. Parents also fear that his cursing will reflect on the entire family, and that people may assume such language is used and condoned in his home. Because of these fears, many Parents become angry and react strongly when their child uses profanity. But they should be careful not to blame him for his natural tendency to imitate what he hears.

If your child uses swear words only occasionally there’s no need to be concerned. But if he uses such words often, there are several things you can do. The most important is to stop using profanity yourself. If he no longer hears the words from you (or from the TV shows you let he’ll probably stop cursing. You can also explain that you him watch), don’t want him using profanity, and you can set firm limits on his language. As long as you don’t overreact, he’ll probably give up profanity once the novelty wears off, although during the elementary years he may experiment with it again.

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“Billy, what are you going to be for Halloween?” asks Jane.”

“Doo doo face,” says Billy, and both children laugh.

Young children think it’s funny to say such words as “doo doo,” “pee pee,” “boobies,” and “butt.” The words are not quite “bad,” but to children they have their power. They use bathroom language when they feel silly or need a quick way to be funny and make their friends laugh. The words also provide a way of releasing tension and getting attention. A child might use bathroom words more than usual when there’s a new baby in her family, when she’s unhappy in day care or school, or when she wants the attention of a friend who’s playing with someone else. Using these words often does bring a child instant attention from adults and friends.

Different parents have different reactions to bathroom language. Some just shrug their shoulders and ignore the words. Others are annoyed or embarrassed and wonder where their child learned such language. They worry that she will be reprimanded by a teacher or caregiver, and wonder if her use of bathroom language is a reflection on their parenting.

You should feel reassured to know that all children use bathroom words, which they hear and repeat on the playground. It’s almost impossible to delete the words from your child’s vocabulary. The best you can do is set limits by saying, “I don’t want you to talk that way in the house,” or simply, “I don’t want to listen to you using those words.” But don’t dwell on the fact that she’s using bathroom language. This is just normal preschool silliness.

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“Jennifer, how do you ask for something?” “

“Now what do you say to Uncle Marty?”

“What’s the magic word?”

A child who’s questioned like this may mumble a faint “please” or “thank you” and her parents may feel somewhat reassured. But they may wonder why they have to constantly remind her to use polite Words.

When children say “please” and “thank you” without being prompted or coerced, parents feel a sense of satisfaction. They’re proud when their child is polite in public, and they feel good when she’s polite at home. Children make so many requests throughout the day: “Get me a drink!” “Give me a napkin!” “Tie my shoe!” If a child prefaces these statements with “please” and remembers to say “thank you,” her parents will not feel so overwhelmed and will have an easier time responding to her constant needs.

So why don’t most young children say “please” and “thank you” spontaneously? And why do many parents find themselves in situations such as this: a mother preparing to leave a neighborhood party tells her three-year-old daughter, “Say ‘good-bye’ and ‘thank you’ to Mrs. Miller.” The daughter turns away and refuses to speak as seven mothers stare at her. The mother tries again, then thanks the hostess herself and leaves, feeling defeated and embarrassed by her child’s impoliteness.

Yet, when children forget or refuse to say “please” and “thank you,” they’re usually not being impolite. There are several explanations for their behavior. First, they have a difficult time grasping general rules, including ones about responding in socially appropriate ways. A child who’s told to say “thank you” when given something at Grandma’s house may not connect that experience to a similar one that happens later at a neighbor’s house. Although she is again being given something, she’s too young to understand that she should respond as she did earlier.

Another reason children may not use polite words is shyness. While some children respond to prompting, others are just too self-conscious, especially when adult attention is focused on them. A shy child may refuse to say “please” or “thank you” and this can lead to a struggle if her parents try to force the issue.

Finally, a child may be too preoccupied to say “please” and “thank you,” especially if she’s just been given a new toy or has an urgent request. She has a difficult time thinking about and considering other people’s wishes, and saying what her parents want her to say may be the furthest thing from her mind when she’s excited.

Sometimes parents who constantly remind their child to say “please” put themselves in a bind. They may inadvertently convince her that all her wishes will be granted if she uses what, for her, may actually seem like a magic word. For example, in a toy store she may say, “Please, Mom, please. Will you buy this for me?” When her parents explain why she can’t have the toy she just politely asked for, she may not understand (or not want to hear) their reasoning: “But I said please!” Since her parents want to encourage politeness, they may be reluctant to say “no.” Inevitably, she will receive a confusing mixed message--saying “please” sometimes gets her what she’s asks for and sometimes doesn’t.

If your child does not often say “please” and “thank you” on her own, there are a number of things you can try. Watch for the times when she does use polite words and reinforce that behavior by saying, “I really like the way you asked for that.” If you know that your child is too shy to say “thank you,” you can do the thanking for her, which may make you both more comfortable, and let you model polite behavior for her. And if you’re unhappy with the way she’s asked for something, say, “When you ask me that way, it doesn’t make me want to give you the juice,” or, “You’ll have to find another way of asking.” Such statements give her an opportunity to say “please” or to change her tone of voice.

Tone can be very important. As adults, we’re usually more concerned about using a polite tone than about always attaching “please” to our requests. When your child makes frequent demands (“Zip my jacket!”) you may be so frustrated with her tone that you find yourself harshly demanding politeness (“PLEASE!”). If she mimics that harsh “please,” you still won’t like the way she sounds. But if instead of demanding a “please” you model the right tone, she may understand what you want and respond more pleasantly.

Finally, remember to say “please” and “thank you” when you ask your child for something or when she’s done what you’ve requested. All too often we make demands of children without ever saying “please” and “thank you” to them. When your child hears you speaking politely to her, and to other children and adults, she’ll begin to do as you do, and increasingly say “please” and “thank you” on her own.

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