My Science School

“You’re not going out until you clean your room!”

“I’m tired of telling you to straighten up.”

“Pick up your clothes and make your bed!”

Most parents and children argue about messy rooms because parents care about keeping things neat and kids don’t. Most don’t mind waking up, going to sleep, playing, and doing homework amid a jumble of clothes, toys, books, and papers. They’re unembarrassed for their friends to see a messy room, and they don’t think their parents should get upset.

A child may appreciate a clean room if someone else cleans it, but he won’t straighten it on his own because to him it’s an unpleasant and unimportant task: “I hate putting clothes away.” “All my friends have messy rooms.” “Why make my bed if I’m going to sleep in it again?”

Parents have little success getting their child to think as an adult does about this issue, although they may be able to persuade or force him to clean up, using a variety of strategies—paying him, bribing him, punishing him, or listing consequences: “If you don’t keep your room clean, you can’t have friends over.” None of these techniques is particularly successful. A child may straighten up once or twice and then not again. Or he may clean his room in a half-heated way, leaving much undone. Many kids are punished over and over and still don’t keep their rooms neat.

One of the most common parental threats—“If you don’t clean your room, I won’t do your laundry!” - often backfires. Parent and child stay mad, the room and laundry stay dirty, and the child picks up an I’ll-get-back-at-you attitude from his parents.

Most kids want to please, but they have trouble focusing on their rooms when their interests and energy are directed elsewhere. If parents continually attack their child for his messiness (“You’re a slob!”), he’ll internalize their criticism. He’ll feel upset and frustrated because he can’t live up to their expectations.

The most successful and realistic way to handle cleaning up is to compromise, even though it means lowering your standards. If your child isn’t keeping a neat room at this age, more punishment and harsh words won’t help. Use a calm tone. If you’re feeling tense after a frustrating day, wait a while before discussing clean-up.

Offer to help him with his room: “I’ll do this half of the floor while you work on the closet.” He’ll appreciate your assistance, since straightening up alone can seem overwhelming. Suggest a timed cleanup: “See how much you can get done in fifteen minutes.”

Don’t worry about being consistent. Some days you’ll care a lot about how his room looks and other days you’ll shut his door and walk away. You might decide to ignore the mess unless company is expected, or you might decide to wait until an every-other-week “family clean-up day.”

Recognize that this is a common problem. You probably kept a messy room yourself when you were young. One mother, thinking her daughter was more disorganized than most kids, was amazed to see the girls’ bunkhouse at sleepover camp. Possessions were strewn everywhere and all the campers seemed happily unaware of the chaos. “We just push the clothes to the bottom of the beds when we sleep.”

The years from ten to thirteen are filled with turmoil, and you and your child may face some difficult issues. As long as he generally does well in other areas of his life, try to put the problem of a messy room in perspective. As he grows older, he’ll eventually care more about neatness and order.

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A mother found a stray piece of paper with a week-old phone message, “Mom, call Carol.” Two days after taking a message, an eleven-year-old asked his father, “Did I tell you Uncle Mike called?” One woman’s phone conversations often begin with her caller asking, “Did Jennie tell you I called?”

Many kids forget to relay messages. Parents hope that their ten- to thirteen-year-old will be thoughtful and responsible enough to tell them about calls. But for a number of reasons, kids often don’t remember. A child who’s distracted by TV or homework when the phone rings may not listen carefully. She may become absorbed in an activity after taking the call and quickly forget the message. She may not write the message down immediately, which usually means she won’t write it at all. Or, if the call doesn’t pertain to her, she may soon stop thinking about it.

She doesn’t forget on purpose. She usually feels bad when she lets her parents down, and she doesn’t intentionally disappoint or frustrate them. When confronted, however, she’ll defend herself because she also doesn’t want them to be angry with her: “I was going to tell you later.” “I started to write it down, but there wasn’t any paper.” “I thought I put her name somewhere.” “I forgot. I can’t help it. I’m not perfect.”

Try to be patient - this behavior is very common. Keep telling your child how important message-taking is. Then, to make it easier for her and likelier that you’ll get your messages, put pen and paper next to every phone. Create a central spot to leave messages. Tape a reminder note to the phone. Every time you come home, ask right away, “Any calls for me?” If you’re expecting an important call, consider leaving your answering machine on so you’ll be sure to get your message. If you don’t already have caller ID, think about adding this service.

You may be tempted to teach your child a lesson by ignoring phone messages for her, but don’t do this. When you say, “See how it feels?” or, “If you don’t give me my messages, I won’t give you yours,” you teach her to be spiteful. She’ll be upset by your intentional act and feel that you’ve deceived her. Your tactic won’t motivate her to remember messages. Instead it will show her that when she’s disappointed in people’s behavior, she can act without considering their feelings.

Focus on the times she does remember to give you a message: “Thanks for letting me know about Mr. Johnson’s call. I was waiting to hear from him.” And remember that most people who want to get in touch with you will call back—especially if they left their message with a child.

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“Shake hands with Uncle Jack.”

“Remember to thank Mrs. McDonald for the ride.”

“Please hold the door.”

“Offer your friend a soda.”

Most parents don’t understand why their ten- to thirteen-year-old still needs to be told these simple things: “I’ve been teaching my son manners since he was two years old and he still don’t know how to act!”

The truth is, most kids these ages continue to need reminders. This is true in part because they tend to be self-absorbed and frequently moody. In addition, it’s hard for them to keep track of all the polite behavior they’re responsible for - how to greet guests, what to say to relatives, how to answer the phone, and how to treat friends and adults.

Kids also may be unsure about politeness because they receive conflicting messages. Parents and teachers stress manners, but they sometimes demand good behavior in unpleasant ways: “I’ve told you a hundred times not to start eating ‘til everyone’s served. What’s wrong with you?” A teacher admonished her students for interrupting: “I want you dumb kids to keep quiet.” Kids often imitate adults’ behavior.

Most children display their worst manners at home, where they want to relax without worrying about politeness. Parents often despair when they imagine how their child acts with other people. But even the most forgetful kids are better behaved when they’re away from home. With company, they become more careful about manners and usually remember to say “please” and “thank you” and generally to speak more politely.

One twelve-year-old demonstrated how she had folded her towel when she slept at a friend’s house. Her mother was delighted because at home the girl usually dropped her towels on the floor. Another parent, who was upset by her son’s lack of table manners, was relieved when his dinner with relatives went well.

When you correct your child’s manners, try not to be too judgmental. It’s better to say, “Next time please sound friendlier when you answer the phone,” than to say, “You’re so rude on the phone!” His forgetfulness is normal and condemning him may only harm his self-esteem, since he still depends heavily on your good opinion.

If you anticipate a problem, prepare him. Tell him firmly and consistently how you expect him to act when his grandparents visit, when he goes off in the carpool, when an important call comes, or when he sleeps at a friend’s house.

The most important way to reinforce manners is to model polite behavior for him. If you treat him and others with respect, he’ll eventually take on your attitude as his own.

       Kids look forward to summer as a reprieve from school, a time to relax and have fun. Many ten- tot thirteen-year-olds, tired of homework and busy schedules, want to hang around and “do nothing”. At these ages, however, they still need supervision and planned activities during the summer, especially if both parents work outside the home.

      Without a schedule of activities and an adult nearby, kids may spend the summer watching TV, using the computer, playing video games, eating junk food, and hanging out with other children whose parents aren’t home. Leaving a child alone for a short time may be all right, depending on her age and maturity. But leaving her alone or even in the company of a young teenage sibling every day for several months is a mistake. At best, the summer will be boring and aimless. At worst, she will get into trouble.

      There are many alternatives to staying home all day, some inexpensive or even free. Some kids spend time at a pool, join swim teams, or play in various competitive leagues. Many park districts run supervised playground programs, and there are public and private day-camps, specialty camps, sleepover camps, lessons, classes, and summer school programs. Many of these activities offer bus service or help parents arrange carpools.

      If you aren’t available to drive during the day, your child’s choices will, of course, be determined by location, starting and ending times, and availability of transportation. As much as possible try to enroll her in programs of interest to her or ones her friends will be attending. Kids these ages are usually happiest doing whatever their peers do.

      If your child is going to sleepover camp for the first time, the separation may be emotional for both of you. One mother said, “I’m a little nervous. Actually, I’m a lot nervous.” To prepare her, try to visit the camp ahead of time, look at pictures, or talk to someone who’s been there. Talk to the camp director about concerns you or your child have. Let your child know that homesickness is natural, but that she’ll soon get involved in camp activities.

      Some ten- to thirteen-year-olds want to work during the summer. Under supervision—yours, a neighbor’s, or a friend’s—your child can care for pets, weed, mow lawns, or baby-sit. You or a relative also may have odd jobs she can do for pay.

       Summer is a good time to visit out-of-town relatives, catch up academically, or pursue interests in learning and the arts. Encourage your child to read every day, keep a journal, write stories, draw, start a collection, make animated flip books, learn to type, create a web page, play an instrument, build, invent, make up plays, sing, act, sculpt, play chess, or learn a new craft. All of these activities can be entertaining, but too often they’re associated with school or lessons. If you take a relaxed approach—and if you pursue such activities yourself—your child will find that learning on her own can be enjoyable and satisfying.

       Finally, make time to be with her, even if you work all day. On weekends, evenings, and days off, get involved in her activities and interests. Make plans together—go biking, camping, shopping, or swimming. Go to a museum, a baseball game, a historical site, the library, or a park. Get ice cream together or go on a picnic. She needs your attention, involvement, and watchfulness. She’ll be spending less and less time with the family as she gets older, so enjoy her company now, especially during the summer when schedules and people are more relaxed.

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      Parents want their child to handle his own money responsibly. They want him to plan ahead, spend wisely, and save for the future. Most ten- to thirteen-year-olds, however, are less interested in being responsible than in buying what they want. This causes a dilemma for many parents. They know he should make decisions and learn from his own mistakes, yet they want to keep him from wasting his money. These conflicting aims make it hard for them to be consistent.

      Sometimes the child’s point makes sense: “It’s my money. Why can’t I get what I like?” “If I’m saving up for a video game, why do you care if it’s expensive?" Parents’ points are also sound: “You shouldn’t spend your money on junk food.” “Wait until it goes on sale.” “Get two sweaters instead of one expensive one.” “Don’t throw your allowance away on something that won’t last.”

      In general, it’s best to let your child decide how to spend his own money. But if you feel his spending is out of control, set limits. At a time when you’re both feeling calm, talk about money. Listen to his side, even if he complains that you aren’t being fair. You need to understand him in order to know what will work. Tell him why you think saving and planning are important. Let him know you realize how difficult managing money can be and how easy it is to buy impulsively.

     Together, come up with a management plan that allows him flexibility. Within reasonable guidelines, you want him to make money decisions on his own: “You can spend some or your chore money as long as you saves some every week”. “When I give you your allowance, I want you to put some aside to donate.” If he receives a significant sum as a gift for a birthday, Christmas, or a Bar Mitzvah, give him a portion to use as he wishes and have him save the rest. You also could have him use this money for his first investment. This is a good time to start a discussion of stocks, bonds, and other financial alternatives. Perhaps you and your child could meet once with a financial planner who’s willing to work with a child.

      To help your child make spending decisions, work out a budget: “How much money do you think you need for snacks and movies?” Offer specific compromises: “Instead of spending all your money now, buy the video game this month and the sweatshirt later.” Encourage him to save by taking him to the bank to open or make deposits in his own account.

      Don’t be too restrictive or he may feel resentful and start lying about money and purchases. But be firm about spending you don’t approve of: “You can get a different CD with your money, but not that one.” “You’re too young to wear eye shadow, even if you plan to buy it with your own money.” At these ages, you still need to set clear limits.

       Your child may want to use his money for an expensive purchase. One girl saved for a tennis racket; another planned to buy a CD player. A thirteen-year-old paid for a lawn mower so he could earn more money cutting grass. As long as the item is one you would allow him to have, let him make the decision. You might question his judgment, but he will learn from the experience whether he’s ultimately happy with his purchase or not.

       Dealing with money is challenging, and you and he will continue to discuss this issue. Keep stressing your values, and show your child, by your actions as well as your words, how spending and saving can be responsibly managed. You want him to take money seriously, but you don’t want it to become a source of guilt and tension. Show him that money also can be a source of enjoyment and that it’s all right to splurge or make impulse buys at times and to use money to pursue his interests and hobbies.

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      Kids’ bedrooms are the closest they have to “personal space.” It makes sense that they want to individualize their rooms as much as possible. Yet, many parents are reluctant to let their child do much, if any, customizing: “Your walls have to be white to match the rest of the upstairs.” “Those posters are ugly—you can’t hang them.” “You can’t have a beanbag chair. They collect dust.”

      Kids with creative ideas become frustrated if they can’t try them out. One boy wanted to hang his baseball hats on the wall. Another asked to string Christmas tree lights around her window. A ten-year-old wanted to put her mattress in a tent made of sheets.

      If a child sees something appealing in a friend’s room, she may want to copy it: “Shannon has a neat lamp in her room. Can I get one?” “Alex’s wall is covered with posters and it looks great.”

      A child who feels she has little control over many aspects of her life may fight to make decisions about her room: “Why can’t I pick the color? Why do I have to have the pictures you like? It’s my bedroom.”

      Although you may have firm opinions about how your house should look, at least consider some of her ideas. Whenever possible, allow some flexibility. You may not want her to draw murals on her walls, as some kids are allowed to do, but you can let her pick out pictures or make nonpermanent changes. If she wants to rearrange the furniture or put the mattress on the floor, let her try for a while and then switch back if you like.

      If your children share a bedroom, have them compromise on temporary decorating changes, divide the space so each has room to individualize, or take turns making changes.

      If your child seems overly focused on redoing her room, think about her motivation. She may see decorating as an escape from other problems. If she’s troubled, a new room arrangement won’t help her feel better. However, if her social life, family life, and schoolwork are going reasonably well, you can assume her desire to redecorate is motivated by curiosity, creative ideas, and a desire to express herself.

     There are some real benefits to letting her try her ideas. She may pick up some artistic or practical skills. She’ll feel more independent. And she may become more cooperative as she sees that you’re willing to give her choices and some control.

     Don’t make her promise to keep her newly arranged room neat. If she’s already an orderly child, she’ll automatically straighten up, whatever the arrangement. And if she isn’t orderly, your insistence on being neat will only dampen her excitement. Instead of enjoying the new look; the two of you will end up arguing about her broken promise and your unrealistic expectations. It’s better to treat cleaning up as a separate issue, not tied to her desire to personalize her own space.

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      Many ten- to thirteen-year-olds spend considerable time on their own every day. While twelve- and thirteen-year-olds may be mature enough to stay alone, ten- and eleven-year-olds are too young to be by themselves regularly or for long periods. Some local governments, through their social service agencies, set recommended limits on the amount of time kids these ages can be left unsupervised.

      Nevertheless, many parents feel they have no choice but to leave their children alone. Parents are working, there are few sitters available, after-school care for this age group is hard to find, and alternatives are too expensive. Parents either convince themselves that their child will be all right, or they go off to work each day feeling guilty and worried.

      Few kids, even thirteen-year-olds, would choose to stay alone regularly. They’d rather be greeted after school and have the comfort of an adult or teenage sibling nearby. A child left on his own can become bored, lonely, or scared. He may hear strange noises or worry about frightening events he’s seen on the news. Even his parents’ warnings can be alarming: “Don’t go outside.” “Don’t answer the door.” “Never tell a caller I’m not home.”

      One child told her mother, “I hate being alone, but there’s nothing I can do about it so I never complain.” Many kids don’t speak up. They feel they have no control over the situation and fear upsetting their parents. A child may sense that his parents don’t want to know what he really thinks.

      Many parents never ask their child what it’s like to stay alone every day. They avoid discussion rather than risk hearing something that would make them feels guilty. When he does voice opposition to staying by himself, his parents may say he’s selfish or silly: “We do a lot for you. The least you can do is take care of yourself after school.” Some parents rationalize: “It’s a good time to get homework done.” “You like to watch TV.” “You can get your chores out of the way.”

      It’s best not to leave your child home regularly, but if you do, minimize his time alone. Arrange for him to go home with a friend. See if a neighbor or a high school student can help out, if only to check on him for a few minutes each day. Find out about organized afternoon activities and transportation home, such as a late school bus or a carpool. A classmate’s parent may be willing to drive your child in exchange for a service you can provide, such as weekend baby-sitting. See if he can stay after school to help his teacher, work in the library, or volunteer in the school office.

     Consider letting him invite a friend over as long as both kids are mature and responsible, and the parents of the other child know you won’t be home. However, if you have many doubt (“What if they do something unsafe?” “They might get silly or destructive”) wait until your child is older. Too often, kids these ages do what they want, assuming their parents won’t find out: “We can go skateboarding for a while.” “Let’s make some macaroni.”

      If you don’t arrange supervision or companionship for your child, you still can provide home activities such as art projects, magazines and books, music, and puzzles. Leave a snack and a friendly note. Call shortly after you expect him home and give him time on the phone to tell you about his day in school. Let him know he can call you or a relative or friend if he wants to talk or has a problem. Keep a list of his friends’ phone numbers with you so you can call if you have to. You may be tempted to keep him busy with chores, but after a day of classwork, he may resent this. He needs a chance to relax and pursue his interests.

      Even if you continue to have him stay alone, keep the lines of communication open. Listen to his thoughts about staying by himself and avoid lecturing. If you say, “I have to go to work to pay for the things you need,” he may stop sharing his feelings and instead feel guilty about being a burden. Let him express himself openly. Simply talking about being home alone may help both of you feel less stressed about the situation.

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       Baby-sitting is an excellent activity for early adolescents who are mature enough to care for young children. Baby-sitters learn to be responsible, creative caregivers, and in return for their efforts, they earn money and feel the reward of doing a good job. With parental support, children as young as twelve can be successful sitters.

       A twelve-year-old generally does best with toddlers or older children. She may be overwhelmed by the tasks associated with a baby: changing diapers, warming a bottle, and dealing with crying. If a sitter is going to watch an infant, she should first spend time with the baby when his parents are home so she can practice caring for him.

       Twelve-year-old sitters often want to work in pairs. Although they have to split their earnings, they like the security of having a companion. Unfortunately, sitters are sometimes less responsible when friends are with them and may need extra guidance and supervision.

       Before your child baby-sits, talk to her about how young kids behave. She should know that they often act silly, enjoy attention, resist going to sleep, are fearful, have a hard time listening, cheat at board games, and can quickly get into trouble if left alone.

      Give her strategies for dealing with difficult behavior. She can try to distract a youngster, offer a snack, read a story, or pat the back of a child who can’t sleep. To keep young children busy, she can draw with them, watch a video, read a book to them, listen to music, build with blocks, dance, or make up a story.

      Safety is an important issue, both for your child and for the children she watches. To ensure her safety, check out any casual acquaintances or strangers who want to hire her. You can call them and chat, ask how they got your child’s name, and set up a time when you and she can meet them. When you do meet, try to evaluate their children’s behavior—you may not want your child to sit for difficult youngsters. Tell the parents what time you want her home and work out transportation arrangements. If you’re uncomfortable, don’t let her take the job.

      Talk to her about keeping babies and young children safe. Since many parents don’t give enough information to their sitters, you need to prepare her. Discuss possible emergencies and tell her which questions to ask. She should find out how to get in touch with the parents and with you. She should also know what to do if someone knocks at the door or calls for the family.

       Encourage her to ask her employers practical questions too. How late does the child stay up? Can he play outside? Does he go to the bathroom alone? Will he climb out of his crib? What can he eat? What can your child eat when she baby-sits? Can she use the phone? Does she have to clean up?

      As you may recall from your own days as a baby-sitter, any twelve-year-old can be irresponsible at times. Even if your child is well prepared and mature, she may finish all the brownies, break something, or fail to pay enough attention to a youngster. Keep giving her tips, talking to her about each job, and stressing importance of quality care. If you want to check on her while she works or simply reassures her, give her a call. She’ll feel more secure knowing you’re home and easily available.

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       Most parents had more freedom as ten- to thirteen-year-olds than they allow their own child. Their parents didn’t have the same worries about crime that contemporary parents do. The media constantly expose families to frightening stories of rape, abuse, kidnapping, and murder. Even schools can be places to fear as more children are found carrying weapons, acting in extremely aggressive ways, or becoming the victims of violence there.

       Parents have mixed feelings about allowing their child independence. They want him to do things on his own, yet they’re afraid for him. Kids feelings are more straightforward. Most don’t share adult concerns; they think their parents are overly protective: “No one’s going to hurt me.” “I can take care of myself.” “Nothing will happen. Why do you treat me like a baby?”

       Since contemporary life has many uncertainties, it makes sense to err on the side of caution. Ten- and eleven-year-olds naturally need to be watched more closely than twelve- and thirteen-year-olds. But all children in this age group are vulnerable and need supervision and restrictions.

       In general, insist that your child be with someone when he’s away from home. Kids are more at risk and likelier to get into trouble when they’re alone: “You can’t go to the park by yourself, but I’ll let you go with Brett.” If you drop him at a movie, make it clear you expect him to stay with his Companions: “If you have to use the bathroom, go together.”

       When he’s with friends, check on him periodically or have him check in by phone or in person. If you allow your twelve-year-old and a friend to separate from you at a shopping center, meet them at regular intervals. And if you let him walk alone to a friend’s house several blocks away, have him call you when he arrives and before he leaves.

       He may be upset with the limits you impose, especially if you don’t allow him to go places because he would be alone or because a location seems unsafe for someone his age. When he asks, “Why can’t I go by myself?” you don’t need to describe your fears. Instead say, “I’m not comfortable letting you go there. It would be fine if you were with someone or if you were older, but not now.”

       He may not like hearing this, but he won’t be surprised. He’s heard enough news and observed you long enough to know your concerns. He sees you lock your house and car doors. He’s heard you and others voice your concerns: “Someone broke into a place near here.” “I’m worried about my daughter’s safety now that she’s going off to college.” “I don’t like parking garages.” “I hate to carry cash around.” The world can be a frightening place. You don’t want to scare or restrict your child unnecessarily, but you do want to supervise him enough—and limit his independence enough - to keep him safe.

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       Pre- and early adolescents often behave responsibly, showing that they understand safety rules and know right from wrong. However, they also can act irresponsibly, and for that reason they need consistent parental supervision.

      When kids are away from home, they’re almost always supervised. They’re watched at school, at camp, in organized sports, at social gatherings, and on field trips. Only at home are kids these ages left without an adult for significant periods. And when they are unsupervised, especially if they’re with friends, they take more risks and are likelier to end up in trouble.

       In a spontaneous moment, they forget rules, perhaps because of peer pressure or the desire for excitement. One thirteen-year-old walked to a pizza parlor at night, although she was told to stay indoors when her parents weren’t home. An eleven-year-old teased a five-year-old neighbor until she cried. Two unsupervised twelve-year-olds poured squeezable cheese on each other “for fun.” A ten-year-old and her friends made a mess in the basement, leaving spilled soda, chips, and candy. Physical fights broke out at an un-chaperoned party for thirteen-year-olds.

      Although your child is becoming more independent, she needs your supervision. Your degree of watchfulness depends on her age and the circumstances. A ten-year-old obviously needs closer supervision than a twelve-year-old. But whatever her age, you should know what she’s doing and where she is, and you should set limits and offer guidelines. Your responsibility remains the same whether you’re at home, working, socializing, or vacationing.

      If she has any kind of party, even one involving just a few friends, be home. If she’s going to a party elsewhere, make certain parents will be present. Supervise sleepovers. Tell the kids when they’re making too much noise or staying up too late. If you’re keeping an eye on things, you can end a troublesome situation or suggest alternative activities for your child, whether she’s with friends or alone: “Why don’t you play out front?” “I’ll take you to the tennis courts.” “Come get some pizza.”

       As part of supervision, give frequent reminders about safety and manners. It’s important that your child clearly understands your rules. She may still forget, bend, or break some, but as long as you’re supervising her, she’s more likely to act responsibly.

Parents who believe their child is overweight may feel a mix of emotions. They might be disappointed and embarrassed because he doesn’t fit some “ideal” or because his situation reminds them of their own struggles with weight. They may be worried about his health and self-image and feel very protective if he’s teased by his peers. Concerned parents may not know how to talk to him or help him lose weight. And frustrated parents may sometimes explode in anger, belittling or blaming him for something that may be beyond his control.

There are various reasons some kids become overweight. Heredity and metabolism are contributing factors for most children. Some kids have only a temporary weight problem that a growth spurt will eliminate. Some, who are not involved in activities outside the home, may spend too much of their time eating. Also, when a child is sedentary, he tends to gain weight.

If a child’s emotional needs are not met, he may try to satisfy himself by eating, and naturally, eating habits, especially over-eating, can have an effect. In rare cases, an underlying medical condition may cause him to be overweight.

If you think your child has a weight problem, check with your pediatrician. You may find his weight is actually within normal bounds, and if it’s not, the doctor can explain why. She also can help plan a safe weight-loss program, offer advice on talking to him about the issue, and refer you to a nutritionist.

Before discussing weight with your child, see if there are changes you can make that might help him. Alter your cooking methods (less frying, more grilling), your buying habits (fewer chips, more pretzels), and the portion sizes you serve. Encourage him to be active; rearrange your schedule so you can drive him to practices, watch his games, take him to friends’ houses, and generally make it easier for him to spend time outdoors.

It’s important to plan what you want to say before talking to your child about being overweight. Ten- to thirteen-year-olds are very sensitive. Use a respectful tone and begin by speaking in general terms about appearances: “Lots of kids your age are concerned about how they look. How do you feel about your appearance?”

He may welcome a chance to talk. Find out how other kids have been treating him. Ask if he would like to try losing weight. If he says yes, work together on a plan to change his—and perhaps the whole family’s—eating and exercise habits. The more cooperative he is, the easier it will be to deal with his problem.

You may find, however, that he becomes defensive when you bring up his weight. He may act distant or angry or speak negatively about himself. This is especially true if you are rigid or harsh or dwell on his appearance. He may overeat as a way of rebelling.

If you encourage him to diet, he may resist your efforts, partly out of fear of drastic change: “Forget it! I just won’t eat as much. I can plan my own diet. Let’s not talk about it anymore!” Instead of arguing back, ask him for suggestions. An idea of his (“I just won’t drink soda and eat dessert”) may work. Offer encouragement: “You’ve got some good plans.” “We’ll try it your way first.” “It may be hard, but I think we can do it.”

Losing weight is very difficult, as most adults have learned, and your child may or may not be successful. Even if he loses weight now, he may regain it later. Be patient and supportive. His self-esteem depends on your unconditional love and acceptance, not your evaluation of his appearance.

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Children learn at an early age to be aware of their weight. They see thin celebrities on TV and in the movies, and they look at ads for weight loss programs. They hear their gymnastics or wrestling coach urge them to slim down. They hear their parents talk about dieting or say, “Don’t eat too much or you’ll get fat,” and it becomes clear that thinness matters.

Many girls describe themselves as overweight: “I look so fat in this outfit.” “There’s so much flab on my legs!” “I hate the way I look!” Often a child with a good self-image says such things to receive a compliment or be reassured: “What are you worried about? You’re so skinny.” “I wish I were as thin as you are. You look great!”

Sometimes she truly believes she’s overweight even though her parents are convinced that she isn’t. Parents have to evaluate her statements about weight, especially once she reaches twelve or thirteen. Some kids these ages become so obsessed with “being fat” that their self-image suffers and they risk developing an eating disorder.

While it’s natural for your child to pay attention to her changing body, try to keep her from dwelling on weight and appearance. Also keep her from dramatically altering her diet. Talking will help: “You seem to believe you’re overweight and I’m trying to figure out why. Do your friends feel the same way about themselves?” Discuss physical development and body shapes as well as healthy eating, but don’t lectures or she’ll stop listening.

Focus on her interests and strengths. She may be less concerned about her body if her time is spent on enjoyable or challenging activities. Encourage her to pursue hobbies or sports. Help her get involved in volunteer work, art classes, a school club, rearranging her room, caring for a pet, or learning a new skill.

Examine your own eating habits and attempts to lose weight. If there’s too much emphasis on dieting at home, your child may be influenced in a negative way. Be less open when discussing your weight, put out fewer magazines with dieting articles, and show her, by your example, how to eat and exercise in a healthy way.

She may be concentrating on weight as a way of dealing with stress. She might find it easier to worry about being fat than to think about other problems. Try to find out if something is bothering her. Does she do well in school? Does she get enough attention at home? Does she get along reasonably well with her siblings? Does she have conflicts with friends? Can she occupy herself when she’s alone? If you can help eliminate some pressures in her life, her self-image will improve. This, in turn, should lessen her preoccupation with weight.

Make it clear that you love her as she is and offer reassurance if she seems to need it. She may feel comforted to hear, “No, you’re not fat.” However, it’s possible your words of praise and love will have little effect. If she genuinely believes she’s overweight, she’ll continue to see herself that way.

If your child is ten or eleven and talks about being too heavy, keep a watchful eye on her. If she’s older, take her repeated complaints or changes in eating habits seriously. It’s better to start dealing with the issue now because weight will continue to matter to her throughout adolescence (and adulthood). The older your child gets, the harder it may be to help her accept herself. If you’re really worried, you might want to talk to a counselor or take your child to a nutritionist. A professional can often prevent serious eating problems and help your child view herself more realistically.

All kids are attracted by fads and want at least some of the latest, short-lived styles in music, haircuts, clothes, gadgets, or games. At the beginning of the school year, they may be wearing their pants a certain way. Two months later, a sixth-grader says, “Nobody wears that anymore.” A rock group that a girl has idolized may be quickly forgotten. A sports hat that a boy wants may soon end up in the back of his closet.

Fads are popular because kids want to be like their peers. If enough kids have a particular object, others want it too, since no one wants to feel left out. In the same way, younger siblings desire what their older brothers and sisters have. Kids are also heavily influenced by television commercials and magazine ads. Just as young children want the toys they see on TV, ten- to thirteen-year-olds think that much of what is advertised for them looks wonderful.

Of course, adults can be attracted to fads of their own. But most adults know which styles will last awhile and which will quickly vanish. Children don’t distinguish in the same ways. A child wants a gadget because it’s appealing now, and he’s not thinking about its value or looking ahead.

That difference in perspective causes tension when parents discuss fads with their child. They may feel that a particular fad is too expensive or a waste of money: “I’m not paying that much for cheap-looking jewelry.” They may disapprove of a fad or be completely against it: “That band sounds terrible—how can you listen to such junk?” “You’re too young. You can’t wear that lipstick.” “You may not pierce your ear.”

Many parents try a rational approach with their child: “You shouldn’t believe what you see on TV.” “It’s better to think for yourself.” “You don’t have to have something just because other kids do.” But what appears silly or wasteful to a parent may be important and fashionable to a child. That’s why kids react defensively when their parents dismiss their requests: “You don’t understand!” A child feels frustrated because, unlike an adult, he can’t buy something simply because it attracts him. He needs approval, permission, and money, and he often has to listen to a lecture.

When your child wants something badly, hear him out. Don’t label his request “just a fad.” He’ll feel better knowing he can talk without being put down or dismissed.

It’s all right to let him follow a fad that’s harmless and inexpensive. If you recall your own pre- and early adolescence, you’ll remember longing to be like others. If a fad seems acceptable but you don’t want to pay for it, let him know he’ll have to spend his own money.

When you have some negative feelings about a fad, explain your point of view and then, when appropriate, compromise: “You can listen to that music, but only with your door closed or your headphones on.” If you feel a fad isn’t right, set firm limits: “You can’t wear clothes with rips and holes in them.” “You may not style your hair that way.”

While an interest in fads is normal, your child shouldn’t become too involved with them. If he cares excessively about clothes and possessions, help him to broaden his interests. If he follows fads in an attempt to attract friends, encourage him to find other ways to connect with peers. Finally, model the kind of common-sense approach that you want him to follow. If you communicate your sense of values, he shouldn’t get overly caught up in a quest for whatever is new.

As kids get older, they want more control over clothing purchases and haircuts. Depending on age and interest, they may ask for a little more say or they may ask to make all decision themselves. As long as parents and kids share the same taste, there’s usually little conflict. But when tastes differ, as they often do, there can be frequent struggles. Some parents first deal with this issue when their child is ten to twelve years old; other parents have been arguing about clothes since their child was in preschool.

Most kids decide how they want to look based on how their friends look. Dressing like a friend gives a child a sense of belonging. Specific styles are less important than “fitting in.” Some groups of kids like clothes and hairstyles that draw attention. They want to wear outrageous shirts, cut their jeans, or color or shave part of their hair. Some groups dress for comfort or prefer a conservative look. Still others are label-conscious and like the latest fashions.

Under the influence of peers, a child may quickly change her mind about what she likes. One eleven-year-old refused to wear the jacket her mother handed her. But when the girl’s friend said, “I like that coat,” the girl put it on. Another child pleaded with his mother to buy a pair of decorated jeans. After wearing them to school one day, he said he’d never wear them again because everybody teased him: “I was so embarrassed I didn’t want to stand up the whole day.”

Even without peer influence, a child’s taste can change suddenly. She may get dressed for an occasion; look in the mirror, and say, “This dress is too big.” “I like the pants but I don’t like the shirt it came with.” “I look terrible.” She may think everything looks better on someone else. She may like her friends’ clothes better than her own, even when the items are almost identical. Some kids even exchange clothes with friends in school bathrooms.

All of this can be very frustrating for parents. Their suggestions are often ignored and their purchases rejected: “Mom, nobody wears that.” Their advice is met with defensiveness. One parent told her twelve-year-old daughter she dressed too much like a boy. The girl said, “But all my friends have these shirts!” One boy who got a stylish haircut all over the objections of his parents said, “Now I look like a normal thirteen-year-old.”

A child’s desire for faddish or inappropriate clothes and hairstyles can easily lead to tension. Some families struggle constantly over makeup, shaved heads, pierced ears, ripped jeans, and long bangs.

If you’re unhappy about your child’s taste, set firm limits. The standards you reinforce now will set a precedent for what you’ll accept in her later adolescent years. Tell her which styles you won’t allow: “You can’t wear that tight shirt.” “You’re too young to wear make-up to school.” “That’s an offensive picture on that T-shirt.”

Try compromising on items that are acceptable but make you uncomfortable: “You can buy baggy jeans, but those are too large.” “We can look for that shoe in another color.” Let your child know when she can wear certain clothes: “Those shorts are fine if you’re with your friends, but I want you to wear something neater to Uncle Alan’s.” If a major family event such as Thanksgiving is approaching, tell her she’ll have to wait until afterward to change her hairstyle.

While it’s appropriate to set limits on extreme styles, try to accept many of your child’s choices and compliment her as often as you can. She still wants your approval, and constant criticism from you can harm her self-image. Remember your own feelings about clothes, appearance, and independence while growing up. Your frustrations then are similar to hers now.

You may find tensions decrease if you give her a clothing allowance, as many parents of thirteen-year-olds do. Go over spending guidelines: “Use this money to buy one shirt and one pair of pants.” “You can get one shirt for thirty dollars or two for thirty dollars, depending on which store you go to.”

Whatever your differences in taste, try to keep the issue in perspective. As long as your child does well in school, has friends, and is involved in activities, the style of haircut and clothing she prefers may he relatively unimportant. The only need for concern is if she generally isn’t doing well or if she consistently chooses styles to antagonize you and others. This may be the sign of a deeper problem you need to pay attention to.

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During a school meeting on pre-adolescent behavior, parents were asked to write down the one subject that was most difficult to discuss with their child. One mother was too embarrassed to write “sex,” so she put down “homework.” She later found out her friends had done the same thing. They wrote “chores,” “talking back,” “sibling rivalry”—anything but “sex.”

 Most parents and kids have a hard time talking to each other about sex. Parents find it difficult to imagine their child as a sexual being, and they’re ambivalent about giving detailed information. Discussions often become embarrassing as parents blush and kids try to change the subject: “Okay! I know about that. Let’s not talk about it anymore.”

Pre- and early adolescents are definitely interested in sex. They just don’t want to discuss it with a parent: “I’m not going to tell my father what I’m thinking about some girl.” Kids are much more comfortable and uninhibited talking with friends about sex. They also look for information from older siblings, books, TV, movies, and magazines. Some of what they find out is accurate, some isn’t. They rarely hear a discussion of values from these non-parental sources.

Most parents believe they should talk more about sex to their child than they do. They remember their own lack of knowledge as pre-teens and want him to grow up in a more communicative home.

When kids are young, parents have a relatively easy time telling them the basics of intercourse and childbirth. Yet as they approach adolescence, parents avoid discussions about the details: wet dreams, sexual arousal, masturbation, etc.: “I’ll wait a little while.” “They talk about that in health class.” “He’s probably heard a lot already.” Avoidance is not surprising. Adults rarely speak seriously about sex with anyone, even close friends.

As uncomfortable as you may be, try to find a workable way to communicate information and strong values to your child. If you want to discuss an aspect of sexuality, acknowledge your discomfort: “I feel really awkward, but there’s something I want to tell you about.” “I was too embarrassed to talk about this before, but I want to try now.”

Briefly share your information. If your child wants to learn more, continue. If he doesn’t, don’t force a longer discussion. He may be more open if you talk about your own lack of information as a child: “When I was a kid, I pretended I knew all about sex, but I didn’t.” Don’t be surprised by blunt responses and questions: “Was Dad the first man you had sex with?” If discussing sex is too difficult for you, give your child one of the many good books on the subject, written for his age and maturity level. Urge him to read it, and offer to answer questions he has.

At these ages, it’s important to share your thoughts on relationships and intimacy. Some parents clearly believe their child should abstain from intercourse until marriage, while other parents, looking ahead, are not quite that absolute. Whatever your position, make it clear that sexual intimacy is not appropriate until the people involved are grown and mature. Talk to your child about responsibility to himself and others and about loving relationships. Discussions about contraceptives and safe sex can generally wait until your child is older.

Learning about sex is a gradual process, and each person’s feelings and knowledge about the subject will evolve through a lifetime of changes. When you raise your child in a caring and loving home, he’ll feel good about himself, acquire strong values, and have a positive model for all his later relationships.

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