My Science School

Parents worry about the effect of peer pressure on their child, especially once she turns thirteen. They hope she’ll be strong enough to reject what she knows is wrong. But they understand from their own childhoods that resisting peer pressure is difficult. They also remember how they were turned off by standard warnings and lectures: “If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?”

Peer influence is an inevitable part of pre- and early adolescence. Kids look to each other when choosing clothes, hairstyles, or music. They behave the way friends do because that makes them feel part of a group. Peer influence often can be positive. Kids suggest good books, introduce friends to new interests, and encourage each other to study, take on neighborhood jobs, or be more polite. One twelve-year-old told his friend, “You could be nicer when you ask your mom to do things for you.”

Of course, there’s also a negative side to peer influence. A susceptible child may be swayed to join a rough crowd or do something dangerous, thoughtless, or illegal: intimidate younger children, shoplift, get into fights, drink, smoke, or try drugs.

Kids who are most vulnerable to peer pressure are those who don’t feel close to their parents or who don’t receive firm, positive direction from them. A child may be largely ignored at home or forced to follow overly strict rules. As a result, she may look to friends for the attention and guidance she lacks at home. She also may be insecure. She follows her peers’ bad suggestions to gain a sense of identity and feel accepted.

Most kids these ages, however, aren’t led into deep trouble by peers. A child chooses friends who are like her. And ten- to thirteen-year-olds usually can’t be persuaded to violate their basic family values. They can be talked into mischief, though, so parents have to stay alert. One twelve-year-old snuck out of a school dance, violating the rules. He told his parents, “Scott and John told me to.” He wasn’t thinking about the rules, the worry he caused, or the potential danger. He only considered the thrill of the moment and the fun of being with his friends.

Your child will be less affected by negative peer pressure if she has you are with a good self-image and a strong connection to family. The more involved her, the more she’ll want to please you. And if her identity is relatively secure, she won’t be so dependent on the approval of her friends.

Set limits on her behavior so she’ll know what you expect and what the consequences will be if she doesn’t follow the rules. If you find out after the fact that she did something you disapprove discipline her? Then keep a closer eye on her and her friends.

Discuss peer pressure with her. Let her know you expect her to stand up to the group at times, even though you realize how difficult that can be. Try role-playing: “What would you do if a friend stole a necklace while you were shopping together?” “If everyone was picking on someone at school how would you act?” Let her know that being independent won’t mean the end of her social life.

Encourage her to share her worries and talk about her relationships with friends. Peer pressure and risky behavior will be increasing concerns as your child gets older, and you need to anticipate the inevitable problems. As she moves through adolescence, she’ll need your guidance, watchfulness, and support if she’s going to resist the pressure to “go along.”

Picture Credit : Google

Bar and Bat Mitzvahs are the traditional coming-of-age ceremonies for thirteen-year-old Jewish boys and girls. The ceremony is the culmination of years of general study plus an intensive six months of tutoring and preparation. The Bar Mitzvah itself is a moving and spiritually fulfilling event. As the child reads and interprets his Torah portion, he offers wisdom and insight to his listeners. The periods before and after the Bar Mitzvah are exciting, but they can sometimes be hectic or stressful.

As family members look forward to the ceremony, they may have ambivalent feelings. Twelve-year-olds wonder how they’ll do: “What if I make a mistake?” “Will my speech be all right?” The hours spent on Hebrew and Bar Mitzvah preparation can cause considerable pressure: “I’ll never be ready!” “All I do is homework and my Torah portion!”

Parents feel proud and sentimental as their child prepares to take on the responsibilities of a Jewish adult; however, preparations for the coming ceremony can put a strain on family life. Parents have to support their child as he learns and practices, and help him focus on the spiritual meaning of the event. They also have to take care of the practical arrangements, including scheduling lessons, driving, discussing the service, working with the rabbi and cantor, and reserving the sanctuary. If a party is planned, they have to handle other details, too: invitations, food, entertainment, decorations, and clothes. These responsibilities, added to everyday routines, leave many parents feeling stressed.

Siblings, too, can be affected by the Bar Mitzvah. A younger child may be jealous: “It’s not fair! I want my Bat Mitzvah when Jessie has hers.” An older child who’s already had a Bar Mitzvah may feel neglected as attention shifts to his sibling.

As you and your child approach the Bar Mitzvah, you can decrease stress by concentrating on the religious nature of the occasion, rather than the preparations or the party. Talk about Judaism and your child’s connection to past generations. Discuss Jewish history, holidays, and customs, the Holocaust, and the beliefs and history of other religions. Also emphasize the need to help others. Many families make community service and charitable donations an important part of the Bar Mitzvah period.

Get involved with your child’s studies. Your interest, help, and support will make it easier for him to learn his Torah portion and prayers and write his speech. Involve him in planning the service if the rabbi allows some flexibility. Your child may be able to choose prayers, recite a poem, or pick out appropriate music.

As you plan your party, let your choices reflect your family’s style, budget, and values. You may have to resist pressure from relatives who want you to celebrate as they would, and you may also have to resist internal pressure to “keep up” with friends and acquaintances.

Your child will be feeling social pressures of his own: “I want kids to like my party.” “Why can’t we have the same things Aaron had?” If he feels in competition with others, help him focus on the meaning of the occasion and the honor of having friends and family with him. Whatever your celebration is like, he, as the center of attention, will enjoy it.

It’s appropriate to expect your other children to be happy for the Bar Mitzvah child. However, you may have to help them cope with jealousy. Encourage them to share their thoughts: “Brian’s been getting a lot of attention because his Bar Mitzvah’s coming up. What do you think of all this?” Spend extra time with them and involve them, if they wish, in some of the preparations.

Since Bar Mitzvahs are planned far in advance, there’s always a chance of unexpected events, even disappointments. Illness, bad weather, or family conflicts may interfere with plans. A relative may not come. One of your child’s classmates may have a Bar Mitzvah on the same day as your child’s. If you remain calm in the face of changes or disappointments, he will follow your lead.

After the Bar Mitzvah, you’ll feel happy and proud but also somewhat let down after so much anticipation. Your child’s feelings may be similar to yours, but he’ll quickly be distracted by school, social life, sports, and other interests.

Your final responsibility is to have him write thank-you notes. Make up a schedule: “I want you to write five cards every night.” Give him a set of sample notes to follow. Sit with him and offer suggestions on personalizing his cards.

If he received money as a gift, give him guidelines for handling it—have him save a large portion and keep a small amount at home to spend as he wishes. Some parents ask their child to give one of his presents to each of his siblings. Many parents ask their child to donate some gift money to charity. Being generous to those in need is a value that is particularly appropriate at the time of a Bar Mitzvah.

Picture Credit : Google

Parents want their ten- to thirteen-year-old to act responsibly at night and in the morning. They expect her to go to bed at a reasonable time so she can be healthy and alert, and so they can have time alone at the end of the evening. They also expect their child to get up and get ready on her own each morning. But many kids have trouble with daily routines. In some homes, bedtime and mornings are times for threats, frustration, and conflicts.

Kids resist going to sleep because after a day of school, homework, and chores, they don’t want their free time to end. They’d rather read, watch TV, and talk on the phone, use the computer, or play. Also, as they get older, they want more independence and may argue against a set bedtime. If parents are very rigid about evening routines, kids may procrastinate as a way of rebelling. And some children simply don’t require as much sleep as their parents want them to have.

Morning conflicts can be as troublesome as bedtime ones, especially if everyone has to be out the door early. Some kids, perhaps like their parents, don’t function well when they first wake up. Others may be tired because they aren’t getting enough sleep. If the family’s morning is always rushed and stressful, a child may dawdle to avoid confrontations or to show resistance. She also may oversleep because she doesn’t want to face problems at school, at home, or with peers.

If you and your child argue frequently about morning and evening routines, try changing your approach. She may be more responsible and cooperative if you’re flexible and allow her some choice. As an experiment, push her bedtime back half and hour and see how she gets along, or try letting her stay up later than usual as long as she remains in her room.

You may decide to turn the decision about bedtime over to her. Many kids who are given that freedom go to sleep at a reasonable time. When your child no longer has a rigid bedtime to resist, the evening routine may stop being an issue, and staying up late may stop being so attractive. She’ll probably go to bed when she’s tired.

Letting her choose when to go to sleep doesn’t mean giving up all control. You still have to set limits: “Ten o’clock is just too late for a week night.” Give reminders: “It’s getting late. You have to get ready for bed.” If she consistently stays up too long or is tired in the mornings, she’s not ready to take responsibility for bedtime. Decide on an earlier time for her, but give her another chance to change in a few months.

Once she feels she has some say in decisions about bedtime, she may be more willing to compromise in other areas of her life, including how she acts toward you and her siblings and how she reacts in the mornings. If mornings continue to be a problem even after you’ve eased up on bedtime, talk to her about it: “It seems to take you so long to get ready.” If you want her to get herself up, firmly remind her about setting her alarm. Don’t turn this into a struggle over personal responsibility, however. It’s also fine if you just get her up yourself each morning.

She may always wake up feeling grumpy. Try being patient, but set limits on her behavior and attitude: “You have to stop snapping at me when you get up.” Change parts of family’s routine until you find a morning arrangement that works. For instance, let your child shower last so she can have a few minutes more sleep, make breakfast for her so she doesn’t have to do that task, or have everyone get up ten minutes earlier so there’s less hurry.

If nothing helps, try to find out why your child is reluctant to start her day. Is she having trouble at school? With peers? Is there too much tension at home? Are there too many rules and chores? Talk these issues over with her and let her know you’re concerned and determined to help. You’ll send a message of love and care, which might motivate her to take more responsibility for her mornings and evenings.

Picture Credit : Google

Taking care of the family dog is a big job, one many parents want their ten- to thirteen-year-old to handle alone. They hope that caring for the dog will teach their child to be responsible and to consistently meet another creature’s needs. They also hope that the tasks involved—nurturing, feeding, cleaning, and exercising—will help their child mature and pick up valuable life skills.

In theory, that makes sense. But it’s usually a parent who ends up walking the dog on wet nights, cleaning up after it on cold mornings, putting out food, and changing the water. No matter how hard parents push, most kids don’t take full responsibility for a dog.

Some of the tasks, such as buying food and visiting the vet, are usually impossible for a child to do alone. Others, including all the walking and grooming, can seem overwhelming to kids who have a lot to think about and keep track of. A child may promise to care for his dog, but he’s only saying what his parents want to hear. He’d like to be helpful and he loves and cares about his pet, but the job is too big.

Knowing that it’s typical for ten- to thirteen-year-olds to neglect some pet-care chores may help you be more understanding of your child. Although you may be disappointed, don’t be too demanding. Harshness and threats won’t make him more responsible. Instead, he’ll feel more stressed and angry and may take out his frustrations on others.

Offer to share responsibilities. He will appreciate your help if you don’t make him feel guilty or neglectful: “Why don’t I take over the morning walk for a while, since you’re having trouble getting ready for school on time.” Ask him to do specific, short tasks: “Would you please feed the dog this morning?” Give frequent reminders: “Don’t forget to brush Spike this afternoon.” Show your appreciation: “I’m glad you played with Missy. She really needed to run around.”

Although you may be disappointed that your child doesn’t care for the dog on his own, he’ll still have the experience of chipping in and helping in a practical, necessary way. The real value of your pet is the chance it offers your family to share enjoyable times and feel more connected.

Picture Credit : Google

Parents feel frustrated telling their child over and over to help around the house. They know that what they’re asking—take out the trash, set the table, rake the leaves—is minimal compared to the full adult responsibility of running a household. They also know how much time they spend meeting their child’s needs, driving her to special activities, shopping for her clothes, and preparing for her friends’ visits.

Most parents believe that everyone in the family should routinely help out. They think that doing chores will teach their child responsibility, help her mature, and let her make a contribution. But in reality, most kids don’t do regular chores without constant reminders, threats, bribes, and arguments. This was true when they were younger, it’s true of ten- to thirteen-year-olds, and it usually remains true of kids until they leave home. It doesn’t seem to matter whether they are paid for their efforts or not. The problems involved in getting them to do routine chores often outweigh the benefits.

Kids don’t do their chores because the work is not a priority for them. They don’t care about order and cleanliness the way their parents do. Dirty dishes, an overflowing trash can, toothpaste in the sink, roller blades left out, and a backpack on the floor don’t bother them. A child never complains to her parents, “The kitchen’s a mess!”

Kids often resent chores because their busy schedules leave little free time. A child who spends a full day in school, then goes to afterschool care or an activity followed by an evening of homework, will not willingly wash the dishes. In addition, if stresses have built up during the day, chores can become a target of frustration: “Everybody always tells me what to do!” It’s easier for a child to argue with her parents than with a teacher who may have been especially demanding earlier in the day.

When she isn’t interested in a routine chore, she avoids it. She’ll procrastinate, move slowly, or be easily distracted.  Many parents label this behavior laziness, but it’s really a normal response to something a child doesn’t like.

If she actually does do her chores, her parents may still be frustrated because of the quality of the work. The table won’t really be cleared, crumbs will be left on the floor, the top will be off the toothpaste, and clothes will still be in a pile. When parents express their displeasure, she becomes defensive.

If you want her to do regular chores, you’ll probably have to continually remind her. Try to stay calm. If you use a harsh tone, she will be less cooperative: “I hate cleaning up!” You’ll get a better response if your begin your reminders with, “Before you leave, please...,” or, “Don’t forget to…,” or, “I’d like your help with...”

Offer her choices or vary her assignments. Some families have success with a job wheel of rotating responsibilities. Teach her the most efficient way to do a task. She may resist an assignment because she’s never learned how to do it. One boy told his mother, “I don’t fold the laundry right because you never showed me how.” Surprise your child by taking over one of her routine tasks: “I know you’ve been busy with schoolwork, so I’ll vacuum for you this week.”

If regular chores are causing too much conflict in your family, reconsider your expectations. A neat, well-managed home may not be worth the unhappiness and pressure your child feels. You might decide not to give her routine chores at all and instead have her focus her time on schoolwork, hobbies, and extracurricular activities. You can still reinforce responsibility around the house by asking her to do specific jobs as the need comes up: “You take care of the basement while I straighten the living room.” “Please clean your room before your friend gets here.” “I want you to set the table tonight.” “Give me a hand with these groceries.” You will find your child more willing to help if the need is apparent and if she isn’t overburdened by routine household tasks.

Of course, asking for help when you need it means the initiative is yours, not hers. However, that’s probably the case even if she has regular tasks assigned, since she’ll need reminders.

Everyone, including you and your child, grows up hearing adults stress the importance of cleaning up and doing household chores. Most people don’t fully integrate and act on these messages until they’re grown and on their own. The summer before freshman year at college, many parents are still trying to teach their child the best way to do laundry, mend clothes, and, cook.

It’s right to expect your child to be generally helpful and responsible at home, in school, and with others. However, it’s realistic to assume that her help around the house will be neither as frequent nor as efficient as you’d like. Try to be patient, and reinforce the jobs she does, letting her know that you do appreciate her efforts.

Picture Credit : Google