My Science School

A few years ago, I fell in love with a girl of my age with whom I was friendly. One day she and her family moved to another city. After that I never met her for almost two years, till one day I connected with her on a social networking site. We became friends once again. One day I asked her whether she liked me; she got angry and didn't want to speak to me again. I ended up firing her with bad words. Now I keep thinking about her and my studies are suffering as a result. How can I get her back or at least get peace of mind?

Dear, Looks like you regret the way things happened with this girl and that is taking away your peace of mind.

It is okay that you expressed your feelings and asked if this girl liked you in return, but she got offended and angry. Was she overreacting? Or was it something about what you said or the way you asked? Reflect on this first. In any case, any relationship is about respecting the other person, and 'firing with bad words' does not show respect.

The only way forward is to apologize to her. Perhaps you can mention that while you had no intention of offending her by asking if she liked you, you are very sorry for your behaviour afterwards. Then, remember, it is her choice whether she replies to you or not, returns your feelings or not, or wants to be friends or not. So, be ready that you may or may not receive a response. Respect her choice.

And once you have apologized, whether you get her friendship back or not, you will certainly get peace of mind.

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I am an 11th standard student. My problem is that I just can't study properly. When I start studying I get carried away by thoughts of different things. My teachers say that I am a bright student, and I used to be so till class 10. After that I fell into bad company and it ruined my life. I have lost my confidence, and am unable to make proper decisions. Please help me out.

Dear, Sounds like you're quite upset that your earlier decisions led you to a loss of confidence and lack of focus. Interestingly, you seem to have made the 'proper decision' to change. So take heart and get started with it!

If you haven't already, do give up the bad company. Being on your own is better than being with people who cause you to lose focus on your dreams and goals. And, set that goal - what is it that you want to become or do after you finish your studies? Draw and put it up on the wall at home. Let it pull you and make you feel excited to achieve it. It will make you start focusing on your studies.

To maintain focus, use the 25-minute study technique. Agree to put in quality study for 25-minutes such that you remember what you learn. Shut out all outside distractions. If thoughts come, acknowledge them, and then remind yourself to go back to your studies because of the goal put up on your wall. If thoughts are too many, keep a thought journal and write them down. Then go back to studies. Reward yourself by taking a 5-minute break in which you do something you love - except technology or reading (thinking stuff). Do 4 cycles - 25 5-25-10 then 25-5-25-long break.

Meanwhile, exercise and take up one hobby. And slowly, once you're back on track with studies, focus on supportive friendships. Your confidence will return. Good luck!

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I love a guy and he too loves me. We follow different religions and customs, but we have accepted this. Is this relationship right with all these social differences? Is this love or plain teenage attraction? All I know is that I like him and he likes me.

Dear, You like this guy, but you seem to have doubts as to whether you will be able to adjust to religious and social differences, a doubt that is very valid and well picked up by you.

There are examples of all kinds - those where partners adjust to and accept each other's religious differences; others where one partner gives up his/her religion and customs to adjust to another; and those where the differences are too many and partners break up.

While the goal of all religions is the same, the paths are many. The reality is that these differing paths and their customs can be quite challenging to adjust to, especially if they are very different from our own. Finally, success depends on a couple's choice, the ability to work through differences and find common ground. For this, each person must first know what they are willing to adjust to and what is unacceptable to them. And then work through differences by communicating openly and respecting each other's choices. Else it is best to move on.

You are still young and have a long way to go before getting into a committed relationship. Take your time and get to know each other and your families before you commit to the relationship. So, at present, enjoy your teens and the special friendship you share. Whether this is love or plain teenage attraction, time will surely tell.

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I like a guy in my parish. He used to like me too, but now he doesn't take notice of me. I feel very bad. My friends say that he doesn't deserve a girl like me, and that he flirts with all the girls. What should I do to forget him?

Dear, You feel bad that this guy in your parish doesn't take notice of you. But your friends seem to think 'doesn't deserve a girl like you'. Is it that you still want him to notice you? Think about it... if your partner is someone who flirts with others, how long will you be happy with him?

Rather than trying to forget' someone, it is more helpful to see it as 'moving on'. Moving on means there is a new destination, new scenery. Imagine you have 'left him behind' and get a change of scenery by getting involved in some new activities.

Give him less importance. Make an 'Importance Meter by writing down things that are important to you. E.g., family time, studies, music... whatever you want. Rank each on a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is most important. Rank this person too. If he is in the top there, bring him down the scale by focusing on the things you enjoy doing and being with people you like. Make a choice.

For persistent thoughts, do a 'replace'. Just as in a Word document, you can find' and 'replace', words; similarly, each time you think of him replace it either with a thought of something else that has meaning for you or replace it with a prayer.

Most of all, value yourself. Choose someone who cares for you, rather than flirts around. Don't settle for less.

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I'm just friends with a guy; I talk to him on the phone and he is really nice. We have never ever thought of a relationship. My mom caught me talking to him a few times. Now my parents say that they have lost their trust in me. They won't let me have a phone, and even if I tell the truth they say it's a lie. Often they try to spy on me. If any guy looks at me they ask me who he is, etc. Please help me to regain my parents' trust.

Dear , You're feeling quite upset that your parents don't trust you anymore after they 'caught' you talking to a guy. While your parents are naturally concerned about your safety, they seem to be suspicious of your every move.

Unfortunately, fear stops us from telling our parents about our friends, especially those of the opposite gender. Yet, it is important to discuss with them that you will meet people of both genders, especially when you go to college, and that friends of the opposite gender are not always romantic relationships.

If you want to build trust with your parents, first communicate openly and honestly with them. Tell them about your friends who they are, how close they are to you, how you met them, their backgrounds. Let your parents meet your friends. Perhaps your parents might also want to get to know their parents.

Discuss and agree upon limits and boundaries related to going out with friends; and then keep to the limits you have agreed to. Your parents need to see you as someone reliable - a person who will keep her word, and whose behaviour is consistent. Show them that you can balance your studies and friendships, and you can say 'no' to your friends when needed.

Rebuilding trust will take time, but the more open you are, the easier it will be for them to trust you again.

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I lost my 'aunt' due to cancer a few months ago. She is not related to me, but my neighbour. She was very close to me and helped to take care of me since childhood. She was like a mother to me. Even after we shifted to another city, I visited her during my vacations. She understood me better than anybody else. Now whenever I'm alone I think about her and feel like crying. I can't concentrate on my studies.

Dear, You are missing your aunt a lot. It is quite evident that she meant the world to you, and you are still grieving her loss.

Someone shared a beautiful way of looking at it... just as water changes state, the same way we also change state - from physical to spirit. She just cannot be seen, yet she is with you. She is alive in your heart, your thoughts, and your memories. Honour her memory by creating a little shrine or space with her picture. Keep flowers and light a diya for as long as you wish to. Spend a moment of gratitude and love with her each day and thank her for her presence in your life.

She was like a mother to you, and like all mothers, she would have wanted you to become successful in whatever you do. So, take her blessings and then sit study. Each day, take one step forward to achieve th dreams she would have wanted you to achieve. You know that she loved you, understood you, and wish d you well. So, recall all the advice she may have give you and use that as a guide to move forward. Know the ne is present - like a guru, a guardian angel - with you always.

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I have two brothers (one older, the other younger) and my parents in my family. Whenever I talk to them about my dreams they laugh at me. I don't have any one to talk to about my goals and dreams. I have several friends; one is very close to me but I have never shared something personal like this with him. What should I do?

 Hi dear, You feel quite hurt and ridiculed when your family members laugh at your dreams and are wondering with whom you can talk about these goals and dreams.

While it is normal to share what you feel excited about, think about what response you expect from those with whom you share them. Do you want them to approve and encourage you? Give you feedback and suggestions? Support to achieve them... or something else? Then communicate accordingly. For example, ask questions like: "What do you think about my goals?" or "Please give me any suggestions for improvement" or "Please suggest ways that I can achieve my goal". This helps people to see that you are serious about your goals.

Start working towards your goals today. For example, if someone wants to be a Space Scientist, they need to complete a science degree, and they need to focus on Science and Maths now. If there is no action, dreams remain unfulfilled. Be prepared that your dreams may change as you grow older. So, keep a goal diary where you can write about or draw your goals.

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