My Science School

       Most parents had more freedom as ten- to thirteen-year-olds than they allow their own child. Their parents didn’t have the same worries about crime that contemporary parents do. The media constantly expose families to frightening stories of rape, abuse, kidnapping, and murder. Even schools can be places to fear as more children are found carrying weapons, acting in extremely aggressive ways, or becoming the victims of violence there.

       Parents have mixed feelings about allowing their child independence. They want him to do things on his own, yet they’re afraid for him. Kids feelings are more straightforward. Most don’t share adult concerns; they think their parents are overly protective: “No one’s going to hurt me.” “I can take care of myself.” “Nothing will happen. Why do you treat me like a baby?”

       Since contemporary life has many uncertainties, it makes sense to err on the side of caution. Ten- and eleven-year-olds naturally need to be watched more closely than twelve- and thirteen-year-olds. But all children in this age group are vulnerable and need supervision and restrictions.

       In general, insist that your child be with someone when he’s away from home. Kids are more at risk and likelier to get into trouble when they’re alone: “You can’t go to the park by yourself, but I’ll let you go with Brett.” If you drop him at a movie, make it clear you expect him to stay with his Companions: “If you have to use the bathroom, go together.”

       When he’s with friends, check on him periodically or have him check in by phone or in person. If you allow your twelve-year-old and a friend to separate from you at a shopping center, meet them at regular intervals. And if you let him walk alone to a friend’s house several blocks away, have him call you when he arrives and before he leaves.

       He may be upset with the limits you impose, especially if you don’t allow him to go places because he would be alone or because a location seems unsafe for someone his age. When he asks, “Why can’t I go by myself?” you don’t need to describe your fears. Instead say, “I’m not comfortable letting you go there. It would be fine if you were with someone or if you were older, but not now.”

       He may not like hearing this, but he won’t be surprised. He’s heard enough news and observed you long enough to know your concerns. He sees you lock your house and car doors. He’s heard you and others voice your concerns: “Someone broke into a place near here.” “I’m worried about my daughter’s safety now that she’s going off to college.” “I don’t like parking garages.” “I hate to carry cash around.” The world can be a frightening place. You don’t want to scare or restrict your child unnecessarily, but you do want to supervise him enough—and limit his independence enough - to keep him safe.

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       Pre- and early adolescents often behave responsibly, showing that they understand safety rules and know right from wrong. However, they also can act irresponsibly, and for that reason they need consistent parental supervision.

      When kids are away from home, they’re almost always supervised. They’re watched at school, at camp, in organized sports, at social gatherings, and on field trips. Only at home are kids these ages left without an adult for significant periods. And when they are unsupervised, especially if they’re with friends, they take more risks and are likelier to end up in trouble.

       In a spontaneous moment, they forget rules, perhaps because of peer pressure or the desire for excitement. One thirteen-year-old walked to a pizza parlor at night, although she was told to stay indoors when her parents weren’t home. An eleven-year-old teased a five-year-old neighbor until she cried. Two unsupervised twelve-year-olds poured squeezable cheese on each other “for fun.” A ten-year-old and her friends made a mess in the basement, leaving spilled soda, chips, and candy. Physical fights broke out at an un-chaperoned party for thirteen-year-olds.

      Although your child is becoming more independent, she needs your supervision. Your degree of watchfulness depends on her age and the circumstances. A ten-year-old obviously needs closer supervision than a twelve-year-old. But whatever her age, you should know what she’s doing and where she is, and you should set limits and offer guidelines. Your responsibility remains the same whether you’re at home, working, socializing, or vacationing.

      If she has any kind of party, even one involving just a few friends, be home. If she’s going to a party elsewhere, make certain parents will be present. Supervise sleepovers. Tell the kids when they’re making too much noise or staying up too late. If you’re keeping an eye on things, you can end a troublesome situation or suggest alternative activities for your child, whether she’s with friends or alone: “Why don’t you play out front?” “I’ll take you to the tennis courts.” “Come get some pizza.”

       As part of supervision, give frequent reminders about safety and manners. It’s important that your child clearly understands your rules. She may still forget, bend, or break some, but as long as you’re supervising her, she’s more likely to act responsibly.

Parents who believe their child is overweight may feel a mix of emotions. They might be disappointed and embarrassed because he doesn’t fit some “ideal” or because his situation reminds them of their own struggles with weight. They may be worried about his health and self-image and feel very protective if he’s teased by his peers. Concerned parents may not know how to talk to him or help him lose weight. And frustrated parents may sometimes explode in anger, belittling or blaming him for something that may be beyond his control.

There are various reasons some kids become overweight. Heredity and metabolism are contributing factors for most children. Some kids have only a temporary weight problem that a growth spurt will eliminate. Some, who are not involved in activities outside the home, may spend too much of their time eating. Also, when a child is sedentary, he tends to gain weight.

If a child’s emotional needs are not met, he may try to satisfy himself by eating, and naturally, eating habits, especially over-eating, can have an effect. In rare cases, an underlying medical condition may cause him to be overweight.

If you think your child has a weight problem, check with your pediatrician. You may find his weight is actually within normal bounds, and if it’s not, the doctor can explain why. She also can help plan a safe weight-loss program, offer advice on talking to him about the issue, and refer you to a nutritionist.

Before discussing weight with your child, see if there are changes you can make that might help him. Alter your cooking methods (less frying, more grilling), your buying habits (fewer chips, more pretzels), and the portion sizes you serve. Encourage him to be active; rearrange your schedule so you can drive him to practices, watch his games, take him to friends’ houses, and generally make it easier for him to spend time outdoors.

It’s important to plan what you want to say before talking to your child about being overweight. Ten- to thirteen-year-olds are very sensitive. Use a respectful tone and begin by speaking in general terms about appearances: “Lots of kids your age are concerned about how they look. How do you feel about your appearance?”

He may welcome a chance to talk. Find out how other kids have been treating him. Ask if he would like to try losing weight. If he says yes, work together on a plan to change his—and perhaps the whole family’s—eating and exercise habits. The more cooperative he is, the easier it will be to deal with his problem.

You may find, however, that he becomes defensive when you bring up his weight. He may act distant or angry or speak negatively about himself. This is especially true if you are rigid or harsh or dwell on his appearance. He may overeat as a way of rebelling.

If you encourage him to diet, he may resist your efforts, partly out of fear of drastic change: “Forget it! I just won’t eat as much. I can plan my own diet. Let’s not talk about it anymore!” Instead of arguing back, ask him for suggestions. An idea of his (“I just won’t drink soda and eat dessert”) may work. Offer encouragement: “You’ve got some good plans.” “We’ll try it your way first.” “It may be hard, but I think we can do it.”

Losing weight is very difficult, as most adults have learned, and your child may or may not be successful. Even if he loses weight now, he may regain it later. Be patient and supportive. His self-esteem depends on your unconditional love and acceptance, not your evaluation of his appearance.

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Children learn at an early age to be aware of their weight. They see thin celebrities on TV and in the movies, and they look at ads for weight loss programs. They hear their gymnastics or wrestling coach urge them to slim down. They hear their parents talk about dieting or say, “Don’t eat too much or you’ll get fat,” and it becomes clear that thinness matters.

Many girls describe themselves as overweight: “I look so fat in this outfit.” “There’s so much flab on my legs!” “I hate the way I look!” Often a child with a good self-image says such things to receive a compliment or be reassured: “What are you worried about? You’re so skinny.” “I wish I were as thin as you are. You look great!”

Sometimes she truly believes she’s overweight even though her parents are convinced that she isn’t. Parents have to evaluate her statements about weight, especially once she reaches twelve or thirteen. Some kids these ages become so obsessed with “being fat” that their self-image suffers and they risk developing an eating disorder.

While it’s natural for your child to pay attention to her changing body, try to keep her from dwelling on weight and appearance. Also keep her from dramatically altering her diet. Talking will help: “You seem to believe you’re overweight and I’m trying to figure out why. Do your friends feel the same way about themselves?” Discuss physical development and body shapes as well as healthy eating, but don’t lectures or she’ll stop listening.

Focus on her interests and strengths. She may be less concerned about her body if her time is spent on enjoyable or challenging activities. Encourage her to pursue hobbies or sports. Help her get involved in volunteer work, art classes, a school club, rearranging her room, caring for a pet, or learning a new skill.

Examine your own eating habits and attempts to lose weight. If there’s too much emphasis on dieting at home, your child may be influenced in a negative way. Be less open when discussing your weight, put out fewer magazines with dieting articles, and show her, by your example, how to eat and exercise in a healthy way.

She may be concentrating on weight as a way of dealing with stress. She might find it easier to worry about being fat than to think about other problems. Try to find out if something is bothering her. Does she do well in school? Does she get enough attention at home? Does she get along reasonably well with her siblings? Does she have conflicts with friends? Can she occupy herself when she’s alone? If you can help eliminate some pressures in her life, her self-image will improve. This, in turn, should lessen her preoccupation with weight.

Make it clear that you love her as she is and offer reassurance if she seems to need it. She may feel comforted to hear, “No, you’re not fat.” However, it’s possible your words of praise and love will have little effect. If she genuinely believes she’s overweight, she’ll continue to see herself that way.

If your child is ten or eleven and talks about being too heavy, keep a watchful eye on her. If she’s older, take her repeated complaints or changes in eating habits seriously. It’s better to start dealing with the issue now because weight will continue to matter to her throughout adolescence (and adulthood). The older your child gets, the harder it may be to help her accept herself. If you’re really worried, you might want to talk to a counselor or take your child to a nutritionist. A professional can often prevent serious eating problems and help your child view herself more realistically.

All kids are attracted by fads and want at least some of the latest, short-lived styles in music, haircuts, clothes, gadgets, or games. At the beginning of the school year, they may be wearing their pants a certain way. Two months later, a sixth-grader says, “Nobody wears that anymore.” A rock group that a girl has idolized may be quickly forgotten. A sports hat that a boy wants may soon end up in the back of his closet.

Fads are popular because kids want to be like their peers. If enough kids have a particular object, others want it too, since no one wants to feel left out. In the same way, younger siblings desire what their older brothers and sisters have. Kids are also heavily influenced by television commercials and magazine ads. Just as young children want the toys they see on TV, ten- to thirteen-year-olds think that much of what is advertised for them looks wonderful.

Of course, adults can be attracted to fads of their own. But most adults know which styles will last awhile and which will quickly vanish. Children don’t distinguish in the same ways. A child wants a gadget because it’s appealing now, and he’s not thinking about its value or looking ahead.

That difference in perspective causes tension when parents discuss fads with their child. They may feel that a particular fad is too expensive or a waste of money: “I’m not paying that much for cheap-looking jewelry.” They may disapprove of a fad or be completely against it: “That band sounds terrible—how can you listen to such junk?” “You’re too young. You can’t wear that lipstick.” “You may not pierce your ear.”

Many parents try a rational approach with their child: “You shouldn’t believe what you see on TV.” “It’s better to think for yourself.” “You don’t have to have something just because other kids do.” But what appears silly or wasteful to a parent may be important and fashionable to a child. That’s why kids react defensively when their parents dismiss their requests: “You don’t understand!” A child feels frustrated because, unlike an adult, he can’t buy something simply because it attracts him. He needs approval, permission, and money, and he often has to listen to a lecture.

When your child wants something badly, hear him out. Don’t label his request “just a fad.” He’ll feel better knowing he can talk without being put down or dismissed.

It’s all right to let him follow a fad that’s harmless and inexpensive. If you recall your own pre- and early adolescence, you’ll remember longing to be like others. If a fad seems acceptable but you don’t want to pay for it, let him know he’ll have to spend his own money.

When you have some negative feelings about a fad, explain your point of view and then, when appropriate, compromise: “You can listen to that music, but only with your door closed or your headphones on.” If you feel a fad isn’t right, set firm limits: “You can’t wear clothes with rips and holes in them.” “You may not style your hair that way.”

While an interest in fads is normal, your child shouldn’t become too involved with them. If he cares excessively about clothes and possessions, help him to broaden his interests. If he follows fads in an attempt to attract friends, encourage him to find other ways to connect with peers. Finally, model the kind of common-sense approach that you want him to follow. If you communicate your sense of values, he shouldn’t get overly caught up in a quest for whatever is new.

As kids get older, they want more control over clothing purchases and haircuts. Depending on age and interest, they may ask for a little more say or they may ask to make all decision themselves. As long as parents and kids share the same taste, there’s usually little conflict. But when tastes differ, as they often do, there can be frequent struggles. Some parents first deal with this issue when their child is ten to twelve years old; other parents have been arguing about clothes since their child was in preschool.

Most kids decide how they want to look based on how their friends look. Dressing like a friend gives a child a sense of belonging. Specific styles are less important than “fitting in.” Some groups of kids like clothes and hairstyles that draw attention. They want to wear outrageous shirts, cut their jeans, or color or shave part of their hair. Some groups dress for comfort or prefer a conservative look. Still others are label-conscious and like the latest fashions.

Under the influence of peers, a child may quickly change her mind about what she likes. One eleven-year-old refused to wear the jacket her mother handed her. But when the girl’s friend said, “I like that coat,” the girl put it on. Another child pleaded with his mother to buy a pair of decorated jeans. After wearing them to school one day, he said he’d never wear them again because everybody teased him: “I was so embarrassed I didn’t want to stand up the whole day.”

Even without peer influence, a child’s taste can change suddenly. She may get dressed for an occasion; look in the mirror, and say, “This dress is too big.” “I like the pants but I don’t like the shirt it came with.” “I look terrible.” She may think everything looks better on someone else. She may like her friends’ clothes better than her own, even when the items are almost identical. Some kids even exchange clothes with friends in school bathrooms.

All of this can be very frustrating for parents. Their suggestions are often ignored and their purchases rejected: “Mom, nobody wears that.” Their advice is met with defensiveness. One parent told her twelve-year-old daughter she dressed too much like a boy. The girl said, “But all my friends have these shirts!” One boy who got a stylish haircut all over the objections of his parents said, “Now I look like a normal thirteen-year-old.”

A child’s desire for faddish or inappropriate clothes and hairstyles can easily lead to tension. Some families struggle constantly over makeup, shaved heads, pierced ears, ripped jeans, and long bangs.

If you’re unhappy about your child’s taste, set firm limits. The standards you reinforce now will set a precedent for what you’ll accept in her later adolescent years. Tell her which styles you won’t allow: “You can’t wear that tight shirt.” “You’re too young to wear make-up to school.” “That’s an offensive picture on that T-shirt.”

Try compromising on items that are acceptable but make you uncomfortable: “You can buy baggy jeans, but those are too large.” “We can look for that shoe in another color.” Let your child know when she can wear certain clothes: “Those shorts are fine if you’re with your friends, but I want you to wear something neater to Uncle Alan’s.” If a major family event such as Thanksgiving is approaching, tell her she’ll have to wait until afterward to change her hairstyle.

While it’s appropriate to set limits on extreme styles, try to accept many of your child’s choices and compliment her as often as you can. She still wants your approval, and constant criticism from you can harm her self-image. Remember your own feelings about clothes, appearance, and independence while growing up. Your frustrations then are similar to hers now.

You may find tensions decrease if you give her a clothing allowance, as many parents of thirteen-year-olds do. Go over spending guidelines: “Use this money to buy one shirt and one pair of pants.” “You can get one shirt for thirty dollars or two for thirty dollars, depending on which store you go to.”

Whatever your differences in taste, try to keep the issue in perspective. As long as your child does well in school, has friends, and is involved in activities, the style of haircut and clothing she prefers may he relatively unimportant. The only need for concern is if she generally isn’t doing well or if she consistently chooses styles to antagonize you and others. This may be the sign of a deeper problem you need to pay attention to.

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During a school meeting on pre-adolescent behavior, parents were asked to write down the one subject that was most difficult to discuss with their child. One mother was too embarrassed to write “sex,” so she put down “homework.” She later found out her friends had done the same thing. They wrote “chores,” “talking back,” “sibling rivalry”—anything but “sex.”

 Most parents and kids have a hard time talking to each other about sex. Parents find it difficult to imagine their child as a sexual being, and they’re ambivalent about giving detailed information. Discussions often become embarrassing as parents blush and kids try to change the subject: “Okay! I know about that. Let’s not talk about it anymore.”

Pre- and early adolescents are definitely interested in sex. They just don’t want to discuss it with a parent: “I’m not going to tell my father what I’m thinking about some girl.” Kids are much more comfortable and uninhibited talking with friends about sex. They also look for information from older siblings, books, TV, movies, and magazines. Some of what they find out is accurate, some isn’t. They rarely hear a discussion of values from these non-parental sources.

Most parents believe they should talk more about sex to their child than they do. They remember their own lack of knowledge as pre-teens and want him to grow up in a more communicative home.

When kids are young, parents have a relatively easy time telling them the basics of intercourse and childbirth. Yet as they approach adolescence, parents avoid discussions about the details: wet dreams, sexual arousal, masturbation, etc.: “I’ll wait a little while.” “They talk about that in health class.” “He’s probably heard a lot already.” Avoidance is not surprising. Adults rarely speak seriously about sex with anyone, even close friends.

As uncomfortable as you may be, try to find a workable way to communicate information and strong values to your child. If you want to discuss an aspect of sexuality, acknowledge your discomfort: “I feel really awkward, but there’s something I want to tell you about.” “I was too embarrassed to talk about this before, but I want to try now.”

Briefly share your information. If your child wants to learn more, continue. If he doesn’t, don’t force a longer discussion. He may be more open if you talk about your own lack of information as a child: “When I was a kid, I pretended I knew all about sex, but I didn’t.” Don’t be surprised by blunt responses and questions: “Was Dad the first man you had sex with?” If discussing sex is too difficult for you, give your child one of the many good books on the subject, written for his age and maturity level. Urge him to read it, and offer to answer questions he has.

At these ages, it’s important to share your thoughts on relationships and intimacy. Some parents clearly believe their child should abstain from intercourse until marriage, while other parents, looking ahead, are not quite that absolute. Whatever your position, make it clear that sexual intimacy is not appropriate until the people involved are grown and mature. Talk to your child about responsibility to himself and others and about loving relationships. Discussions about contraceptives and safe sex can generally wait until your child is older.

Learning about sex is a gradual process, and each person’s feelings and knowledge about the subject will evolve through a lifetime of changes. When you raise your child in a caring and loving home, he’ll feel good about himself, acquire strong values, and have a positive model for all his later relationships.

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Puberty is a time of growth and change for children, and it’s also a time of stress. They have worries and questions about their bodies. They become increasingly private. They’re concerned about their social lives and they’re starting to distance themselves from their families. Parents are often unsure of how to deal with all the issues raised during this period.

One cause of concern for many kids is the difference in rates of development. The desire to be like their peers is so strong that pre- and early adolescents who are maturing slowly may become upset and jealous: “When am I ever going to grow?” “Everybody treats me like I’m so young.” A child who matures quickly may feel awkward and embarrassed: “People act like I’m already a teenager.”

Girls are often self-conscious about their developing breasts: “I’m wearing a T-shirt over my bathing suit.” Because this aspect of puberty is so obvious, friends or classmates may tease her about her breast size. Some younger girls who develop early don’t want to wear bras. The process of shopping in a lingerie department may be too intimidating for a child who feels modest.

Another issue of puberty is when to shave body hair. Girls - usually by age twelve - are shaving their legs and underarms, and many boys are shaving off a mustache by thirteen. But some girls want to shave at an earlier age, and some twelve- and thirteen-year-old boys don’t seem ready to shave, even if they have dark facial hair: “Why do I have to shave and my friends don’t?” Parents and kids may end up arguing about this aspect of personal hygiene.

Just as many families are uncomfortable discussing sex, they’re also reluctant to talk about puberty. A child may mention worries about height, but a girl may be embarrassed to share her fear of being flat-chested, and a boy may not talk about changes in his voice.

Parents may sense this self-consciousness; they also may feel reluctant to open a discussion about their child’s body. They are often startled by the “sudden” changes they see, and they’re curious about the changes they don’t see. Yet, it rarely feels appropriate to ask a child personal questions about her body.

Even if conversations about puberty seem awkward, let your child know she can ask you anything. Offer her a book or articles on puberty and treat her concerns and questions with respect.

If you think she’s focusing on her body too much, try to involve her in more activities and talk about her interests and accomplishments: “I love to hear you practice guitar.” “Why don’t you try the cartooning class at the youth center?” Give your child frequent compliments: “you’re a great kid!” “You look great all dressed up.” “It was really nice of you to help Grandpa.”

Give her practical help. If she’s embarrassed about buying bras, bring some home from the store for her or let her go into the dressing room alone. When she develops pimples, find appropriate soaps or creams and, if necessary, take her to a dermatologist.

Talk to your daughter about menstruation to be sure she knows what to expect. (She’ll certainly feel more comfortable talking with her mother than her father.) As long as she understands the basic facts, you can wait until she gets her period to discuss details such as pads, tampons, cramps, and irregular cycles. When she does begin menstruating, talk about her feelings and such practical issues as changing pads or tampons at school and handling accidents. You might choose to discreetly let her siblings know, depending on their ages, that their sister has started menstruating. Be careful when you do this. You don’t want your other children to become alarmed if they see a used pad, but you also don’t want to violate your daughter’s sense of privacy.

If she’s maturing more quickly or slowly than average, keep treating her in a way that’s appropriate for her chronological age. An eleven-year-old who looks quite mature is still eleven. Some parents make the mistake of letting their older-looking pre-teen wear makeup, dress more maturely, and go places without supervision. Similarly, parents of a more slowly developing child may tease her or treat her like a much younger person.

Throughout puberty, she will be especially vulnerable. Try to be patient and understanding. In the face of changes, she needs to know you love and accept her. The more support and encouragement you give, the better she’ll feel about herself and her body.

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One of the earliest signs of puberty is increased body odor. In the beginning, it may only be detectable after a child finishes playing a sport or participating in gym class. As he gets older, the need for deodorant becomes more obvious.

Kids sometimes hear about body odor from teachers who discuss general hygiene in class. Sometimes they hear about it from classmates: “You have b.o.” “Jeremy stinks!” More often, however, they won’t mention body odor to a friend for fear of hurting his feelings. Instead, it’s a parent who first tells a child to start using deodorant.

His reaction will vary, depending on his maturity and his ability to practice good hygiene. Some kids are quite practical. They’re independent about getting ready for school and activities, and they easily incorporate deodorant use into their daily routine with only an occasional reminder.

Many other ten- to thirteen-year-olds need frequent reminders. They have much on their minds, especially in the morning: “Where’s my lunch money? Did I study enough for the math test? What pants should I wear? I wish I could go back to sleep.” They have trouble remembering about teeth, cleanliness, and nails, and deodorant is just one more thing that’s easily forgotten.

Finally, some kids these ages may not be ready—or willing—to think about bodily changes, especially increased odor. They don’t yet have an adolescent’s concern about image, and they can’t easily detect the odor themselves. They would just as soon ignore the issue.

This is frustrating for parents who want to spare their child and themselves embarrassment. They don’t want him to be teased and they don’t want other adults to say, “He shouldn’t let his kid smell like that.” One teacher announced to her class, “Somebody in here has body odor.”

To get your child to use deodorant, make it easy for him. Put the container in clear sight along with his toothbrush, soap, and hair-brush. If deodorant is kept in a cabinet, he may never think about it. Post a friendly or humorous note on the bathroom mirror. Remind him every morning. Put deodorant in his overnight bag when he sleeps out.

New routines always take time to learn, and soon enough your child will take over responsibility for this and the other aspects of grooming. The closer he gets to adolescence, the more he will focus on his body and his appearance.

For now, he’s not being neglectful or lazy. He’s either genuinely for-getting about deodorant or he’s uncomfortable about this new part of his life. Let him know that his feelings are common, and keep talking to him about the importance of good hygiene.

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“All I did was ask about the party and my daughter started crying.”

“Every day my son comes home from school in a bad mood.”

“Why does my child get so angry when plans change?”

Emotions during the pre- and early adolescent years are intense and unpredictable. One moment a child feels rage and the next she seems calm and delightful. Mood changes and bursts of temper often take parents by surprise. A simple question asked of a thirteen-year-old (“Do you think that sweater will keep you warm?”) can solicit a furious response: “Mom, you just don’t understand anything. I hate talking to you!” One eleven-year-old instantly went from happy to belligerent when his mother ran a brief errand on the way to baseball practice: “Why do you always have to stop at stores?” A twelve-year-old left for school in a bad mood because she was out of hair gel.

Everyone feels moody at times; emotional ups and downs are a normal part of life, but they’re exaggerated at this time, especially for twelve- and thirteen-year-olds. During these years, kids go through great physical, intellectual, and psychological changes, all of which affect their emotions. A child begins to think about her beliefs and values. She is capable of considering other people’s thoughts and opinions. Unfortunately, she often assumes people are thinking about her, especially in critical ways. She may act very self-consciously: “Will my freckles go away?” “Why is everyone staring at me?” “I wanted to die when I tripped on the steps at school.” She may feel inferior to her peers: “Why am I the one with horrible hair?” Such insecurity causes frequent mood swings.

As part of the normal drive for independence, a child distances herself from her parents, and in the process becomes more critical of their actions and choices. She can imagine an ideal self and family. When she or her parents fall short, she can easily become unhappy or angry.

In addition, thoughts and emotions that were suppressed or not easily verbalized during earlier years might surface now. She may become very upset about unfair treatment in the past: “You’re always so critical. I can’t be perfect!” Through bad moods and angry outbursts, she releases her frustration with her parents.

There is another reason for mood swings: life gets more complex and stressful for kids at these ages. Competitive sports, adjusting to middle school, an expanding social life, busy schedules, family conflicts, and worries about the world outside the home all affect a child’s emotions. Parents’ expectations also increase as kids get older. One thirteen-year-old said, “My parents make me so mad. They order me to clean up, go somewhere, do something, and they ground me if I don’t listen.”

These are some of the underlying causes of mood swings. And almost any event can trigger a short temper or bad mood—a low grade on a test, a teasing remark, a disagreement with a friend or sibling, any embarrassment. If a child isn’t invited to join her classmates after school, she may come home and shout at her brother. A boy who’s criticized during gym class may in turn criticize his parents’ choice of conversation at dinner.

Because many of the changes in a child’s life are not experienced on a conscious level or are subtle, a pre- or early adolescent may be puzzled or upset by her own shifting moods: “I don’t know why, but I’m depressed.” “What’s wrong with me?” “I’m sorry I get mad all the time.” There’s so much to sort through and understand that kids sometimes feel out of control.

You can help your child feel less confused by telling him what you think is causing his anger: “You didn’t expect to do poorly on the math test, did you?” “That was a tough game.” “Brooke should have invited you, too.” Share experiences from your youth: “I remember how awful it felt not having someone to talk to at the bus stop.’ “I used to be mean to Aunt Joan a lot when I was in a bad mood.”

Resist asking frequently, “What’s wrong?’ or, “Are you all right?” because your child will eventually react defensively. One twelve-year-old told her mother, “I hate when you ask me if I’m in a bad mood.”

While you should allow your child the occasional harmless outburst—everyone needs to let out some frustration—in general, don’t accept rude or disrespectful behavior. Tell her when her words are inappropriate – “I’m really bothered by your tone.” “You need to control your temper.”—she might not view her moodiness or short temper in negative ways. Let her know that her negative behavior will have consequences.

Examine and, if necessary, change your own behavior. If you have a short temper or frequently act moody, your child may be copying you. Think about circumstances that might be exaggerating her moodiness, such as difficulty with schoolwork, tension at home, or excessive pressure to excel. If you can ease some of these problems and bolster her self-confidence in any way, you’ll see an improvement in her temperament. One child began to feel calmer when his parents let him drop out of competitive swimming.

When your child is pleasant or cooperative, compliment her. In general, tell her she’s a “good kid.” And try to have a sense of humor in the face of normal pre-teen and early adolescent behavior. One parent told his thirteen-year-old, “Stop acting like a thirteen-year-old!”

Your child, like most, probably saved her short temper and moodiness for home, where she feels relatively safe and secure. At school, with friends, and with adults other than her parents, she’s most likely polite and controlled. Moodiness at home is a normal part of development. Although it may be difficult for you, try to be supportive and patient.

All families have to work at living in harmony. Blended families, especially ones with ten- to thirteen-year-olds, have to try particularly hard. Kids these ages go through tremendous physical and emotional changes as they form their adolescent identities. In the midst of their internal upheavals, they often react quite negatively to a new step-family. And new stepparents may have negative feelings of their own. They rarely feel the same bond with a stepchild that they do with their natural children. Adjusting to life in a blended family requires much commitment, patience, and understanding from all members.

Parents may have an easier time if they understand the child’s point of view. Because he may still be sad about his parents’ divorce, he may fear attachment to another adult who might leave. He also may worry about losing the love and attention of his newly married parent, seeing the stepparent as an intruder and rival.

The stepparent is another authority figure, and a pre- or early adolescent will resent new or different rules and restrictions. He doesn’t want his natural parent to give up control: “If he didn’t live with us, you wouldn’t make me clean my room so much!” “Why do I have to go to bed early just because Margaret said so?”

When a stepparent joins a family, many rituals and routines change, and a ten- to thirteen-year-old finds that upsetting. He doesn’t want his natural parent to act differently, and he doesn’t want to alter the patterns of everyday life.

A child who resents a stepparent may act on his feelings in a number of ways. He may try to sabotage the new marriage by being intentionally uncooperative and belligerent. He may fantasize that his actions will bring his natural parents together again.

He may use his stepparent as a target for all his frustration and anger: “It’s Jim’s fault I didn’t do well on the test. I can’t study when he’s around.” ‘It’s never fun going to dinner anymore because of Ellen and her dumb kids.” He feels safe doing this because he has little to lose - he doesn’t necessarily care what his stepparent thinks of him.

One reason a child may focus so much blame on the stepparent is because he wants his natural parent to be the “good” one. If he gets upset at him or her, he risks feeling guilty, losing his parent’s love, and facing his mother or father’s anger.

Another complication in blended families is the presence of stepsiblings. At these ages, kids don’t want to be told whom to like. Yet, in a blended family they’re thrown together with new siblings and forced to socialize, have their weekends interrupted by visits from each other, share possessions and perhaps even a bedroom, and compete for attention from parents. It’s natural that stepsiblings feel resentment about perceived unfairness. And if the parents in a remarriage have different discipline standards, stepsiblings will argue about who has to listen to which adult.

In spite of the difficulties, blended families can succeed. To help your family during its adjustment, look for stepfamily social or support groups in your area. They offer an opportunity to talk about concerns, hear tips on getting along, and listen to other families’ experiences. You also might consider using a therapist to help improve your family’s relationships.

Talk often at home. Hold family meetings, allowing each member to speak without interruption about troubling issues. To avoid angry outbursts, set ground rules - no put-downs or criticism and no yelling. Such meetings can create a positive atmosphere and clear up misunderstandings.

If you are a stepparent, be patient as you get to know your stepchild. Ask him about his activities and interests, go to his games, and help him with his hobbies. Don’t create or enforce rules unless you have a good relationship with him, and don’t try to replace his absent natural parent. If he rejects you, look for possible openings. Will he let you help with homework? Can you play tennis, cook, bike, garden, sing, or read together?

If you’re the natural parent, spend time alone with your child, reinforcing your relationship. Praise him when he tries to get along with his stepfamily: “I know it’s hard sometimes. Thanks for trying.” Be realistic in your expectations for the relationship between him and your child. Tell him how you’d like him to act and remind him, if necessary, that disrespectful behavior is not acceptable: “We don’t treat you that way and we don’t want you treating us that way.” Take on the role of disciplinarian for him, rather than leaving that responsibility to your new spouse.

Be sensitive to the difficulty stepsiblings have with their arrangements. It takes time for kids to adjust to each other. Sometimes ask them for suggestions about getting along and dealing with conflicts.

As you adjust to your blended family, it’s important that your marriage remain loving and stable. Remarriages are often difficult, and stepfamily tension coupled with everyday stress can be very disruptive. If you put time and effort into your relationship with your spouse, you will not only strengthen the bonds of your marriage, but your bonds with your child as well. When he sees that you love and enjoy each other, he may try harder to accept his situation. And he may realize that his anger and stubbornness are causing him to miss out on a satisfying family life.

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It’s common for kids to have a hard time if their single parent begins to date. They may complain, sulk, or otherwise act out their discomfort and unhappiness. One girl told her mother, “When you go out with a man, it’s worse than the divorce!” Another child cried whenever she saw either of her parents with a new companion.

Parents who are looking forward to resuming their social lives may resent this display of anger and sadness: “Don’t ruin things. I need a life too. It’s not my fault your father left me.” While parents can understand some of their child’s unhappiness, they’re often surprised by the depth of her negative feelings.

Most children resent their parents’ dating because they believe it makes a family reconciliation less likely. Ten- to thirteen-year-olds may still think that they can bring their parents back together, or that their parents will re-unite on their own. A child may act rudely to her parents’ dates in hopes of discouraging relationships outside the original family.

She also may worry about receiving less attention once her parent begins dating. In a sense, she feels abandoned as her single parent focuses time and energy on a new companion. A date is an intruder and a threat.

Sometimes a child remains distant toward her parents’ dates because she fears involvement: “I think this guy will walk out on us like my dad did.” The child doesn’t want her parent to get hurt, and she doesn’t want to get hurt herself. Depending on the circumstances of the divorce, she may fear that her parent won’t be loyal to the new companion.

Finally, she may be uncomfortable with her parents’ social life because she herself is becoming interested in dating. Twelve- and thirteen-year-olds who are discovering their own sexual and romantic feelings dislike imagining that their parents might have similar thoughts.

To deal with your child’s worries, keep the lines of communication open if you start dating. Find out what she thinks, even if you’d rather not know. She’ll feel better talking openly about her concerns. Acknowledge your difficulties: “This is awkward, isn’t it?” “How can I help you feel better about my dating?” Imagine yourself in her place - it might help you understand and be more patient.

When you begin to date someone, meet him or her at a location other than your home. There’s no point in upsetting your child by having her greet the people you go out with.

Before bringing dates home, tell them about your child and offer advice on dealing with her. If they seem overly friendly, she may withdraw. Brief, casual contact is best. If dates show a genuine interest in her, she may respond favorably, although she may not want to spend much time with them. If they complement you or act affectionate in her presence, she may feel threatened and worry about losing you.

Don’t have a date spend the night at your house. Your child will feel embarrassed and awkward knowing that you’re sleeping with someone in the family’s home. In addition, she’ll be negatively influenced by what goes on. She’s looking to you as a model, and eventually she’ll copy you. If you want her to have good values as she enters adolescence, don’t expose her to sleepovers.

As you continue to date, you may be tempted to ask your child for acceptance or even advice. But don’t expect too much. She won’t be able to understand or validate your social life. She’s more likely to be uncooperative since she’d prefer that you didn’t go out. If your expectations are unrealistic, you’ll only become frustrated and angry.

You’ll have to work hard at helping her adjust. The more time you spend talking with her, being with her, and building a positive relationship, the easier that adjustment may be. If your dating takes time and attention away from her, you and she will be in conflict. If she has unusual difficulty with your dating, she may need extra support, including a therapy group.

Once you understand the problems your dating can cause, you may want to consider an option some parents have chosen: not dating until your children are older or even grown. Certainly this involves a sacrifice and may seem an unusual alternative. But the years of active parenting go quickly and you may find that putting your energy into family life, especially after a divorce, will have lasting benefits while still leaving you time for personal intimacy later.

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Parents don’t want the breakup of their marriage to harm their child. Before divorce, many parents seek advice from a family therapist about minimizing their child’s suffering. During and after the divorce, most parents’ love and concern for their child remain unchanged. Yet, the stress of divorce can be so intense that parents eventually find it hard to keep concentrating on their child’s needs.

Divorce is almost always devastating for kids. Many parents want to believe their child will bounce back: “Kids are so resilient.” “He’ll get over it after a little while.” But children don’t recover easily. Some may seem unaffected simply because they have busy schedules and many distractions. Others keep their feelings to themselves for fear of further upsetting or angering their parents. A child who is confused, ashamed, or embarrassed may hide or deny his feelings rather than talk about this tough issue. And many emotions are repressed.

            What a child of divorce feels is sadness, anger, hurt, and sometimes a sense of abandonment. Even if he was exposed to frequent turmoil when his parents were together, he usually won’t greet the divorce with relief. Almost all kids want their family to stay together, and they feel powerless when they can’t make their wish come true. One twelve-year-old whose parents had been separated for a year told her friend, “For my birthday I don’t want any presents. I just want my family to have dinner together again.” A ten-year-old wrote a note to a classmate: “You’re always happy. Is that because your parents aren’t divorced?”

After divorce, a child is often expected to behave more maturely than before, take care of himself, assume some of the absent parent’s responsibilities, or provide emotional support to the parent at home. These are impossible burdens for any child who finds the condition of his family life and the state of his childhood dramatically changed.

Even the most comfortable parts of a child’s life may suddenly become stressful after divorce. Dinner and bedtime may be awkward. Family celebrations may be uncomfortable, and relationships with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins may be strained or even cut off.

If parents are very angry about the divorce, all aspects of a child’s everyday life will be affected. Some parents may coerce their child into taking sides, leaving him feeling guilty, disloyal, and resentful. If he does blame one parent for the breakup, he may idealize the other one, praising him or her in the presence of the “bad” parent.

All these potentially negative experiences, if not dealt with carefully by parents, can cause great emotional harm. A child may develop a poor self-image, distrust, a pessimistic outlook, or depression. He also may have trouble in school or with peers and siblings.

During and following a divorce, parents have to commit themselves to putting their child’s needs first - to consistently giving love and attention and being deeply involved in his life. He needs extra affection and understanding during and after a breakup, and he needs both of his parents to be nurturers and role models.

Parents have to refrain from speaking ill of each other in their child’s presence. The parent who does not live with the child has to have frequent contact, drive carpools, go to his special events, and help with homework. If a parent does not stay involved, the child will feel rejected and unworthy of love.

To help your child through divorce, encourage him to talk. Let him know he can share his worries, anger, and questions. You’ll find out what he’s thinking and you can clear up confusion: “No, we aren’t going to move. We’re staying right here in our house.”

Offer information and answer his questions. He’ll want to know about changes. Will he still go on vacations and visit relatives? Where will the other parent live? What should he tell his friends? Who will he celebrate holidays with? You should raise these issues if he doesn’t bring them up. He’ll feel less worried knowing you and he can talk openly.

Don’t expect too much from him. He won’t be any better at making decisions or being responsible than he was before your divorce. He’s still a child and his needs should come before yours or your ex-spouse’s. If the practical side of parenting seems overwhelming, simplify your life to make more time for your child. Have easy meals, let some housekeeping chores go, cut back on outside commitments.

Encourage him to stay in touch with your ex-spouse’s relatives. Continuing his relationship with grandparents and cousins will help him feel part of an extended family.

Over time your child may begin to understand and accept his situation, although it will be difficult for years, perhaps for the rest of his life. He’ll probably continue to wish there had never been a divorce. As a parent, you have to understand that your divorce will inevitably cause your child hurt and pain. Your attention and consistent understanding are needed to help your child with his emotions.

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“Don’t come in when you pick me up at school.”

“Please don’t be a chaperone.”

“We can’t go to the mall together - my friends might be there.”

Twelve- and thirteen-year-olds are easily embarrassed by their parents. They may feel humiliated by anything their parents do in public, such as laugh out loud, cheer at a game, sneeze, wave, or simply stand around. Parents may put up with their child’s embarrassment and even be amused by it for a while. But sometimes they find it annoying to be warned off, criticized, and ignored.

A child this age is self-conscious and uncertain about her own behavior. She can easily extend her self-consciousness to include her behavior parents' behavior, feeling that what they do reflects on her. If her parents “make a mistake,” she worries that her friends will think less of her. One father, out with his son, said, “Hi Andy,” to a child whose name was really Annie. Annie didn’t mind, but the son was extremely embarrassed: “When you said the wrong name it made me feel dumb.”

Being part of the group is very important to twelve- and thirteen-year-olds. They are becoming increasingly independent of their parents and want to spend more time with their peers. A child wants to act the way her friends do, which is different from the way she acts at home. When her friends and her parents are together, even briefly, she feels embarrassed and awkward. She doesn’t want her parents to see her joke around and relate to her peers, especially those of the opposite sex. And she doesn’t want her friends to see how she behaves with her family. One child was invited to a Bar Mitzvah along with her parents. She told them, “I’m not going to like this. I can’t dance if you’re there looking at me.”

A child cares a great deal about her friends’ opinions, including their opinion of her parents. It’s hard to convince her that her peers are emotionally removed from all parents but their own—she still feels that her parents are the focus of attention. And even if her parents are young in spirit, have a good relationship with her, and are comfortable with her friends, she’ll continue to worry.

You may think your child’s embarrassment is silly. But she’s showing common early adolescent thinking and behavior. You probably can remember similar feelings about your own parents. One mother told her grown daughter, “You used to be just like Erica is. You always wanted me to walk three feet in front of you.” If you and your child discuss the issue honestly, you will probably hear that she likes being with you at home or at activities where parents are usually involved, such as watching a game or eating out. She just doesn’t want to be with you in front of her friends.

You can try modifying some of your behavior to show respect for her feelings. If she doesn’t want you to tell jokes when her friends are present go along with her. However, if her embarrassment is consistently excessive, let her know you will have to be together in public at times. You should continue to talk to her friends when you see them.

Don’t try to lessen her embarrassment by becoming “friends” with her and her peers. Dressing, talking, or behaving like an adolescent is not appropriate. She needs to feel separate from you. Work on building a positive relationship with her by talking, showing an interest, guiding her, and respecting her.

While the majority of children feel embarrassment over minor incidents, some have to deal with seriously embarrassing situations involving irresponsible parents. If your family is experiencing complex problems, your child - and the rest of the family - can benefit from professional help.

In most cases, however, embarrassment is short-lived and nothing to worry about. Once your child gains more independence and experience socializing, her comfort with you will increase.

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“Leave me alone!”

“I want to be by myself.”

As kids get older, their desire for privacy increases. Ten- and eleven-year-olds like occasional time alone, but many twelve- and thirteen-year-olds spend considerable time by themselves. This is a natural consequence of their growing independence; however, some parents find it troubling: “It doesn’t seem right when my daughter goes off to her room. It feels like she’s rejecting the whole family.” Parents remember how their young child used to follow them and how he felt most comfortable and secure when they were close by. They may wonder why he now wants to spend so much time on his own.

Kids often go into their bedrooms and shut the door because they want to relax in a quiet atmosphere. Some read, listen to music, draw, or organize baseball cards. Some enjoy private time in a room playing a video game, watching TV, using a computer, or talking on the telephone. Going off by themselves, kids are able to get away from the stresses and noise of younger siblings and household activities.

Kids also seek privacy to get away from adult demands. After a day spent with teachers and coaches, parents’ questions and expectations can seem overwhelming. And in some families, when a child is in sight, he’s given spontaneous chores: “As long as you’re in the kitchen, please set the table.” “Take Katie out to play.” “Help me straighten the family room.” A child learns that if he goes right to his room he’s less likely to receive added responsibilities.

In some cases, he may isolate himself in an attempt to escape from problems. He may be having trouble making friends or keeping up with schoolwork. He also may be retreating from family conflicts. Time alone can offer a short reprieve from difficulties, but parents should be concerned if he shows signs of depression, such as eating less, sleeping more, losing interest in friends and activities, moping, or appearing sad or angry.

If you’re worried about your child’s excessive desire for privacy, talk to him about your concerns. You may discover that he goes to his room out of habit, and your reminders may be enough to change his behavior. You may learn that he’s upset about school and homework or that he feels pressured by responsibilities or arguments at home. Try to decrease his stress - offer help with assignments, time with a tutor, fewer demands. Provide encouragement and positive attention.

As long as his time alone is not excessive, respect his wish for privacy and, if necessary, help him out. Ask younger siblings to keep their distance for short while. Allow him free time during the day. If your children share a bedroom, have them work out a schedule for time alone, or let each spend periods by himself in another room. If you allow your child adequate privacy, he’ll probably balance that by spending time with family and friends.

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