My Science School

When kids complain “I never get to do anything good,” parents some-times react with anger and frustration: “So we’re horrible parents.” “Maybe you should go live with Ray if you think his parents treat him so much better.” “Why don’t you stop feeling sorry for yourself? You do a whole lot more than I did when I was a kid.”

Kids these ages want permission to do what their friends are doing, whether it’s staying out later, wearing makeup, seeing certain movies, or going to an unchaperoned party. They aren’t thinking about safety, arrangements, costs, or their parents’ values. And when they complain, they’re not deliberately trying to hurt their parent’s feelings or act in inconsiderate ways. They’re simply focusing on their need to be part of the group.

When a child repeatedly makes requests that his parents consider unreasonable, they may feel upset not only with him but with his friends. Parents wonder if their child is too dependent on his peers, and they worry that particular friends may be bad influences: “I don’t trust Jose’s judgment. I don’t want you playing inside his house.”

Parents also become frustrated with other parents, especially those they believe are too lenient. One mother refused to let her eleven-year-old walk around a mall with a classmate who was allowed to spend hours at the shopping center unsupervised: “I don’t care if Angela’s mother lets her go by herself. I’m not comfortable letting you wander in the mall without an adult.”

If your child complains about the restrictions you impose, try to listen patiently without responding immediately. He may just need to vent his feelings: “It’s not fair! I’m always the first one who has to go home.” “You’re too protective. You worry all the time.” He may not argue as much with your decisions if he feels heard.

Avoid angry defensive statements, even if you feel unfairly attacked. When he says, “You never let me do anything,” explain why you’re refusing permission for a particular activity; if your refusal is non-negotiable, let him know that there’s no point in trying to persuade you: “Every family is different. These are our family’s rules.”

Offer acceptable alternative activities: “Call Jay and ask if he can come over.” “See if you can find a friend who’d like to go to the pool.” “Let’s stop at the video store so you can get something to watch.”

Periodically re-evaluate your rules, and gradually allow him more freedom as he gets older. But as you ease some restrictions, continue to give firm direction: “Stay with your friends.” “Check in with me.” And continue to say no to things that seem unsafe or inappropriate. Throughout these pre- and early adolescent years, your child needs clear limits, guidelines, and supervision.

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Parents worry about the effect of peer pressure on their child, especially once she turns thirteen. They hope she’ll be strong enough to reject what she knows is wrong. But they understand from their own childhoods that resisting peer pressure is difficult. They also remember how they were turned off by standard warnings and lectures: “If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?”

Peer influence is an inevitable part of pre- and early adolescence. Kids look to each other when choosing clothes, hairstyles, or music. They behave the way friends do because that makes them feel part of a group. Peer influence often can be positive. Kids suggest good books, introduce friends to new interests, and encourage each other to study, take on neighborhood jobs, or be more polite. One twelve-year-old told his friend, “You could be nicer when you ask your mom to do things for you.”

Of course, there’s also a negative side to peer influence. A susceptible child may be swayed to join a rough crowd or do something dangerous, thoughtless, or illegal: intimidate younger children, shoplift, get into fights, drink, smoke, or try drugs.

Kids who are most vulnerable to peer pressure are those who don’t feel close to their parents or who don’t receive firm, positive direction from them. A child may be largely ignored at home or forced to follow overly strict rules. As a result, she may look to friends for the attention and guidance she lacks at home. She also may be insecure. She follows her peers’ bad suggestions to gain a sense of identity and feel accepted.

Most kids these ages, however, aren’t led into deep trouble by peers. A child chooses friends who are like her. And ten- to thirteen-year-olds usually can’t be persuaded to violate their basic family values. They can be talked into mischief, though, so parents have to stay alert. One twelve-year-old snuck out of a school dance, violating the rules. He told his parents, “Scott and John told me to.” He wasn’t thinking about the rules, the worry he caused, or the potential danger. He only considered the thrill of the moment and the fun of being with his friends.

Your child will be less affected by negative peer pressure if she has you are with a good self-image and a strong connection to family. The more involved her, the more she’ll want to please you. And if her identity is relatively secure, she won’t be so dependent on the approval of her friends.

Set limits on her behavior so she’ll know what you expect and what the consequences will be if she doesn’t follow the rules. If you find out after the fact that she did something you disapprove discipline her? Then keep a closer eye on her and her friends.

Discuss peer pressure with her. Let her know you expect her to stand up to the group at times, even though you realize how difficult that can be. Try role-playing: “What would you do if a friend stole a necklace while you were shopping together?” “If everyone was picking on someone at school how would you act?” Let her know that being independent won’t mean the end of her social life.

Encourage her to share her worries and talk about her relationships with friends. Peer pressure and risky behavior will be increasing concerns as your child gets older, and you need to anticipate the inevitable problems. As she moves through adolescence, she’ll need your guidance, watchfulness, and support if she’s going to resist the pressure to “go along.”

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Bar and Bat Mitzvahs are the traditional coming-of-age ceremonies for thirteen-year-old Jewish boys and girls. The ceremony is the culmination of years of general study plus an intensive six months of tutoring and preparation. The Bar Mitzvah itself is a moving and spiritually fulfilling event. As the child reads and interprets his Torah portion, he offers wisdom and insight to his listeners. The periods before and after the Bar Mitzvah are exciting, but they can sometimes be hectic or stressful.

As family members look forward to the ceremony, they may have ambivalent feelings. Twelve-year-olds wonder how they’ll do: “What if I make a mistake?” “Will my speech be all right?” The hours spent on Hebrew and Bar Mitzvah preparation can cause considerable pressure: “I’ll never be ready!” “All I do is homework and my Torah portion!”

Parents feel proud and sentimental as their child prepares to take on the responsibilities of a Jewish adult; however, preparations for the coming ceremony can put a strain on family life. Parents have to support their child as he learns and practices, and help him focus on the spiritual meaning of the event. They also have to take care of the practical arrangements, including scheduling lessons, driving, discussing the service, working with the rabbi and cantor, and reserving the sanctuary. If a party is planned, they have to handle other details, too: invitations, food, entertainment, decorations, and clothes. These responsibilities, added to everyday routines, leave many parents feeling stressed.

Siblings, too, can be affected by the Bar Mitzvah. A younger child may be jealous: “It’s not fair! I want my Bat Mitzvah when Jessie has hers.” An older child who’s already had a Bar Mitzvah may feel neglected as attention shifts to his sibling.

As you and your child approach the Bar Mitzvah, you can decrease stress by concentrating on the religious nature of the occasion, rather than the preparations or the party. Talk about Judaism and your child’s connection to past generations. Discuss Jewish history, holidays, and customs, the Holocaust, and the beliefs and history of other religions. Also emphasize the need to help others. Many families make community service and charitable donations an important part of the Bar Mitzvah period.

Get involved with your child’s studies. Your interest, help, and support will make it easier for him to learn his Torah portion and prayers and write his speech. Involve him in planning the service if the rabbi allows some flexibility. Your child may be able to choose prayers, recite a poem, or pick out appropriate music.

As you plan your party, let your choices reflect your family’s style, budget, and values. You may have to resist pressure from relatives who want you to celebrate as they would, and you may also have to resist internal pressure to “keep up” with friends and acquaintances.

Your child will be feeling social pressures of his own: “I want kids to like my party.” “Why can’t we have the same things Aaron had?” If he feels in competition with others, help him focus on the meaning of the occasion and the honor of having friends and family with him. Whatever your celebration is like, he, as the center of attention, will enjoy it.

It’s appropriate to expect your other children to be happy for the Bar Mitzvah child. However, you may have to help them cope with jealousy. Encourage them to share their thoughts: “Brian’s been getting a lot of attention because his Bar Mitzvah’s coming up. What do you think of all this?” Spend extra time with them and involve them, if they wish, in some of the preparations.

Since Bar Mitzvahs are planned far in advance, there’s always a chance of unexpected events, even disappointments. Illness, bad weather, or family conflicts may interfere with plans. A relative may not come. One of your child’s classmates may have a Bar Mitzvah on the same day as your child’s. If you remain calm in the face of changes or disappointments, he will follow your lead.

After the Bar Mitzvah, you’ll feel happy and proud but also somewhat let down after so much anticipation. Your child’s feelings may be similar to yours, but he’ll quickly be distracted by school, social life, sports, and other interests.

Your final responsibility is to have him write thank-you notes. Make up a schedule: “I want you to write five cards every night.” Give him a set of sample notes to follow. Sit with him and offer suggestions on personalizing his cards.

If he received money as a gift, give him guidelines for handling it—have him save a large portion and keep a small amount at home to spend as he wishes. Some parents ask their child to give one of his presents to each of his siblings. Many parents ask their child to donate some gift money to charity. Being generous to those in need is a value that is particularly appropriate at the time of a Bar Mitzvah.

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Parents want their ten- to thirteen-year-old to act responsibly at night and in the morning. They expect her to go to bed at a reasonable time so she can be healthy and alert, and so they can have time alone at the end of the evening. They also expect their child to get up and get ready on her own each morning. But many kids have trouble with daily routines. In some homes, bedtime and mornings are times for threats, frustration, and conflicts.

Kids resist going to sleep because after a day of school, homework, and chores, they don’t want their free time to end. They’d rather read, watch TV, and talk on the phone, use the computer, or play. Also, as they get older, they want more independence and may argue against a set bedtime. If parents are very rigid about evening routines, kids may procrastinate as a way of rebelling. And some children simply don’t require as much sleep as their parents want them to have.

Morning conflicts can be as troublesome as bedtime ones, especially if everyone has to be out the door early. Some kids, perhaps like their parents, don’t function well when they first wake up. Others may be tired because they aren’t getting enough sleep. If the family’s morning is always rushed and stressful, a child may dawdle to avoid confrontations or to show resistance. She also may oversleep because she doesn’t want to face problems at school, at home, or with peers.

If you and your child argue frequently about morning and evening routines, try changing your approach. She may be more responsible and cooperative if you’re flexible and allow her some choice. As an experiment, push her bedtime back half and hour and see how she gets along, or try letting her stay up later than usual as long as she remains in her room.

You may decide to turn the decision about bedtime over to her. Many kids who are given that freedom go to sleep at a reasonable time. When your child no longer has a rigid bedtime to resist, the evening routine may stop being an issue, and staying up late may stop being so attractive. She’ll probably go to bed when she’s tired.

Letting her choose when to go to sleep doesn’t mean giving up all control. You still have to set limits: “Ten o’clock is just too late for a week night.” Give reminders: “It’s getting late. You have to get ready for bed.” If she consistently stays up too long or is tired in the mornings, she’s not ready to take responsibility for bedtime. Decide on an earlier time for her, but give her another chance to change in a few months.

Once she feels she has some say in decisions about bedtime, she may be more willing to compromise in other areas of her life, including how she acts toward you and her siblings and how she reacts in the mornings. If mornings continue to be a problem even after you’ve eased up on bedtime, talk to her about it: “It seems to take you so long to get ready.” If you want her to get herself up, firmly remind her about setting her alarm. Don’t turn this into a struggle over personal responsibility, however. It’s also fine if you just get her up yourself each morning.

She may always wake up feeling grumpy. Try being patient, but set limits on her behavior and attitude: “You have to stop snapping at me when you get up.” Change parts of family’s routine until you find a morning arrangement that works. For instance, let your child shower last so she can have a few minutes more sleep, make breakfast for her so she doesn’t have to do that task, or have everyone get up ten minutes earlier so there’s less hurry.

If nothing helps, try to find out why your child is reluctant to start her day. Is she having trouble at school? With peers? Is there too much tension at home? Are there too many rules and chores? Talk these issues over with her and let her know you’re concerned and determined to help. You’ll send a message of love and care, which might motivate her to take more responsibility for her mornings and evenings.

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Taking care of the family dog is a big job, one many parents want their ten- to thirteen-year-old to handle alone. They hope that caring for the dog will teach their child to be responsible and to consistently meet another creature’s needs. They also hope that the tasks involved—nurturing, feeding, cleaning, and exercising—will help their child mature and pick up valuable life skills.

In theory, that makes sense. But it’s usually a parent who ends up walking the dog on wet nights, cleaning up after it on cold mornings, putting out food, and changing the water. No matter how hard parents push, most kids don’t take full responsibility for a dog.

Some of the tasks, such as buying food and visiting the vet, are usually impossible for a child to do alone. Others, including all the walking and grooming, can seem overwhelming to kids who have a lot to think about and keep track of. A child may promise to care for his dog, but he’s only saying what his parents want to hear. He’d like to be helpful and he loves and cares about his pet, but the job is too big.

Knowing that it’s typical for ten- to thirteen-year-olds to neglect some pet-care chores may help you be more understanding of your child. Although you may be disappointed, don’t be too demanding. Harshness and threats won’t make him more responsible. Instead, he’ll feel more stressed and angry and may take out his frustrations on others.

Offer to share responsibilities. He will appreciate your help if you don’t make him feel guilty or neglectful: “Why don’t I take over the morning walk for a while, since you’re having trouble getting ready for school on time.” Ask him to do specific, short tasks: “Would you please feed the dog this morning?” Give frequent reminders: “Don’t forget to brush Spike this afternoon.” Show your appreciation: “I’m glad you played with Missy. She really needed to run around.”

Although you may be disappointed that your child doesn’t care for the dog on his own, he’ll still have the experience of chipping in and helping in a practical, necessary way. The real value of your pet is the chance it offers your family to share enjoyable times and feel more connected.

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Parents feel frustrated telling their child over and over to help around the house. They know that what they’re asking—take out the trash, set the table, rake the leaves—is minimal compared to the full adult responsibility of running a household. They also know how much time they spend meeting their child’s needs, driving her to special activities, shopping for her clothes, and preparing for her friends’ visits.

Most parents believe that everyone in the family should routinely help out. They think that doing chores will teach their child responsibility, help her mature, and let her make a contribution. But in reality, most kids don’t do regular chores without constant reminders, threats, bribes, and arguments. This was true when they were younger, it’s true of ten- to thirteen-year-olds, and it usually remains true of kids until they leave home. It doesn’t seem to matter whether they are paid for their efforts or not. The problems involved in getting them to do routine chores often outweigh the benefits.

Kids don’t do their chores because the work is not a priority for them. They don’t care about order and cleanliness the way their parents do. Dirty dishes, an overflowing trash can, toothpaste in the sink, roller blades left out, and a backpack on the floor don’t bother them. A child never complains to her parents, “The kitchen’s a mess!”

Kids often resent chores because their busy schedules leave little free time. A child who spends a full day in school, then goes to afterschool care or an activity followed by an evening of homework, will not willingly wash the dishes. In addition, if stresses have built up during the day, chores can become a target of frustration: “Everybody always tells me what to do!” It’s easier for a child to argue with her parents than with a teacher who may have been especially demanding earlier in the day.

When she isn’t interested in a routine chore, she avoids it. She’ll procrastinate, move slowly, or be easily distracted.  Many parents label this behavior laziness, but it’s really a normal response to something a child doesn’t like.

If she actually does do her chores, her parents may still be frustrated because of the quality of the work. The table won’t really be cleared, crumbs will be left on the floor, the top will be off the toothpaste, and clothes will still be in a pile. When parents express their displeasure, she becomes defensive.

If you want her to do regular chores, you’ll probably have to continually remind her. Try to stay calm. If you use a harsh tone, she will be less cooperative: “I hate cleaning up!” You’ll get a better response if your begin your reminders with, “Before you leave, please...,” or, “Don’t forget to…,” or, “I’d like your help with...”

Offer her choices or vary her assignments. Some families have success with a job wheel of rotating responsibilities. Teach her the most efficient way to do a task. She may resist an assignment because she’s never learned how to do it. One boy told his mother, “I don’t fold the laundry right because you never showed me how.” Surprise your child by taking over one of her routine tasks: “I know you’ve been busy with schoolwork, so I’ll vacuum for you this week.”

If regular chores are causing too much conflict in your family, reconsider your expectations. A neat, well-managed home may not be worth the unhappiness and pressure your child feels. You might decide not to give her routine chores at all and instead have her focus her time on schoolwork, hobbies, and extracurricular activities. You can still reinforce responsibility around the house by asking her to do specific jobs as the need comes up: “You take care of the basement while I straighten the living room.” “Please clean your room before your friend gets here.” “I want you to set the table tonight.” “Give me a hand with these groceries.” You will find your child more willing to help if the need is apparent and if she isn’t overburdened by routine household tasks.

Of course, asking for help when you need it means the initiative is yours, not hers. However, that’s probably the case even if she has regular tasks assigned, since she’ll need reminders.

Everyone, including you and your child, grows up hearing adults stress the importance of cleaning up and doing household chores. Most people don’t fully integrate and act on these messages until they’re grown and on their own. The summer before freshman year at college, many parents are still trying to teach their child the best way to do laundry, mend clothes, and, cook.

It’s right to expect your child to be generally helpful and responsible at home, in school, and with others. However, it’s realistic to assume that her help around the house will be neither as frequent nor as efficient as you’d like. Try to be patient, and reinforce the jobs she does, letting her know that you do appreciate her efforts.

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“You’re not going out until you clean your room!”

“I’m tired of telling you to straighten up.”

“Pick up your clothes and make your bed!”

Most parents and children argue about messy rooms because parents care about keeping things neat and kids don’t. Most don’t mind waking up, going to sleep, playing, and doing homework amid a jumble of clothes, toys, books, and papers. They’re unembarrassed for their friends to see a messy room, and they don’t think their parents should get upset.

A child may appreciate a clean room if someone else cleans it, but he won’t straighten it on his own because to him it’s an unpleasant and unimportant task: “I hate putting clothes away.” “All my friends have messy rooms.” “Why make my bed if I’m going to sleep in it again?”

Parents have little success getting their child to think as an adult does about this issue, although they may be able to persuade or force him to clean up, using a variety of strategies—paying him, bribing him, punishing him, or listing consequences: “If you don’t keep your room clean, you can’t have friends over.” None of these techniques is particularly successful. A child may straighten up once or twice and then not again. Or he may clean his room in a half-heated way, leaving much undone. Many kids are punished over and over and still don’t keep their rooms neat.

One of the most common parental threats—“If you don’t clean your room, I won’t do your laundry!” - often backfires. Parent and child stay mad, the room and laundry stay dirty, and the child picks up an I’ll-get-back-at-you attitude from his parents.

Most kids want to please, but they have trouble focusing on their rooms when their interests and energy are directed elsewhere. If parents continually attack their child for his messiness (“You’re a slob!”), he’ll internalize their criticism. He’ll feel upset and frustrated because he can’t live up to their expectations.

The most successful and realistic way to handle cleaning up is to compromise, even though it means lowering your standards. If your child isn’t keeping a neat room at this age, more punishment and harsh words won’t help. Use a calm tone. If you’re feeling tense after a frustrating day, wait a while before discussing clean-up.

Offer to help him with his room: “I’ll do this half of the floor while you work on the closet.” He’ll appreciate your assistance, since straightening up alone can seem overwhelming. Suggest a timed cleanup: “See how much you can get done in fifteen minutes.”

Don’t worry about being consistent. Some days you’ll care a lot about how his room looks and other days you’ll shut his door and walk away. You might decide to ignore the mess unless company is expected, or you might decide to wait until an every-other-week “family clean-up day.”

Recognize that this is a common problem. You probably kept a messy room yourself when you were young. One mother, thinking her daughter was more disorganized than most kids, was amazed to see the girls’ bunkhouse at sleepover camp. Possessions were strewn everywhere and all the campers seemed happily unaware of the chaos. “We just push the clothes to the bottom of the beds when we sleep.”

The years from ten to thirteen are filled with turmoil, and you and your child may face some difficult issues. As long as he generally does well in other areas of his life, try to put the problem of a messy room in perspective. As he grows older, he’ll eventually care more about neatness and order.

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A mother found a stray piece of paper with a week-old phone message, “Mom, call Carol.” Two days after taking a message, an eleven-year-old asked his father, “Did I tell you Uncle Mike called?” One woman’s phone conversations often begin with her caller asking, “Did Jennie tell you I called?”

Many kids forget to relay messages. Parents hope that their ten- to thirteen-year-old will be thoughtful and responsible enough to tell them about calls. But for a number of reasons, kids often don’t remember. A child who’s distracted by TV or homework when the phone rings may not listen carefully. She may become absorbed in an activity after taking the call and quickly forget the message. She may not write the message down immediately, which usually means she won’t write it at all. Or, if the call doesn’t pertain to her, she may soon stop thinking about it.

She doesn’t forget on purpose. She usually feels bad when she lets her parents down, and she doesn’t intentionally disappoint or frustrate them. When confronted, however, she’ll defend herself because she also doesn’t want them to be angry with her: “I was going to tell you later.” “I started to write it down, but there wasn’t any paper.” “I thought I put her name somewhere.” “I forgot. I can’t help it. I’m not perfect.”

Try to be patient - this behavior is very common. Keep telling your child how important message-taking is. Then, to make it easier for her and likelier that you’ll get your messages, put pen and paper next to every phone. Create a central spot to leave messages. Tape a reminder note to the phone. Every time you come home, ask right away, “Any calls for me?” If you’re expecting an important call, consider leaving your answering machine on so you’ll be sure to get your message. If you don’t already have caller ID, think about adding this service.

You may be tempted to teach your child a lesson by ignoring phone messages for her, but don’t do this. When you say, “See how it feels?” or, “If you don’t give me my messages, I won’t give you yours,” you teach her to be spiteful. She’ll be upset by your intentional act and feel that you’ve deceived her. Your tactic won’t motivate her to remember messages. Instead it will show her that when she’s disappointed in people’s behavior, she can act without considering their feelings.

Focus on the times she does remember to give you a message: “Thanks for letting me know about Mr. Johnson’s call. I was waiting to hear from him.” And remember that most people who want to get in touch with you will call back—especially if they left their message with a child.

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“Shake hands with Uncle Jack.”

“Remember to thank Mrs. McDonald for the ride.”

“Please hold the door.”

“Offer your friend a soda.”

Most parents don’t understand why their ten- to thirteen-year-old still needs to be told these simple things: “I’ve been teaching my son manners since he was two years old and he still don’t know how to act!”

The truth is, most kids these ages continue to need reminders. This is true in part because they tend to be self-absorbed and frequently moody. In addition, it’s hard for them to keep track of all the polite behavior they’re responsible for - how to greet guests, what to say to relatives, how to answer the phone, and how to treat friends and adults.

Kids also may be unsure about politeness because they receive conflicting messages. Parents and teachers stress manners, but they sometimes demand good behavior in unpleasant ways: “I’ve told you a hundred times not to start eating ‘til everyone’s served. What’s wrong with you?” A teacher admonished her students for interrupting: “I want you dumb kids to keep quiet.” Kids often imitate adults’ behavior.

Most children display their worst manners at home, where they want to relax without worrying about politeness. Parents often despair when they imagine how their child acts with other people. But even the most forgetful kids are better behaved when they’re away from home. With company, they become more careful about manners and usually remember to say “please” and “thank you” and generally to speak more politely.

One twelve-year-old demonstrated how she had folded her towel when she slept at a friend’s house. Her mother was delighted because at home the girl usually dropped her towels on the floor. Another parent, who was upset by her son’s lack of table manners, was relieved when his dinner with relatives went well.

When you correct your child’s manners, try not to be too judgmental. It’s better to say, “Next time please sound friendlier when you answer the phone,” than to say, “You’re so rude on the phone!” His forgetfulness is normal and condemning him may only harm his self-esteem, since he still depends heavily on your good opinion.

If you anticipate a problem, prepare him. Tell him firmly and consistently how you expect him to act when his grandparents visit, when he goes off in the carpool, when an important call comes, or when he sleeps at a friend’s house.

The most important way to reinforce manners is to model polite behavior for him. If you treat him and others with respect, he’ll eventually take on your attitude as his own.

       Kids look forward to summer as a reprieve from school, a time to relax and have fun. Many ten- tot thirteen-year-olds, tired of homework and busy schedules, want to hang around and “do nothing”. At these ages, however, they still need supervision and planned activities during the summer, especially if both parents work outside the home.

      Without a schedule of activities and an adult nearby, kids may spend the summer watching TV, using the computer, playing video games, eating junk food, and hanging out with other children whose parents aren’t home. Leaving a child alone for a short time may be all right, depending on her age and maturity. But leaving her alone or even in the company of a young teenage sibling every day for several months is a mistake. At best, the summer will be boring and aimless. At worst, she will get into trouble.

      There are many alternatives to staying home all day, some inexpensive or even free. Some kids spend time at a pool, join swim teams, or play in various competitive leagues. Many park districts run supervised playground programs, and there are public and private day-camps, specialty camps, sleepover camps, lessons, classes, and summer school programs. Many of these activities offer bus service or help parents arrange carpools.

      If you aren’t available to drive during the day, your child’s choices will, of course, be determined by location, starting and ending times, and availability of transportation. As much as possible try to enroll her in programs of interest to her or ones her friends will be attending. Kids these ages are usually happiest doing whatever their peers do.

      If your child is going to sleepover camp for the first time, the separation may be emotional for both of you. One mother said, “I’m a little nervous. Actually, I’m a lot nervous.” To prepare her, try to visit the camp ahead of time, look at pictures, or talk to someone who’s been there. Talk to the camp director about concerns you or your child have. Let your child know that homesickness is natural, but that she’ll soon get involved in camp activities.

      Some ten- to thirteen-year-olds want to work during the summer. Under supervision—yours, a neighbor’s, or a friend’s—your child can care for pets, weed, mow lawns, or baby-sit. You or a relative also may have odd jobs she can do for pay.

       Summer is a good time to visit out-of-town relatives, catch up academically, or pursue interests in learning and the arts. Encourage your child to read every day, keep a journal, write stories, draw, start a collection, make animated flip books, learn to type, create a web page, play an instrument, build, invent, make up plays, sing, act, sculpt, play chess, or learn a new craft. All of these activities can be entertaining, but too often they’re associated with school or lessons. If you take a relaxed approach—and if you pursue such activities yourself—your child will find that learning on her own can be enjoyable and satisfying.

       Finally, make time to be with her, even if you work all day. On weekends, evenings, and days off, get involved in her activities and interests. Make plans together—go biking, camping, shopping, or swimming. Go to a museum, a baseball game, a historical site, the library, or a park. Get ice cream together or go on a picnic. She needs your attention, involvement, and watchfulness. She’ll be spending less and less time with the family as she gets older, so enjoy her company now, especially during the summer when schedules and people are more relaxed.

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      Parents want their child to handle his own money responsibly. They want him to plan ahead, spend wisely, and save for the future. Most ten- to thirteen-year-olds, however, are less interested in being responsible than in buying what they want. This causes a dilemma for many parents. They know he should make decisions and learn from his own mistakes, yet they want to keep him from wasting his money. These conflicting aims make it hard for them to be consistent.

      Sometimes the child’s point makes sense: “It’s my money. Why can’t I get what I like?” “If I’m saving up for a video game, why do you care if it’s expensive?" Parents’ points are also sound: “You shouldn’t spend your money on junk food.” “Wait until it goes on sale.” “Get two sweaters instead of one expensive one.” “Don’t throw your allowance away on something that won’t last.”

      In general, it’s best to let your child decide how to spend his own money. But if you feel his spending is out of control, set limits. At a time when you’re both feeling calm, talk about money. Listen to his side, even if he complains that you aren’t being fair. You need to understand him in order to know what will work. Tell him why you think saving and planning are important. Let him know you realize how difficult managing money can be and how easy it is to buy impulsively.

     Together, come up with a management plan that allows him flexibility. Within reasonable guidelines, you want him to make money decisions on his own: “You can spend some or your chore money as long as you saves some every week”. “When I give you your allowance, I want you to put some aside to donate.” If he receives a significant sum as a gift for a birthday, Christmas, or a Bar Mitzvah, give him a portion to use as he wishes and have him save the rest. You also could have him use this money for his first investment. This is a good time to start a discussion of stocks, bonds, and other financial alternatives. Perhaps you and your child could meet once with a financial planner who’s willing to work with a child.

      To help your child make spending decisions, work out a budget: “How much money do you think you need for snacks and movies?” Offer specific compromises: “Instead of spending all your money now, buy the video game this month and the sweatshirt later.” Encourage him to save by taking him to the bank to open or make deposits in his own account.

      Don’t be too restrictive or he may feel resentful and start lying about money and purchases. But be firm about spending you don’t approve of: “You can get a different CD with your money, but not that one.” “You’re too young to wear eye shadow, even if you plan to buy it with your own money.” At these ages, you still need to set clear limits.

       Your child may want to use his money for an expensive purchase. One girl saved for a tennis racket; another planned to buy a CD player. A thirteen-year-old paid for a lawn mower so he could earn more money cutting grass. As long as the item is one you would allow him to have, let him make the decision. You might question his judgment, but he will learn from the experience whether he’s ultimately happy with his purchase or not.

       Dealing with money is challenging, and you and he will continue to discuss this issue. Keep stressing your values, and show your child, by your actions as well as your words, how spending and saving can be responsibly managed. You want him to take money seriously, but you don’t want it to become a source of guilt and tension. Show him that money also can be a source of enjoyment and that it’s all right to splurge or make impulse buys at times and to use money to pursue his interests and hobbies.

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      Kids’ bedrooms are the closest they have to “personal space.” It makes sense that they want to individualize their rooms as much as possible. Yet, many parents are reluctant to let their child do much, if any, customizing: “Your walls have to be white to match the rest of the upstairs.” “Those posters are ugly—you can’t hang them.” “You can’t have a beanbag chair. They collect dust.”

      Kids with creative ideas become frustrated if they can’t try them out. One boy wanted to hang his baseball hats on the wall. Another asked to string Christmas tree lights around her window. A ten-year-old wanted to put her mattress in a tent made of sheets.

      If a child sees something appealing in a friend’s room, she may want to copy it: “Shannon has a neat lamp in her room. Can I get one?” “Alex’s wall is covered with posters and it looks great.”

      A child who feels she has little control over many aspects of her life may fight to make decisions about her room: “Why can’t I pick the color? Why do I have to have the pictures you like? It’s my bedroom.”

      Although you may have firm opinions about how your house should look, at least consider some of her ideas. Whenever possible, allow some flexibility. You may not want her to draw murals on her walls, as some kids are allowed to do, but you can let her pick out pictures or make nonpermanent changes. If she wants to rearrange the furniture or put the mattress on the floor, let her try for a while and then switch back if you like.

      If your children share a bedroom, have them compromise on temporary decorating changes, divide the space so each has room to individualize, or take turns making changes.

      If your child seems overly focused on redoing her room, think about her motivation. She may see decorating as an escape from other problems. If she’s troubled, a new room arrangement won’t help her feel better. However, if her social life, family life, and schoolwork are going reasonably well, you can assume her desire to redecorate is motivated by curiosity, creative ideas, and a desire to express herself.

     There are some real benefits to letting her try her ideas. She may pick up some artistic or practical skills. She’ll feel more independent. And she may become more cooperative as she sees that you’re willing to give her choices and some control.

     Don’t make her promise to keep her newly arranged room neat. If she’s already an orderly child, she’ll automatically straighten up, whatever the arrangement. And if she isn’t orderly, your insistence on being neat will only dampen her excitement. Instead of enjoying the new look; the two of you will end up arguing about her broken promise and your unrealistic expectations. It’s better to treat cleaning up as a separate issue, not tied to her desire to personalize her own space.

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      Many ten- to thirteen-year-olds spend considerable time on their own every day. While twelve- and thirteen-year-olds may be mature enough to stay alone, ten- and eleven-year-olds are too young to be by themselves regularly or for long periods. Some local governments, through their social service agencies, set recommended limits on the amount of time kids these ages can be left unsupervised.

      Nevertheless, many parents feel they have no choice but to leave their children alone. Parents are working, there are few sitters available, after-school care for this age group is hard to find, and alternatives are too expensive. Parents either convince themselves that their child will be all right, or they go off to work each day feeling guilty and worried.

      Few kids, even thirteen-year-olds, would choose to stay alone regularly. They’d rather be greeted after school and have the comfort of an adult or teenage sibling nearby. A child left on his own can become bored, lonely, or scared. He may hear strange noises or worry about frightening events he’s seen on the news. Even his parents’ warnings can be alarming: “Don’t go outside.” “Don’t answer the door.” “Never tell a caller I’m not home.”

      One child told her mother, “I hate being alone, but there’s nothing I can do about it so I never complain.” Many kids don’t speak up. They feel they have no control over the situation and fear upsetting their parents. A child may sense that his parents don’t want to know what he really thinks.

      Many parents never ask their child what it’s like to stay alone every day. They avoid discussion rather than risk hearing something that would make them feels guilty. When he does voice opposition to staying by himself, his parents may say he’s selfish or silly: “We do a lot for you. The least you can do is take care of yourself after school.” Some parents rationalize: “It’s a good time to get homework done.” “You like to watch TV.” “You can get your chores out of the way.”

      It’s best not to leave your child home regularly, but if you do, minimize his time alone. Arrange for him to go home with a friend. See if a neighbor or a high school student can help out, if only to check on him for a few minutes each day. Find out about organized afternoon activities and transportation home, such as a late school bus or a carpool. A classmate’s parent may be willing to drive your child in exchange for a service you can provide, such as weekend baby-sitting. See if he can stay after school to help his teacher, work in the library, or volunteer in the school office.

     Consider letting him invite a friend over as long as both kids are mature and responsible, and the parents of the other child know you won’t be home. However, if you have many doubt (“What if they do something unsafe?” “They might get silly or destructive”) wait until your child is older. Too often, kids these ages do what they want, assuming their parents won’t find out: “We can go skateboarding for a while.” “Let’s make some macaroni.”

      If you don’t arrange supervision or companionship for your child, you still can provide home activities such as art projects, magazines and books, music, and puzzles. Leave a snack and a friendly note. Call shortly after you expect him home and give him time on the phone to tell you about his day in school. Let him know he can call you or a relative or friend if he wants to talk or has a problem. Keep a list of his friends’ phone numbers with you so you can call if you have to. You may be tempted to keep him busy with chores, but after a day of classwork, he may resent this. He needs a chance to relax and pursue his interests.

      Even if you continue to have him stay alone, keep the lines of communication open. Listen to his thoughts about staying by himself and avoid lecturing. If you say, “I have to go to work to pay for the things you need,” he may stop sharing his feelings and instead feel guilty about being a burden. Let him express himself openly. Simply talking about being home alone may help both of you feel less stressed about the situation.

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       Baby-sitting is an excellent activity for early adolescents who are mature enough to care for young children. Baby-sitters learn to be responsible, creative caregivers, and in return for their efforts, they earn money and feel the reward of doing a good job. With parental support, children as young as twelve can be successful sitters.

       A twelve-year-old generally does best with toddlers or older children. She may be overwhelmed by the tasks associated with a baby: changing diapers, warming a bottle, and dealing with crying. If a sitter is going to watch an infant, she should first spend time with the baby when his parents are home so she can practice caring for him.

       Twelve-year-old sitters often want to work in pairs. Although they have to split their earnings, they like the security of having a companion. Unfortunately, sitters are sometimes less responsible when friends are with them and may need extra guidance and supervision.

       Before your child baby-sits, talk to her about how young kids behave. She should know that they often act silly, enjoy attention, resist going to sleep, are fearful, have a hard time listening, cheat at board games, and can quickly get into trouble if left alone.

      Give her strategies for dealing with difficult behavior. She can try to distract a youngster, offer a snack, read a story, or pat the back of a child who can’t sleep. To keep young children busy, she can draw with them, watch a video, read a book to them, listen to music, build with blocks, dance, or make up a story.

      Safety is an important issue, both for your child and for the children she watches. To ensure her safety, check out any casual acquaintances or strangers who want to hire her. You can call them and chat, ask how they got your child’s name, and set up a time when you and she can meet them. When you do meet, try to evaluate their children’s behavior—you may not want your child to sit for difficult youngsters. Tell the parents what time you want her home and work out transportation arrangements. If you’re uncomfortable, don’t let her take the job.

      Talk to her about keeping babies and young children safe. Since many parents don’t give enough information to their sitters, you need to prepare her. Discuss possible emergencies and tell her which questions to ask. She should find out how to get in touch with the parents and with you. She should also know what to do if someone knocks at the door or calls for the family.

       Encourage her to ask her employers practical questions too. How late does the child stay up? Can he play outside? Does he go to the bathroom alone? Will he climb out of his crib? What can he eat? What can your child eat when she baby-sits? Can she use the phone? Does she have to clean up?

      As you may recall from your own days as a baby-sitter, any twelve-year-old can be irresponsible at times. Even if your child is well prepared and mature, she may finish all the brownies, break something, or fail to pay enough attention to a youngster. Keep giving her tips, talking to her about each job, and stressing importance of quality care. If you want to check on her while she works or simply reassures her, give her a call. She’ll feel more secure knowing you’re home and easily available.

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