My Science School

 

My parents have been divorced for 10 years now but they see each other often. I have been living with my mother ever since. However, my father has now decided to remarry. Now while I know that he is well within his rights to do so, I feel its a sort of cheating.

I agree that there had been a lot of acrimony between my parents earlier on but now I feel they have been able to evolve a nice arrangement in which both meet each other without any bitterness over previous quarrels.

However, if my father marries again, it will disturb this arrangement and then there will be no scope for any relationship between the two. How can I help retain the status quo? I feel very disturbed about the new development.

I can understand your predicament. However for 10 years they have lived separately and you have lived with your mother. You had no problems. Perhaps you feel concerned that your father remarrying you may not be able to meet him as often as you do now. Perhaps you don’t want your father to remarry at all. From your letter I cannot understand the real issue. If you don’t want your father to marry again, you could talk to him and find out the reasons for this action. Then you could express your own feelings and apprehensions about the issue. I am sure he will be able to arrive at a solution. Maybe you can talk to your mother, who may be knowing more about this matter and then come to a decision.

Once you know the facts and the implications, I am sure you will feel at ease because then it will be easier to accept reality with understanding.

 

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The fear of failure is making you edgy. There is no reason why a good student like you will not do well at the class 12 exams. As you have rightly realised, there is still plenty of time before you come face to face with the reality of the exam. It’s time that you told yourself that negative thoughts do hamper performance.

Worrying about the exams and wondering whether or not you will do well is the cause for anxiety and headaches. Since you are hassled you will only think about failures. As a result, you will be distracted and find it difficult to focus on your studies. You will find it difficult to remember all that you read. This in turn will cause more anxiety and panic. This sets off the chain reaction and you begin to forget and feel miserable, all over again. The only way to overcome these headaches is to learn to relax. Try the following things:

• Relax all the muscles of your body, loosen them up and sit in the most comfortable relaxed position possible in a chair or a reclining one. You may even lie down in bed. During this period don’t think of anything. Empty your mind of any thoughts.


• Take a deep breath. Inhale slowly until you feel a beautiful pleasant feeling inside your head. This happens when the oxygen goes to the brain. Now slowly exhale while continuing to relax.


• Repeat this slowly and in the most comfortable way for around five to six times. Do keep your eyes closed during this exercise.


• Gradually, open your eyes and get back to your sitting posture. You will feel like a new person. Your head will feel light and wonderful. The negative thoughts would have vanished by this time.


• Now pursue your work at a pace that suits you. You can then take a five-minute break. If you feel tense again, return to the exercise. Otherwise, resume work right after the break.


• Organise your course and lessons in such a manner that you complete the easy sections before moving onto the difficult areas.


• Whenever you have a doubt, mark the lesson and keep it aside to seek clarifications from your teacher.


• During all this, don’t think about next year’s exam. Focus on your work. Do not worry about the results.

         Adopt this strategy with a bit of discipline and very soon you will see your tension and anxiety disappear.

 

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What do I do in this dog-eat-dog world where there is no future sans a high-profile education?

You are right when you say that you need an education. You can complete your education as you work through a distance education programme. The Indira Gandhi Open University (IGNOU) offers many courses in different disciplines at the graduate and post-graduate levels. Many universities across the country, including Delhi University, offer correspondence courses in variety of subjects.

All you need to do is get a form, fill it up and work towards your graduation and post-graduation in the subject of your choice and at your own pace. There is no need to feel low. You have the essential ingredient of motivation and desire to acquire a higher education. With your capacity to work hard and diligently, you will achieve your goals.

The past, however bad it may have been, cannot be set right. So treat it as a bad dream that is best forgotten. Concentrate on what you want to do. Set clear goals clear and start working towards them now. I am sure no one can stop you from 

 

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Hailing from a middle class family or not having been exposed to certain experiences has never come in a way of anyone’s thinking or behaviour. If you are confident that you have an opinion on a certain matter, go ahead and express your opinion. By not expressing yourself you may tend to become more withdrawn. If you feel that you have read about a topic as much as your friends have, do not restrain yourself from speaking about it.

You need to think well of yourself if you want others to think well of you too. Similarly, if you want others to appreciate your views, do ensure that they are worthy and the result of sound reading.

To be able to do this, make it a habit to understand the subject matter, think about it and then arrive at your point of view. Express your opinion without fear, as you will be able to defend it even if someone contradicts you. Practise this art in the privacy of your home. Adopt this strategy and you will soon be on your way to speaking your mind with others.

 

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I have lost all faith in myself and I don’t know what to do. Can you help?

It must of course be disappointing to you that you could not get through the CAT exam. But this is not the end of the world. There are many more avenues for which you can train yourself. All that needs to be done is to ascertain first where possibly you could have gone wrong in attempting the CAT. Is it knowledge, speed or content that has prevented you from getting admission? Think back objectively and see if you would like to take one more chance after getting over the shortcomings that you have.

Get some good coaching from a well established centre. Keep your options open. If CAT is going to be difficult, then think of other courses that you can possibly take.

 

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When they playfully tease me for being dark, I get hurt. Please find some solution for me.

A girl so talented like you should not really be worried about your complexion. After all, you do know whether brown or black or white or whitish, every person is a human and there is no need for a person with a darker complexion to feel inferior to the fairer ones. If you accept your complexion as part of yourself and keep it glowing and fine, you will find that being dark is not bad at all. You are in college to study and to enjoy and you can do both if only you do not think that dark complexion is inferior. Remember, only when you allow yourself to be teased will you be teased. The person who teases you would stop doing so if she finds that it has no effect on you. You also know that there are dark complexioned people who have made a name for themselves (Williams sisters, the tennis wizards) and show how proud they are of their achievements. Dark complexion does not really bother them. Try to be confident about yourself, carry yourself with dignity, with your head high on your shoulders.

 

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Your problem is what we call identity problem, especially related to the gender factor. For some reason you are unable to accept the fact that you are a girl. You do not seem to feel nice about being a girl and thus you have been dressing up like a boy. Normally, upto a certain age boys and girls are almost indistinguishable in terms of their clothing and attires, but after the bodily changes that occur during puberty and adolescence, girls generally start wearing feminine clothes. This is also the time when boys and girls are attracted towards each other physically and the boys are interested in you as a girl than as one of them.

Both boys and girls have their own wonderful qualities and none is less than the other. Whether it is studies or occupation or any other area of life, both do equally well and none is inferior to the other. However, there are certain things in life that the masculinity of the boys may be able to accomplish better, while there are certain other things in life which the femininity of girls will be able to successfully manage. Many a time, you do not like being a girl because you feel you are not valued by parents, teachers or society which all show preference to the boys. That happens because of certain cultural norms and traditions. Trying to be something that one is not, will only create more and more conflict, anxiety and unhappiness. It is important to feel happy and proud of what one is, not because one is a male or female, but because of what one has been able to accomplish in the best possible manner. Think of yourself as a student, daughter and friend and how well you have been able to play effectively all these roles and how proud you have made your parents.

You need not rush into changing your style of clothing, etc., but what you need to do is to occasionally, that is, once a fortnight or a month, or on some festival days, dress up like a girl and see as well as experience how nice it feels. As you start wearing feminine clothes, you will get used to it in course of time and also you may not only start accepting these dresses but also enjoy being a girl.

 

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My classmates teasing me that I am in love with a boy. What should I do?

Just forget the incident for the time being and don’t give too much importance to your friends. The more you react and show how annoyed you are, the more your classmates will trouble you. So ignore them and behave as if their teasing does not affect you at all. There is no need for you to feel guilty. Interact with your friends with your head held high. Your confidence will silence the gossip mongers.

 

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I wish to take sciences but I have got less marks. What to do now?

I do not think that you should be so worried. Other than those 10 marks, you seem to have done as well as you regularly do through out the year. Keep calm and wait for the results to be announced. Until the marks are announced, stay calm. Just in case you aren’t allotted the science stream, speak to your principal and class teacher to let them know of your keen interest in science and lack of inclination for the other streams. I am sure things will work out for you. Positive thinking is most important for you.

 

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How do we tackle the mess at home?

 

It would please your grandmother if you her as much affection and support as you can. She shouldn’t be left to feel neglected or even rejected. Try and help your mother too. This should not be a problem, as one does not study every minute of the day. So use your break time to help your mother with the household chores. Spend time with your grandmother and make her comfortable during her confinement. This will make you and your brother feel good and bring about an atmosphere of peace at home.

 

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I can understand your concern. At the present moment, I would suggest that you go slow as you have not met this person but only talked to him over the phone. You are still young and studying; involvement in such relationships may lead once again to another negative experience, which may affect your studies adversely. There is no harm in continuing correspondence with this person without committing yourself to anything until you meet him and also make your parents meet him. The question is not whether you can trust, but whether you can make a proper judgment about his personality and him as a person, because (1) you have not met him and (2) you are still not ready enough to make such judgments.

 

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How can a student risk being a non-conformist in school and still retain high levels of confidence to do well in life?

Non-conformist does not mean non-performer. A student can be a non-conformist but be a very good student, scoring excellent marks or even average to above average marks. A non-conformist is one who does not agree or conform to all the rules and regulations of the school and when questioned is able to convincingly explain his stand. This is possible only for a person who has the self-confidence to put across his points of view very clearly even though they may not conform to the views of the school. I hope you now understand what was written in that report.

 

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 Yes, you do need friends with whom you could share your joys and excitement. For someone as talented and intelligent as you, making friends will not be a difficult task. Jealousy could be one of the reasons why your friends do not share information and books with you. You may have to do some introspection. Ask yourself whether there is something about you that puts them off. Do you have a haughty posture? Do you keep to yourself? Do you help others In studies when they ask you a clarification? Do you give the impression that scoring marks is all that matters to you?  Try and find the answers to these questions. Expect nothing from friends and be willing to give them everything. You will soon discover true friendship.

 

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I am a student of class XII and my problem is that I have a low concentration level. No matter what I do, the study-hard phase doesn’t last more than a few days. Then I can’t put my mind to studies. Please give me some tips to improve my memory as well.

 

If you can concentrate for a few days very well, you can do so for many more days. The ‘study-hard’ phase that you talk about is indeed strenuous and hence, continues only for a few days, after which exhaustion sets in. The best way to handle this is study hard consistently, with adequate rest in between. Normally, a person can work with full concentration for about one to two hours, after which he needs a break. After studying with full concentration for a certain period of time, you find that your grasp of the subject is not as good as it was, or some external environment etc distracts you. At this point, stop studying and take a break of five to seven minutes. This way you will feel fresh and study with concentration. As for improving memory you can do the following:

• Read a lesson once fully and understand the underlying theme clearly.


• Then divide the lesson into six or seven units, which are complete in themselves.


• Now start reading these smaller units with comprehension and extract the main theme out.


• Make a few questions on the passage that you have studied and try answering them.


• Write out what you have learnt and see if you have covered all the points.


• Go over the written material with the book material and fill in the gaps.

If you go through all the above seven steps, you will see tremendous improvement in your memory power.

 

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My problem is that I lose my temper very easily. I am also rude to people at home and at school. Needles to say, no one likes that kind of behavior and my mother stops talking to me altogether for several days on end. I want to improve. How do I do that? Are my parents responsible for my behavior?

 

Remember that your mind is yours and you alone can have control over it. If you really do not want to be rude or lose your temper, it is in your hands to do so. However, I have a few tips to offer which, if you practice seriously and with commitment, can help you get a grip over your temper. Normally, one gets angry in response to some development. When  something happens that normally makes you lose your temper, don’t react immediately, but count backwards from five to zero, then close your eyes and take a deep breath five times. Then open your eyes and you will find that the immediate urge to respond with anger would have disappeared and you too will feel  somewhat calmer within. Practice these few steps by imagining a frustrating or anger-inducing situation. After a few weeks you will find that you are able to control your temper considerably.

 

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