My Science School

I'm 13 years old. I have a friend who earlier was my best friend. She used to share all her things with me. We always used to be with each other. Even in class we used to sit together. One day our class teacher changed our places and made me sit with a girl who wasn't in our group. But my friend was made to sit with a girl who was in our group but was and is very rude. My friend and I used to dislike her. But slowly they both became friends and then best friends. Now my friend is always with her. She says that her partner is her best friend. I think that girl has snatched my best friend. Why has my friend done this to me?

At the age of 13 friends come and go, as you are learning how to handle relationships and emotions. People who were thought to be "rude" and not "good friends" may turn out to be good and loving. That is what probably your best friend has learnt by sitting with another girl and sharing with her. Now they have become best friends and you feel jealous about it, thinking that that girl has snatched your best friend. Change your attitude, stop being jealous and try to come close to them and understand what is beautiful in their relationship. Open yourself to relationships with different people without limiting yourself to exclusive "best friends".

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I am a third year B.E. student. I have many bad habits including robbing money, lying, cheating people, etc. I really want to change. My parents are fed up of me; they have taken me to counselling centres but still there's no change in me. What can I do? Please guide me, I really want to change!

You admit to having "many bad habits" and that you "really want to change". If this is true, you have already made a start in the process of changing your life. What you need now is a clear understanding of the possible consequences of your actions: committing crimes that can take you to jail and bring shame to you and your family.. Your parents took you to counselling centres without positive results. If you believe in God you should also turn to Him for help and guidance. Talk to some religious leader in your community and spend some time in prayer and meditation. Seek the friendship of good and honest people in order to learn how to be a responsible member of society.

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I confessed to my crush that I liked him, and he said he liked me too. We were together for one month. But at the beginning of this year he met another girl and now he is her boyfriend. We both talk but I just can't forget him; it's just so annoying! Should I try to get him back or should I forget him?

The relationship you had with that boy is just a "crush", a sudden emotional attraction which is called infatuation. The proof is that as soon as he got infatuated with another girl he became her boyfriend. After some time he may do the same with other girls. At your tender age it is better to enjoy simple friendships rather than pretending to build permanent relationships for which you are not yet ready. Be aware that you too may get infatuated with some other boy!

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There's a guy who lives near my house whom I really love a lot. We were friends since class 6 and gradually after class 9 it turned into a sweet relationship. There was an intense love between us. We were in a relationship for a year. Now I am in class 10. Three months back I fought with him because he spoke about our relationship to my brother. I didn't even talk to him. After a few days I messaged and even called him but he didn't reply. I kept messaging him but he didn't give any response. His silence just breaks my heart. I can't get him out of my mind and I am not able to stop crying. When I see him he just ignores me like anything. I cannot guess the reason for this behaviour. But there's still hope in my heart that one day he will come back to me. What should I do?

What you call "a sweet relationship" and "intense love" between you and that boy seems to have collapsed at the first disagreement between the two of you. Instead of talking respectfully to him, trying to understand his motivation in talking to your brother about your relationship, you fought with him and stopped talking to him. He retaliated in the same way by stopping talking to you or responding to your messages. This situation proves that both of you, at your age, are not yet ready for a true love relationship, which is built on mutual trust and respect. What you have to do now is to learn from your mistakes and become more patient, kind and respectful in dealing with your friend. Whether he will come back to you or not will depend on his maturity in understanding that true love is also built on mutual forgiveness.

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My parents keep asking me to study. I study very hard and I am one of the toppers in my class and I am also improving my grades. But my parents have started asking me to study for the next class just the day after my final exams get over. What should I do?

Congratulations for your hard work which has made you one of the toppers in your class. Your parents must be very proud of you and would like to see you achieve even more, forgetting that at the age of 15 you need also to have time for sports, good friendships and relaxation. Explain your family problem to some good teacher who knows you well, and can help your parents appreciate your hard work and give you time for other necessary activities and entertainment suitable to your age.

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I am really close to my best friend. It's real fun to be around her and I trust her too. In fact, we have become somewhat inseparable. Now, I have realized that our friendship has distanced me from my other friends. Although I am neither close to any of my other friends nor do we share much interests but it's embarrassing and upsetting at the same time when I am no more part of our group. I enjoyed their company earlier but now I find them mostly uninteresting or too gossipy. I hate gossiping with them; their opinions and judgements unnecessarily ruin my friendship with others. I consciously choose to be away and so does my best friend, who never was a part of our group. I don't want to lose my best friend, but at the same, I don't want to be left with just a single friend. Also, some of those friends who were really close to me earlier, hardly speak with me now. Please help me.

If you consciously choose to be away from the company of your other friends because of your chosen "inseparable" best friend you should not complain about the expected negative result of being "left with just a single friend". You have taken the decision of cutting yourself off from your other friends, with whom you do not share many interests and find "mostly uninteresting or too gossipy". You have to decide what you want in life: close friends whom you can trust or non close, uninteresting and gossipy friends whom you do not like. The choice is yours.

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My father is an asthma patient but he smokes. When we ask him not to do so he scolds us. He is the eldest in the family so we can't tell anybody else to tell him not to. Once I told him that we love him very much and so he should stop this habit but he didn't talk to me for a week or two and finally scolded me and continued the habit. Please tell me what to do. I love him very much.

I suggest that, with the help of some other family member, you talk to your family doctor and explain the situation about your father. Doctors have the knowledge and authority to guide their patients on keeping in good health or not getting into troubles, what to do and not to do. Your father seems to be addicted to tobacco and is not able to stop that bad habit. The same happens in the case of other addictions, like alcohol or drugs. Love and support from the family is useful but not sufficient enough. Professional counselling and medical help are often necessary, too.

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I have a boyfriend and we love each other very much but the problem is that he often thinks that I'm brainless; I don't have any knowledge about facing problems, I am a stupid girl, every time he is right and I am wrong. It hurts me a lot but he loves me a lot. How can I show him that I'm not brainless because I feel very sad when he says things like this?

You love a boy who "often thinks" that you are brainless; that you cannot face problems, are "a stupid girl" and always "wrong" (of course, he is. always "right"). This situation hurts you a lot yet you are convinced that you and your boyfriend "love each other very much". Love is built on mutual respect and appreciation; the one who loves should help the other in case of need, but never insult and degrade the other as he is doing. That boy has a superiority complex and is trying to make you feel inferior in order to dominate you, not to love you. If this situation continues, you will end up with depression and low self-esteem. Tell your boyfriend that you feel very sad about his attitude and that if he does, not change you will definitely end your relationship with him. It is better to be sad for some time than to be sorry for the rest of your life.

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I'm a 15-year-old girl. I got into a relationship two months ago with a guy. We only chat online or talk on the phone. I have not told my parents about him. I have always been a brilliant student. My friends tell me that being in a relationship would ruin my future. I want to be happy and have a promising future.

Looks like you do know what you want - but your friends' advice seems to have put you in a dilemma.

One of the ways relationships affect our present, and consequently our future is when we have unhealthy relationships. When a relationship comes along, we may be so attracted that we make the other person the centre of our lives and neglect all other things studies, friends, family, career and personal growth. This becomes unhealthy when we begin to emotionally depend on the other person to fulfill all our needs. It is like putting all one's eggs (hopes, dreams, needs) into one basket and when the basket falls, all the eggs shatter. A good thing to do now is to focus on being friends. It can be a special friendship but let it not be your only friendship. Do introduce him to your parents and your friends. Take things slow and steady... there is no rush.

Ensure that you focus equally on your studies and career, have your family time, time with other friends - which he may or may not be a part of. All of these are equally important. This may mean that you sometimes say 'No' to him (also permit him to say 'No' to you). If he truly cares, he will accept and support you.

If you are able to keep this balance and have a healthy relationship, you will be happy and have a promising future.

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I have many friends, but when I'm with them, they neglect me. They make me feel like I'm different and don't share things with me. I'm fed up and I feel as if I don't know who my real friends are.

It appears that you're feeling quite frustrated and confused not knowing if the group you hang out with are your real friends. When you are together, you feel neglected by them. Looks like you want them to pay more attention to you in the group, and this is not happening.

Good friendships are founded on mutual respect and trust, which has to be first given to be received in return. It cannot be demanded or commanded. Respecting others means listening to each other without cutting each other off mid-sentence, acknowledging that something is important to a particular person without ridiculing them; expressing an interest in knowing about each other's interests/likes; taking turns at being the centre of attention; avoiding back-biting, keeping each other's information confidential, and more.

Reflect on what makes you feel this way? How do you react or respond? Since only you can manage your own behaviour, also reflect on whether your actions have contributed in any way to your situation. Do you give others adequate respect, listen attentively and maintain confidentiality? Most importantly, do you respect yourself enough? If not, it would help to first change your behaviour. If you do, and they still don't care enough about you, then perhaps they aren't your real friends.

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I am a student of Std XII. I like a girl and she also likes me but whenever I propose to her she says that she only wants to be my friend. When I tell her that I love her, she says that it's just an attraction and not love.

You are quite attracted to this girl, and it is a great start if you both like each other.

Love is like chemistry and begins with attraction - one or both people might feel attracted - and a bond is formed. But for the bond to be lasting and to turn into real love, it needs the glue of friendship. So, do take the opportunity to be friends, for she wants to be your friend! And here is the paradox - act quickly to be friends but be slow and steady about "love" - for love needs time to deepen.

While you may not know whether the friendship will turn into a relationship, making friends is the surest way to find out. However, if one person is attracted to another, it doesn't mean that the other has to reciprocate. So, even after being friends, if she is not interested, respect it. Don't be disheartened for you still stand to gain a good friend. Focus on getting to know each other; enjoy discovering your similarities and differences and drop the pressure of 'proposing'.

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I am studying in Std IX. Earlier, I used to be good in studies, but nowadays I'm unable to concentrate. Whenever I sit down to study I start thinking about friends, parents and my future. I feel as if I cannot achieve anything in life. I have started to think negatively and my confidence level is down.

You sound quite despondent that you are distracted, have lost your motivation for studies, as well as your confidence. You're also worried about your future.

To feel motivated, first set a meaningful study goal - this can be a weekly or a daily goal. A daily goal can cover achieving three things that you decide to complete for that day. A weekly goal can be: ‘By the end of this week, I have mastered (score >80% on a test) all the topics that I decided to study this week.’ (List those topics), or 'I have clarified all doubts about the topics that have been taught this week.'

To get the zing back into studies, set a broad routine which includes beginning the day with some brain boosting exercise. Change the time, the place and the method of study! Study with focus in 25-minute slots where you silence all distractions - the quality of learning matters, not quantity! Reward yourself with a 5- to 10-minute break by doing something relaxing or which you like (except technology!). Then go back to another 25-minute slot. Four or five such slots should help you cover your study target for the day. Revise at regular intervals and solve papers.

Instead of you only zing and listening, get involved in doing something - create your own question papers, draw, make diagrams and notes. Use humour - you won't forget what you study! Teach a friend - this one is power packed.

And, when you get yourself on track, consult a career counsellor. Having a career goal will make your study goals even more meaningful. Do focus on the satisfaction you get when you achieve your daily goals.

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I get angry very fast. I do not get angry with everyone but only with those who love me and care for me. I also love me and care for me. I also love them; yet, when I am annoyed. I say whatever comes to my mind and behave badly. Eventually, I do regret all that I have said and done but cannot bring myself to say “sorry”.

Looks like you’re feeling guilty, and regret that you get angry with those who love you. It is much easier to take out your anger on those who love you, for they won’t really retaliate and will forgive more easily. But that means you are taking them for granted.

Examine your anger: 1) Who are you really angry with? Is it those who love you? Or do you take out anger meant for others on those who love you because you can’t take it out directly on the others? 2) What makes you angry? For this, create a worksheet. Draw a blank iceberg. In the part above the water, write the word ‘Anger’ and in the bit below the water, write the incidents that trigger your anger and the feelings associated with these incidents, e.g., hurt, unfairness, and so on.

Manage your anger: Notice your anger warning signs… a pouncing heart? Faster breathing? Inability to think? Any other? When you’re angry, first acknowledge your angry feelings to yourself or to the person in front of you: ‘I’m feeling angry’. Then, use calming techniques. Some of these are: breathing slowly and deeply; getting up and walking; counting backwards from 10; blowing a bubble blower handy and blowing bubbles out of your window! Use humour – create a funny poem to remind you that you’re getting angry and need to cool down, e.g., ‘Oooh, I am a volcano about to erupt!’ or ‘I’m becoming an Angry Bird!’ Come up with your own calming techniques.

Apologise! Saying sorry seems hard because we feel ashamed or humiliated to be ‘always’ in the ‘wrong’, while others are ‘right’. But the benefits are huge. Saying the magic word, ‘Sorry’ will make you feel lighter happier and will improve the quality of your relationships. It will also make you think twice about being angry! And that is just what you want, right?

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I am studying in Std. XII. My elder brother scored very high marks in his HSC examinations and is now studying in a medical college. My percentage, compared to his, is far less. My parents scold me saying that I alone am responsible for my own success or failure in life. Every day I fight with my brother over the way I study. I am jealous of him and unhappy, too.

It is truly said that ‘Comparison kills joy’. Look at the unhappiness and guilt that comparison and jealousy has brought you. Your brother instead is your ready-made buddy @ home! Celebrate your differences and your similarities. Find things to do together and don’t lose out on the relationship, for ‘Appreciation brings joy’!

Assuming you’re in Class XII Science stream. You need to study for a minimum of 4 to 6 hours with focus. For this 1) Identify your ‘high energy’ hours and study at that time; 2) Use the 25-minute Pomodoro technique (look up the Internet); 3) Solve lots of papers; 4) Make notes; and 5) Repeat each topic at regular intervals.

Each person is unique, and so are you. So, take some quiet time out and identify and write down your talents, strengths, weaknesses, hopes, desires and your career goal. Your goal should be your own and net something you want to compete with your brother; to win your parents’ and his admiration. Knowing what you want will motivate you to achieve it and will give you satisfaction. Once you have decided ‘what’, look at the ‘how’, i.e. plan what you need to do to achieve this – in terms of qualifications, resources, and time. Then make every effort to achieve it and take responsibility for both the process and the outcome/result.

You can choose whether you want to succeed… or not. Choices have consequences. So, making a wise choice is about responsibility!

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I have feelings for a boy (my senior) but he doesn’t have any idea how I feel. I have never spoken to him. I know that he is not interested in me and would definitely say ‘no’ to me. He is also very stone-hearted. Even so, I cannot control my feelings. Whenever I see him I can only think of one thing – that I love him. I can’t share my problem with my parents because they don’t approve of a relationship at such a young age. I am mentally very upset and can’t concentrate on my studies.

Like the chaataka bird is said to be in love with the moon, which is unattainable, you seem to be yearning for someone who is unattainable at this moment, and this is making you emotionally distraught.

Love is when you individuals share a bond of friendship combined with attraction, and accept and commit to each other, with the intent of working on their relationship to keep it going. Romance is temporary and the initial attraction remains only if the foundation of friendship exists.

If you ‘have never spoken’ to this boy, how can love blossom? How would you know that ‘he would definitely say ‘no’? And how would you know that he is ‘stone-hearted’? If he is stone-hearted what attracts you to him? Without getting to know each other, it is not possible to say a true ‘yes’ to a relationship. So, first make friends with him, with no expectations of a relationship. This way, you won’t be upsetting your parents, and will also find out if he is the right guy.

At the same time, focus on your friendships and your career, develop your personality, hobbies, and play a sport/exercise. This way, you will have lots to look forward to instead of crying for the moon.

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