My Science School

I am very scared of lizards. In fact, so grave is the problem that if I spot one in my room I cannot even enter it. It becomes extremely difficult in summers, when they are everywhere. Is this some kind of phobia? Can I get over it?

Many people are scared of lizards. If the lizards is driven away and the person is able to enter the room and carry on working, it is not a phobia. But if, despite knowing very well that there is no lizard in the room, you cannot enter the room or carry on your routine work, this may amount to phobia. Phobias are curable.

 

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I am not an introvert, but I can’t stand it if people don’t give me importance. I feel neglected at parties. How can I interact with people when they are discussing their own issues? How to get along with them, so that they give me importance?

You should stop thinking that you are the center of the world. Instead of thinking about yourself, start focusing on what other re talking about, what is the topic of their conversation and try to present your ideas about the topic concerned. People of your age usually want to talk about clothes, the latest fashion, studies future plans, latest happenings in the sports field, politics, films etc. Keep yourself updated by reading youth magazines, newspapers etc, so that you can express your views. Keep yourself abreast of these topics and join in the conversation of your friends rather than waiting for them to talk about your topic. This is the age when you start forming ideas, thinking differently and holding on to certain views on different topics. If you show your knowledge and contribute to the topic, they would welcome your ideas and the conversation will move on from there. Then you don’t have to worry that others are ignoring you.

 

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I am a very social person and want to have a lot of friends. That is the reason I don’t want to annoy anyone by refusing him/her for anything or any work. I don’t express my feelings even if I don’t like anything about my friends. But my sister says that this is not good in the long run, and that I will make friends even if I am frank about my opinions. I want to learn that art. What is the secret behind it?

If you are social and have a circle of friends about which you feel happy, you need not worry whether you are right or wrong in refusing anyone or annoying anyone. You must worry only when you find that your approach causes you problems and makes you feel uncomfortable. Remember, each person has his/her own ways of dealing with others. So long as one’s way of interaction does not cause problems to oneself or others, and at the same time makes the person feel good, there is no need to change that approach.

 

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I am always unhappy about something or the other and am always cribbing. I want to be content. But some of my friends say that if I am content I will never progress in life. Is that true?    

It is indeed remarkable that you are aware you are unhappy and that you crib. When you are aware about it, it is only a question of self-introspection as to why you are unhappy. Is there any specific reason or event that makes you unhappy? You can find this out if you felt unhappy and see what event led to this. For all that you know it may be a trivial event about which you really need not have bothered. Also give a thought to your cribbing – what are you cribbing  about and whether the cribbing is justified. As you start thinking and analysing on these lines, you will automatically give up being unhappy and cribbing all the time.

As to the question of contentment, one must have a goal and should put in efforts to reach the goal using one’s own intellect, skill and efforts. Being unhappy and cribbing more often than you yields negative rather than positive results.

 

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My parents were very fun-loving persons, but over the years, because of  financial constraints, have started believing in superstitions. They consult a pundit  for everything. In which direction should the puja  be done? They even believe in Vaastu  for home decor. They are now worried that the main door faces the wrong direction and that the kitchen is in the wrong part of the house. I want to tell them that it is not practical to implement large-scale changes in an ordinary household with limited means. But they are obsessed. Can you suggest a way out of this madness?

I do not know how old you are. Whatever your age, you must understand that in one’s life many behavioural changes occur due to a number of events that are at times very painful. Such events increase a person’s inclination towards superstitions beliefs and the tendency to depend upon God. In my view you should concentrate on your studies/ work and leave them to decide their course of actions,

Furthermore most people today believe in Vaastu and I am sure your parents do realise the economics of modifying various parts of the house. I am sure they will not do anything that will upset their on your lives. Have trust in them and I am sure things will change for the better. Despite all this, if you still want to do something about it, find a suitable and appropriate time and talk it over with them to express your concerns. I am sure their reply will bring about some comfort to you.

 

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My younger daughter is in class VI and already she has started having performance anxiety. Come exam time and she develops all the symptoms, including stomach upset. I don’t know why she approaches exams in this fashion, when no one in the family exerts any pressure on her.

It is indeed a matter of concern that your daughter should have performance anxiety at this age, that too when none of you puts any pressure on her. The best way to approach this problem is to talk over with her and find out what exactly does she fear? Is it exams by themselves, is it her fear that she may forget what she has learnt, is it the fear that she has not been able to follow whatever is being taught in the class, are the teachers and peers pushing her into competition, is her brother or sister doing far better so that she feels that she also has to come up to that level and fears she will not be able to reach that level of expectation? Once you know the cause it would be easy to help her to get over the problem.

 

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My parents beat me up if I talk to anyone on phone or if I go out with friends. They don’t give me any pocket money. They are always asking me, whom do I talk to in school. I don’t know what to do. Please help me. At times I feel like running away from home or joining a hostel. Why do we have so many restrictions at this stage when earlier I could go anywhere without any problem?

One of the better ways to handle this is to directly talk to your mother or father (towards whom you feel more comfortable and uninhibited) and express your feelings frankly to them. Find out the reasons for their allowing you the needed freedom. Assure them that you will abide by what they say and will spend the pocket money only on the items they permit. It is in you on convince them that you will not go astray or get into my problems. With the kind of atmosphere these days, parents naturally worry a lot for their daughter lest anyone hurts her. Running away from home is not a solution, but if you want and if they permit, you can definitely move into a hostel.

Anything you do, should be able to make your parents feel confident that you will not be hurt but will be safe. They have to trust you and your ability to look after yourself.

 

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My friends come to me only when they have some work. Otherwise they don’t. But since I like making friends, I welcome them in spite of this. Is it right?

Since you like having friends, your approach and attitude are fine as you welcome them. However, do not feel negative about them as it would lead to disappointment and frustration within you and accordingly your behaviour towards your friends will also change to negative. Always keep an open mind and do not go with the pre-conceived notion that your friends come to you only when they have some work with you. Such thoughts will undermine all friendships. A friendship must have considerable freedom and a lot of give and take on both sides. Negative thinking from either you or the other person will not lead to a happy or healthy friendship.

 

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My mother is always telling me that she is going to die. How can I relieve her of this fear? She is also complaining that the money my father gives to her is not sufficient for her to live properly. How can I help her?

One way to tell your mother is to reassure her that you are all with her and that she need not worry about anything. A person dies only when the time to die comes. Worrying about death and fearing it would only make her feel miserable. A coward dies a thousand deaths while a brave person dies just once. Tell her these and make her face death bravely. Also just check what is it about death that she is so scared about. Once she faces her fears clearly and in a descriptive way, her fears will reduce considerably.

As for her relationship with your father she has to handle it entirely on her own. You cannot take up sides. Help her to take courage in her hands and ask her husband to give her more money, etc. It is for help to do this and I think you must help her to face her husband and her problems with him without fear and worry.

 

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I am a student of class X. I am always getting 6th or 7th rank. Though I aim higher, during exam time I just don’t feel like studying. I am very scared of not scoring high in class X examination. Please guide me.

You seem to be quite bright and intelligent as you are getting 6th or 7th rank. Continue working methodically and systematically, do your practice exercises the way you have been doing all along. Then you need to only revise at the time of exams.

But all this you should do without getting anxious that you may score lower than your expectations. It is important to remember that when we get anxious our efficiency level goes down considerably as anxiety and fears consume a lot of energy and very little is left for performance. So relax and take deep breaths whenever you feel anxious or scared and restart your work and go ahead methodically. This is one of the best ways of handling worries and anxiety about exams and not doing well in them.

 

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I am a student of class XII. There are days when I am very depressed and feel that nothing can go right. There is no particular reason for this. I want to know how to overcome depression. I also want to know why one trends to have an unknown fear of others while in school, while travelling in a bus or walking in a public place?

Occasional depression and swings in mood are but quite common as we go through disappointments, frustrations, etc. You can get over depression if you get to the root causes for it. Once you know the cause, you can get rid of the problem effectively. You appear to be studying in Delhi. Almost every school in the city has a counsellor who can help you to overcome depression.

 

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I want to be a choreographer. I am brilliant at dancing but my parents will never allow it. I think one should join a field of his/her choice. Why don’t parents understand this?

You are right that you should be allowed to join the field of your choice. There are two ways of handling this: Take up choreography as your hobby while continuing to pursue the field your parents want you to take up as you wouldn’t want to hurt them or be in conflict with them, or talk to your parents frankly about your liking for choreography, get trained in the art from a well reputed institution and then take up choreography as your field of choice. Once your parents know what is involved and how much you hanker for it, they would not mind your choice. But you should be very clear about what you want.

 

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Getting rid of thoughts that you do not like is entirely in your hands. Your mind is yours and you alone are master of it. If you decide not to allow the thoughts to bother you, only you can stop them. You can say ‘stop’ to yourself the moment the thoughts appear, and then for a while divert your attention to something you enjoy. In the beginning you may be able to stop the thoughts for a while but as you practice this technique you can get rid of them for longer periods and then permanently. Always remember that the mind is yours and you can stop the thoughts you don’t want the mind to ponder.

As for daydreaming, it is a kind of wish fulfilment. Many of our desires and wishes remain unfulfilled and in many cases we feel disappointed when something we want does not materialise. These unfulfilled desires at times appear in our daydreams. There is nothing wrong if you have an occasional short duration daydream. But if you do want to stop it, as I said earlier, it is in your hands to stop it by deliberately diverting your attention to something more meaningful and interesting.

 

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I have just completed my graduation and hope to join my father’s business, alongside doing a masters’ course by correspondence. However, there is one thing about myself that totally shatters my confidence. I am troubled by my ugliness. I am hopelessly ugly. I have taken after my father’s family, so I am short and dark, with terrible features. When I look at my friends, I feel very jealous of them. I also feel angry with my parents for having given me such awful features. I fear that I will never get a good life partner because I am so ugly.

In this world, we have both good and not-so-good looking individuals and not much can be done to alter their basic appearance. Yet, there are parlours and salons that help you learn how to dress better and look smarter. I am sure that if you attend such a course for a few days you would feel more confident about your appearance. However, inner beauty, confidence and a fine character can make up for your uncomplimentary looks. Instead of thinking of your looks, try to think about your best qualities, character and achievements. Always think positive. If you start liking yourself for what you have, I am sure many of your difficulties will disappear and you will be able to achieve your goals.

 

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I am becoming very foul mouthed. Though I don’t intend to hurt people, I do end up annoying them. My friends have started avoiding me. I even shocked my mother the other day by abusing her. How do I control my habit?

Control is in your hands. Remember it is your mind and you alone are responsible for your actions. If you decide not to abuse anyone, you will not. Whenever you get the urge to abuse, count backwards from 10 to 1 and then react to the situation. This small interval when you count from 10 to 1 will give you ample time to re-word your response and reaction.

Remember the time when you never used to be foul mouthed. That means you can still continue to talk to people without being abusive.

 

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