My Science School

I am a 17-year-old boy studying in Std XI. My problem is that I have a very weak memory. When the teacher gives a lecture in class, I think I can remember everything, but after a few days I forget. I want to come up in life but it will not be possible with this kind of a memory. Sometimes I think of discontinuing my studies. What should I do to improve my memory and get good marks?

You sound discouraged that you cannot remember everything from your teacher's lecture. But you know what? Thinking that you can remember - but then forgetting - is normal!

Do look up The Forgetting Curve on the Internet and you will realise that the biggest drop in remembering happens soon after learning. Not only this, but memory also becomes weaker with time, so even if you revise, you will remember only some of it after a week. Our nervous system works on the principle 'Use it or lose it'. Hence, revise at regular intervals.

For good memory, you need to: 1) Take an interest in the topic it is the key to remembering; 2) Make meaning: connect the topic to something you know. E.g. Look for ways that you can use it in real life. 3) Organize your information - chunk or group the information into topics and sub-topics so that you remember one group together; also, transfer information from text form to diagrams, mind maps, concept maps, tables, etc.. 4) Make it fun - if you associate something funny with certain topics, you won't forget them. Fun is also about connecting it to something you enjoy, e.g., a sport, or movies, etc. And fun is also about playing while you learn. 5) Solve practice papers - lots of them.

Finally, if you would like to, you can get the following books: Learning How to Learn by Barbara Oakley & Terence Sejnowski and Mindshift: Break Through Obstacles to Learning and Discover Your Hidden Potential by Barbara Oakley; Improve your Memory, Study and Reading Skills Creatively by V. Tucker (Better Yourself Books, Mumbai).

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I am a girl of 16, studying in Std XI. I made one of my classmates my brother, and shared everything with him. But our classmates started teasing both of us as they didn't know that we shared a brother-sister relationship. Because of this, we stopped talking to each other and, for the last one and a half years we have not even seen each other. I would like to talk to him and I feel that he too wants to talk to me. What should we do?

You are missing your friend and 'brother' a lot and want to talk to him. Unfortunately, the fact that you both stopped talking to each other makes you both look guilty even if you are not.

People talk if they sense something in the air. Perhaps the closeness shown by both of you made them think you both were a romantic pair? Reflect and you will get the answer. If people did talk but you felt sure that he was your brother and nothing else, then there was no need to listen to them even if they teased you. In India, we have so many ways to show a brother-sister relationship - tying a rakhi to him can show that you have adopted him as your brother, and he has adopted you as a sister even if you are not related by blood. Addressing him with a word meaning brother in one of our many languages - in front of others will make things clear to all.

But first, you both need to be sure that the relationship is still that of a brother-sister, or just friends, or more. And the only way to find out is to meet and take it from there.

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I am studying in an ICSE school. I feel that the school is not providing me with what I want the best study material, among other things. Instead, the teachers are very corrupt and demotivating. I don't want to study there anymore. How can I convince my parents about this?

Looks like you feel unhappy in your current school with 'corrupt' and 'demotivating' teachers and lack of the best study material.

Start by helping yourself while you are still in this school since you can change only in the next academic year. See it as a challenge you need to deal with on your way to life success. Learn the art of both taking and making notes. Learn the art of research: there are also so many ICSE study guides and videos available for reference. Collaborate: Work with your classmates to resolve difficulties or study together as study buddies. These skills will prove helpful in higher education, too.

If there are other students facing the same issues, perhaps your parents can approach the Parent-Teacher Association who can take it up with the school authorities in the right manner.

Simultaneously, list what you want from a school - you have already mentioned 'best study material'. Then find out which schools that offer the things you want and within the fee budget of your parents. Create a chart/Excel sheet and share it with your parents with reasons and examples of why it would be better to go to one of these schools. Ask them for their views too.

If you and your parents agree, great. If not, you will already have learned a few tools on how to be successful despite adversity!

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A year and a half ago, I met a boy with whom I fell deeply in love. We loved each other and that was it; neither I nor he made any commitment towards our relationship. We never had a date or anything. Every evening, I used to go to the beach to view the sunset and would always find him sitting there, perhaps waiting for me. Today, it has been three months since his death. Although I do not feel any emotion, I can still feel his presence. I am unable to move on as his memory still haunts me. Please help me.

The tragic death of this boy whom you loved has shocked you. Looks like you feel numb inside and are unable to feel your grief. Please know that it is okay to give yourself some time to come to terms with his going.

While he may not be present in physical form, you do feel his presence. Perhaps this is his message to you: That there is no need for you to 'move on' but there is a need to acknowledge that he has gone and he will remain with you in your memory.

It is important to honour this connection that you feel and express it. Perhaps you can create a small space at home for a short period of time to honour his memory. You could draw something that reminds you of him or keep a picture or object that you connect with him maybe a picture of the sunset? Then light a diya or a candle in memory of him every day for some time. Keep some flowers. If you prefer to express yourself in writing, you can keep a journal of your feelings. At the same time, if you feel you need more help, it would be good if you can meet a counsellor in person.

Remember that while you grieve for him right now, he would certainly want you to live your life and blossom over the years. Perhaps he wanted you to find your inner strength and has become your invisible guide.

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I am in love with a girl. I told her that I had feelings of love for her and she told me that she had the same feelings for me. She also said to me that we can handle these things later after we settle in our lives. I agreed with her. But I can't stop thinking about her and our future and whether we have a good destiny in store for us.

Looks like you are so caught up in the unknown future that you are worried and anxious today.

If you notice, we always say the words 'to fulfil one's destiny'. It means that 'good destiny' is not 'in store' for us, but we create it by working to achieve our potential and successfully handling all problems that come our way.

Famous author Deepak Chopra says, "Our future is created from choices we make every minute." Fulfilling your destiny depends on what you choose to do today. If you choose to worry about your future, then the outcome will be less than happy. Your attention will deviate from all that can help you live a good life. For example, focusing on studies will lead to a good qualification, which leads to a satisfying job/career, which provides income, which helps you settle well in life. Similarly, focusing on building a friendship with this girl today instead of overthinking about what might happen tomorrow helps build a sound relationship that can withstand any storms in life.

So, roll up your sleeves, and discover the joys of today, while preparing for tomorrow.

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I am in Class 11 and I have a girlfriend. She likes to hang out with boys all the time except with me, i.e., she talks to other boys a lot. But I know that she is serious about me. I don't want her to go around with or talk with other boys... is this correct or am I being very possessive?

You feel insecure when your girlfriend talks more to other boys. You would like her to stop doing this, however, you are worried that you are being very possessive'. Perhaps you fear that she may leave you? Or that you're not good enough? If unresolved, this can lead to suspicion and trust issues between the two of you.

You say that your girlfriend likes to hang out with boys all the time except with you and yet you say that you know that she is 'serious about you. If she spends more time with other boys at present than with you and you are aiming for a long-term relationship, both need to be okay with it, or you both need to evaluate where your relationship is going.

Reflect on what are your fears and be clear on what will make you feel secure. Also reflect on what you want your relationship to be like; how much time you'd like together, what is okay and what is not okay. Then ask for time and share your feelings with her, discuss and come to a mutual agreement about how what will work best for you both and what you both will do to enhance your relationship. Also take steps to enhance your own self esteem.

If insecurity has been plaguing you for some time and it persists, do connect face-to-face with a counsellor who will help you to process your feelings so that you enjoy happier relationships.

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I am a student of Class 9. I am very disturbed these days. I like a guy and I think about him all the time. We chat on a social networking site. I know that I should not think about him but I cannot control myself and it's affecting my studies. Please help me.

You sound quite distressed about not being able to control your thoughts about this boy. Liking and daydreaming about someone at this age is normal; instead of controlling your thoughts, manage them effectively.

First, build self-discipline. Set study goals and time for study. Focus on your studies in several 20 to 30-minute slots with a 5 to 10-minute break between each. Set a reward for yourself when you achieve the day's study goal. If your mind begins to drift off, remind yourself of both your goal, and your reward after you accomplish the goal. Use the 5-4-3-2-1 method when you begin to think too much: Notice 5 things you can see, touch any 4 things, listen to, and hear any 3 sounds, become aware of any 2 smells around you and acknowledge any one thing that you can taste. And then get back to whatever you are doing.

Set aside separate time for social media. When chatting, stick to the time limit and come back to your tasks. Most of all, do follow cyber-safety measures when you chat - even with known persons; do avoid talking to strangers.

Include different kinds of activities in your routine: Help your mother at home with the housework, pursue a hobby - a craft or an art of your choice, exercise or pursue a sport. These will help improve your focus too. Do some social work such as teaching a younger kid. Focus on your friendships as well. Remember, self discipline is important for success.

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I study in Class 11. I was not a very popular girl till Class 10, but in Class 11 I worked hard and changed myself. This year I topped in class. My problem is that even now, I study, I work hard, but I don't get the attention that I seek. My fellow classmate on the other hand got just 69% and still all the teachers notice her. I don't like much responsibility but I want people's attention and it's now getting harder for me to concentrate as this is getting worse day by day. What should I do?

Sounds like you are feeling quite frustrated that you don't get the attention that you would like from others. While your idea to focus on changing yourself was a good one; however, the change you made in yourself was in your 'performance', instead of your approach to people. One's performance may get noticed, but we don't quite get noticed for our performance. We get noticed for our nature and our personality. If popularity is being liked by many others, begin by liking yourself!

Your answer lies in a beautiful prayer by St Francis of Assisi: "O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood, as to understand, to be loved as to love; for it is in giving that we receive..." To receive attention, first give attention. Instead of focusing on you being popular, put the spotlight on others; go up to people and genuinely connect with them. Be friendly and kind; show an interest in others' lives and what they like. Only then will you find that people see you differently, as a warm, loving person. It will take the pressure off you if you only 'give' than to 'get'.

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