My Science School

I'm always alone because I have no friends. I used to have a friend but he has gone to another school. Everyone acts as if they are friends but when I ask them to sit with me they refuse me and ignore me. I don't know how to overcome this problem.

I am sure you miss your friend who left the school a lot. Often, when we have a close friend, we don't pay much attention to others. Now that you are alone, it will take time to make friends with others because they already have their own friends.

Use this time to develop your own personality - develop a hobby and discover your own interests. Join a sport or a hobby class if it is possible, they are great places to make new friends.

I notice that you use the words, 'when I ask them to sit with me'. I'm sure it must hurt when others ignore you and refuse to sit with you. However, if others feel that you have a selfish need, they will turn away or make excuses not to be with you.

How about if you ask to join a group instead? Just sit with them, listen to conversations and nod or say 'hmm' to indicate you are listening. Ask people about their interests so that you can get to know them better. Compliment and appreciate them. Be polite, warm and genuinely interested in others and you will find that slowly they will begin to respond to you.

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I study in Class 8. Since I am an intelligent boy, I have always stood first in class. But I don't know why other students don't trust me. They say that I have cheated or crammed my lessons to get first place in class. They even say that I am not a human and don't have feelings for others. These words are like an injury to my heart and I feel disheartened. Due to this I am not able to concentrate on my studies.

Looks like you are interested in your studies and find it easy to score well. Your classmates do see you as intelligent. It is possible that they are simply jealous of your continued success, while they have to work much harder to get good marks. However, they don't seem to see you as a warm and friendly person; and I can see that it hurts you a lot to be labelled as 'not a human' and as someone without 'feelings for others'. Perhaps they don't really know the person that is 'Anshuman', a person with feelings? If yes, it would be good to reflect on why.

To make friends, you need to be one first. So, let others see your true personality a bit more openly. Take an interest in others; find out what they like and what you have in common. Show that you care.

Use your gift your intelligence - to help someone who is struggling with his/her studies. Begin with one person, if possible from your neighbourhood or the underprivileged (not from your school/class). It is in giving that we receive. And when others see you as open and giving, they will see you with new eyes.

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I am a student of Class IX. I can't concentrate on my studies. My parents' expectations are extremely high, but this time in the examinations, due to my poor performance, their expectations have been broken. And from that time they are always poking at me, using harsh words and telling me that I can't do anything. This makes me so depressed and also frustrated. I want to study but I can't concentrate. Other than these family matters, I am fed up of this selfish world. Everyone is just using me for their own benefit. I think I am born to be used. Actually my problem is that I easily trust anyone. I am getting depressed day by day. I don't have any courage to live.

You are under a great deal of pressure, and are feeling quite hurt that your parents use harsh words. Your confidence has taken a huge hit and you feel depressed.

It is at this moment that you need to take charge of yourself and to focus on your goal, which is to make sure you learn thoroughly and feel confident.

So, here's a simple equation in steps:

Before Exams (Clear Understanding + Learning + Memorizing +3× Practice) + During Exams (Recalling + Reproducing on paper) - Marks

So, Before Exams, ask for help to make sure you have clearly understood everything you need to learn, especially what is difficult. Solve practice papers/ questions and find out where you made mistakes and correct them. Be firm about putting in the required study time and say 'No' to distractions. This will give you confidence During Exams.

Show your parents how committed you are. Share with them that you feel hurt and lose confidence when they use harsh words. Ask for their support.

When you don't love, respect or think for yourself, you will say 'yes' to others easily. Know what is important to you; say 'No' to the rest. People will stop using you and start respecting you.

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I am a married woman and my husband is very loving and caring but I can't share my thoughts with him. I have a good friend with whom I share everything. I have known him since the last two years and met with him once. Is it wrong for a married woman to have such a male friend? Sometimes I feel bad and anxious. Please help.

Feeling lonely in a marriage or a relationship is not uncommon. You have mentioned that though your husband is loving and caring, you find it difficult to share with him. Right or wrong is a slippery slope as it is based on a number of factors, the primary being the mutually stated expectations in a relationship. Some questions you could ask yourself are: has my primary relationship been affected by this new friendship? Has this new friendship become a big focus point in my life, side-lining other aspects? Am I secretive about my communications and meeting with my friend? If the answer to the above is yes, you are most likely grappling with feelings of uncertainty and guilt. It would be a good idea to seek out a therapist to think through things a bit more clearly.

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I am going through a divorce. This is a rough phase of my life, probably the toughest. The worst thing that has happened to me is loss of concentration. I have become sceptical and am crippled by unnecessary fear. I am trying my best to keep my closest people calm and healthy. How can I cope?

A divorce can be a really trying time. Trying to keep people around you calm seems commendable but do remember that you are the one going through this and you need to care for yourself the most. Looking out for others might seem necessary or like a distraction, but it only takes away time and energy from your focus on living your best life. You might be internalising all that fear that your loved ones and society bring up, and it can manifest in several ways like you have described loss of concentration, trust and hope. Please know that the intensity of feelings, be it anger, sadness or pain, will ebb as you are able to see your own reality rather than what fear makes you think. Start with creating healthy routines for your- self that will keep you grounded and connected to yourself and people you care about and take one day at a time. Work with a separation counsellor or a support group for divorced people to give yourself more resources. Lastly, remember that being by yourself is generally a better option than being in a bad relationship.

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I am a 23-year-old dental student in Delhi NCR. I have a lot of self-doubt. I don't know the reason behind this. Maybe it's because I don't dress that well. I don't do makeup because I don't want to, but it affects my day-to-day life. I don't feel confident and often question my own thinking and appearance. What should I do to come out of this?

Self-doubt is often characterised by feelings of inadequacy and of just not being "good enough". It sounds like that you are constantly second guessing yourself and feeling uncertain. This lack of confidence, as you describe it, could be arising from several factors, such as wanting to adhere to a prescribed norm or "fitting in", the fear of falling short of others' perceptions and the stuck belief that anything you do will be a failure. If you look at some of your doubts, there is a conflict in being yourself vs heeding the popular norm. For instance, you have chosen to not do makeup as you don't wish to do it. Yet you don't seem to back your own choice as you feel it affects your regular life. This results in you not feeling comfortable or confident with your own choice. One exercise that may help is what I call "celebrating the uniqueness in me". Jot down all the things that you think are your shortcomings. Then, look at it from the lens of how these very factors actually lend to you being uniquely you.

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I am 29. My brother and I started a business venture but due to Covid, we suffered terrible losses and had to close down. My father lost his lifelong savings. He then told me about his friend's business and took a loan to invest in it for me. Due to lack of options, I agreed to join it but now I feel guilty and disconnected because it is not my area of interest. I wish to restart my previous business, but my parents and brother are not in favour of it. I'm mentally shattered and frustrated. Please help.

Frame painful experiences as lessons on how to be stronger and how to better navigate bad situations. Do not let them make you angry or bitter but use them to make you better and move on. Holding on to pain does more damage to you than to the other person. Learn to let things go, make more room for joy, spirit, relaxation and happiness. Try to strengthen your connections as it will help you develop resilience. Try to be goal oriented-when you have a purpose or goal in life, you have a sense of direction. The moment you have something to look forward to, your emotions turn significantly positive and you begin working towards attaining your goals. While having a goal makes your life more meaningful, bear in mind that the goal must be realistic and have a rational perspective. If you are struggling, please get help from a therapist.

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I am a student preparing for the UPSC exam. I have a younger sister who doesn't respect me because I am always trying to teach her what is right or wrong. I think it's a duty of every brother to stop his sister if she is doing bad things in her life. My relationship with her is very toxic. She loves to spend her time with her friends, and not with me. I feel neglected. These things affect my studies and mental health. Please help.

You might have some irrational anger to work through, or you might be projecting something onto her. It's so easy to regress back into how you fought while in your growing years, or to dredge up old family drama and jealousies. Try to re member all the good times you've had with your sister, and why you would want to repair that relationship. Don't try to change her. A lot of times, your fights arise when one person is critical of the other's life choices. Even when you think you have her best interests at heart and you're not purposely being judgmental, it's just not your place to direct her life or try to "save" her from her own decisions.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to take a deep breath and let go of whatever she did to upset you. It can be helpful to set boundaries in your relationship with your sister, to protect yourself and treat each other with respect and courtesy.

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I am in class 11 and study commerce. I take all my decisions on my own. There's nobody to advise me about whether the things I am doing are right or not. Is it okay to do what I think is right or should I find someone who will advise me on these things?

Most people care about the opinions of their loved ones. Sure, you don't automatically do everything your family or friends suggest, but you do carefully weigh their guidance when trying to make a decision. Sometimes, the reason we don't take advice is pure stubbornness. We want to do things our own way-even if it's not working! Other times, we avoid advice out of fear. The truth is that hearing out advice and listening to it are two different things. By listening to someone and actually taking their advice, you not only get good results but also get to con tribute to the joy of another person. Be willing to take advice. Life is so much simpler when you involve the strengths and expertise of others. The advice is out there. People want to help you. Allow yourself to receive help and the quality of your life will soar.

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I easily get affected by the opinions of others, which I shouldn't. What should I do to keep these thoughts away from my mind?

Try not to let the behaviour of others steal your joy. Focus on being the best and happiest that you can be - that's where your energy should go. Set the best example you can and spend time and energy on people who lift you higher: You need to understand that your emotions are wholly your responsibility -a result of your own cognition and thought process. So, the moment you begin to have control over them, you will no longer feel perturbed by other people's opinions and actions. Hence, every time you experience an upsetting emotion, take responsibility for it. In short, the moment you start blaming somebody else for your emotions, you are bound to feel even more upset. Accept that the real power resides in you. Understanding that you are the only person who is in charge of what can and cannot hap- pen to you can make a world of difference to your well-being.

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My problem is that I prepare very well for my maths exam, but when I enter the exam hall I panic and spoil the exam. I don't know what happens; I just go blank. I think I am unlucky. I get a scolding from my parents and teachers, and my friends think that I don't concentrate, but that's not true. Please help me.

Maths sure looks like a subject that makes you freeze and feel that you're no good! It so upsets you that your parents and teachers scold you about it and don't quite get what's happening with you.

Build the habit of working step-by-step for each sum. Write down or recite the steps in your mind. In the exam, you can write the steps on a rough sheet if permitted. For example, with constructions, mentally go over the sequence: First draw a line. Then place your compass on Point A and draw an arc and so on. Focus on accuracy and steps, not on speed. When the steps are correct, the speed will come. You can also use a sheet of paper to cover the next sum so that you focus on only one sum at a time.

Before an exam, calm yourself by doing 3 to 5 rounds of breathing. Stand with your hands on your hips, feet slightly apart. Breathe slowly and let your belly rise and fall as you do. Count up to 5 while inhaling and 5 while exhaling. (Avoid straining while doing so). During the exam, if you feel panicky, support yourself by putting one hand on your belly and one on your upper chest just below your throat. Close your eyes and breathe slowly 2-3 times.

Finally, change your self-talk. Put up posters saying stuff like, "Maths is cool and so am I!" "Numbers are my friends" or "Exams are just sheets of papers with questions that I can calmly answer!" All the best!

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My mother always tells me to wear clothes of her choice. If I don't listen to her, she gets 'angry'. She says that she wants me to look good and smart in front of others. I like to wear casual clothes and do not like revealing clothes. When we attend any event, I dress casually and that makes her very angry. Some say that I look like old fashioned because of the clothes I wear. Isn't it good to be simple?

Looks like you and your mother are in conflict about your dressing sense. Perhaps she just wants you to look presentable and wants you to bring the best out of your personality? Is that so bad? That said, it is indeed praiseworthy that you do not like to wear revealing clothes and are firm about it!

It is perfectly fine not to wear 'girly' dresses if you don't like them. Being neatly and appropriately dressed is sufficient for social occasions. While you don't have to be 'fashionable', you can choose a dressing style that adds to your overall personality...and this is a good time to discover it!

Simplicity in style can certainly be elegant. Simplicity can be in the style of the outfit - such as A-line kurtis with leggings, or it can be in the colours - many models choose just black and use a colourful dupatta or stole.

It can also be in the accessories - simple pearl drop earrings or just silver jhumkas. Find what suits you, makes you feel happy and beautiful from within and wear it with confidence. That alone is true fashion!

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I am a girl studying in Class 8. I am very sensitive to any scolding from my parents. I feel I am depressed. My mom and dad love me a lot but they do not want me to be a free-minded person. They criticize me for my dressing sense and for other fashionable things. I don't like this as this 'simplicity' gives a good chance for my classmates to make me cry, which makes me feel depressed.

Looks like each time your parents scold you, you feel that you're just not good enough. Your parents do love you and that is exactly why they are protective of you. However, you want them to see you as a grown-up and capable of thinking for yourself, and that is natural. That time will come, for no one remains a child forever.

Right now, develop your personality in the safe space of your home. Read and discuss different topics with your parents-world events, sports, economics, different professions, etc. This will broaden your horizons and help you to develop views of your own. Ask your parents questions and build a good rapport with them.

As for your sense of style, it will change and evolve. So, you can still keep it simple while you explore what suits you, what colours and accessories you like, etc. For now, if you are comfortable with the way you dress, express it. You can say, "I like what I am wearing today." Or "I like the way I look." Keep saying this firmly enough. Ignore your fellow mates, they will back off after some time.

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I feel shy and nervous to talk, especially when it comes to boys. Whenever I start talking to them, I find it very difficult and often stutter, which leaves me embarrassed. I want to overcome this shyness. I can easily talk to girls, be approachable and friendly, but not to boys.

You seem to be quite uncomfortable around boys and very comfortable with girls, which makes you feel nervous, awkward and even embarrassed. It may help if you realize that they too feel awkward when talking to girls!

Talk less and listen more. Instead of focusing on what to say, focus on what to ask. Keep it casual. Use open-ended questions ones that do not have a yes/no answer. For example, "How was your date/week/ weekend/vacation?' What did you do? Use their responses to ask the next question. If someone says they watched a movie, you could ask: What was the movie about? Which actor did you like, etc.? This also opens the door for the other person to ask you questions and for you to share your opinions so that you can find common interests.

There is no need to aim for perfection, sophistication and poise when talking to boys...they too are human like you and me!

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This year I have my Std X ICSE board exams and I am not able to get my marks to my target point. I'm majorly addicted to mobile phones and I am not able to leave them during my studies. I've tried my best but I am not able to.

You seem to be feeling quite helpless and trapped in the web of a tiny device. I'm sure that you also feel quite guilty and anxious that you cannot focus on what is important right now your studies.

However, you have a choice: Do you want to let a tiny screen control you? Or do you want to control it? Here are some ways:

Reduce your desire to look at your phone: Turn your screen greyscale; Hide the 'tempting' apps from the home screen; Delete social media apps. Turn off app notifications or put them on silent.

Make your phone a friend: Download a time management app, e.g. Forest, to help you time yourself, take breaks and prevent you from accessing your screen easily. Use games as a reward for completing your studies; however, see your phone no more than 15-20 minutes at a time and no more than twice or thrice a day.

Turn away from your phone: Exercise! Focus on a hobby and meet friends - yes, even in Class X! Spend time with your family. Doing these for short durations can be relaxing and refreshing for your brain.

Increase your motivation to study: Address your difficulties; Buddy with someone or have a study group to pace and time yourself; Keep your career goal in mind when studying.

The Simplest Solution: Give your phone to your parents and ask them to lock it away till March-end!

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